All These Things That I've Done

Georgia Tech just got their 2009 ACC Championship revoked, fined $100K, and placed on four years probation by the NCAA because a former player received $312 worth of free clothes. As a Tech fan/alum, this is obviously disconcerting, but for more than just the obvious reasons... I believe I too have committed several NCAA infractions. I mean, if covering up $312 worth of clothes is grounds for that much punishment, what I've done could severely hurt our athletic program, so I'm gonna report the following violations to the NCAA as a show of compliance and hope they go easy on my Yellow Jackets:

Infraction #1: When I was in the 5th grade, I got bored while taking notes in class and proceeded to doodle the Georgia Tech "GT" logo on my notebook paper without the expressed written consent of the NCAA.

Infraction #2: Former Tech RB Tashard Choice was on my little league baseball team of which my father was the coach. After the game, my father took the team to Dairy Queen where he bought Choice an ice cream cone, free of charge.

Take this trophy, the Heisman's still named after us.

Infraction #3: I had a PSYCH 1000 class with Chris Bosh during my freshman year. We had to put on a two-minute skit with three other people. Bosh didn't show up for the performance, so I did his lines as well as my own. We all got A's.

Infraction #4: Former Tech basketball player Theodis Tarver once missed a test in ENG 1101. I told the professor that Tarver was away at a road game... it was football season.

Infraction #5: Two members of the Tech cross-country team were on my intramural flag football team. They bought their own jerseys, but I paid a dollar each to get numbers put on them.

Infraction #6: On numerous occasions at Tech football, basketball, baseball, and volleyball games, I vocally expressed my displeasure with NCAA sanctioned referees, umpires, and officials. I was never punished for said comments.

Infraction #7: In the last 24 hours, I've said some pretty negative things about the NCAA, including the next few sentences. Hey NCAA, why don't you go punish some actual violations? Georgia Tech's ridiculous academic standards already put us at a disadvantage athletically, you don't have to add to it by punishing the smallest violation in the history of college sports. Perhaps you could look into, I don't know, illegal recruiting, thousand-dollar bribes, assault charges, drug deals, memorabilia sales, or the 150+ incarcerated Miami Hurricanes. Basically, get your head out of your NC double A.