Sunday, July 31, 2011

D.A.R.E. You To Move

The following took place at 2:13 pm at the Kedron Kroger in Peachtree City, Georgia:

I finish checking out and walk toward the automatic doors to exit Kroger, trying to avoid the loud-looking lady manning the D.A.R.E. booth strategically placed right next to the exit. The loud-looking lady eyes me eagerly and jumps in front of the aforementioned automatic doors.

LLL: Hello there! Can I have a moment of your time?

Me: Sure, I guess.

LLL: Are you familiar with D.A.R.E.?

Me: Yeah sure, that's when the one kid challenges the other kid to do something they wouldn't normally do.

LLL: Yes... well, I meant the school program D.A.R.E.. Do you have any little ones?

Me: Not since the accident.

LLL: Oh, I'm so sorry. What kind of accident?

Me: Abortion.

LLL: Oh, funny... well you see...

Me: There's nothing funny about abortion ma'am.

LLL: Oh, um, well, yeah... anyway...

Me: Don't worry ma'am, I used my kroger plus card at the clinic.

LLL: I see. Well, never mind then sir...

Me: Wait... how much are you selling the shirts for?

LLL: Oh... the D.A.R.E. shirts are normally $25, but there's a special today. 2 for $35.

Me: Oh wow. That's kinda hefty. It's almost cheaper for kids to just buy drugs.

Okay, so only some of that is true... mainly the part about jumping in front of the door and the price of the shirt, but don't you wish you could say stuff like that to those people? I guess I shouldn't be so critical... keeping kids off drugs is generally a good thing...

Friday, July 29, 2011

My Bucket List

Just in case you don't know, a bucket list is a list of thing you want to do before you "kick the bucket." Also, just in case you don't know, "kick the bucket" means die. Here's my bucket list.

1. Never die.

2. Own an in-home Krispy Kreme doughnut making machine.

3. Beat Spider Solitaire on four suits.

4. Perform a Mortal Kombat-style fatality on a human being.

5. Become a cast member on the Real World and be just the most down-to-earth, normal person in the show's history.

6. Participate in a Civil War reenactment dressed as Abe Lincoln and run to the Confederate front line and attempt to surrender.

7. Become "The Bachelor" and not give out a single rose during the first rose ceremony. Maybe walk out of the mansion and do the Judd Nelson fist pump from The Breakfast Club.

8. Qualify to be a contestant on Jeopardy! and pray that all the categories are sports.

9. Own a house made entirely of tempur-pedic material.

10. Win the McDonald's monopoly game.

11. Enter the Nathan's hot dog eating contest and slowly enjoy a hot dog on stage... maybe two.

12. Destroy all squash so no one ever has to eat it again.

13. Make it through Field of Dreams without crying.

14. Make 100 free throws in a row.

15. Break up Mandy Moore and Ryan Adams' marriage, then marry Mandy Moore with Ryan Adams as my best man. Also he sings at the reception.

16. Punch Kent Hrbek in the face.

17. Gain acceptance into the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

18. Teach a guy named Dougie how to dougie.

19. Teach the children of the world the difference between "your" and "you're." Also the adults.

20. Learn other parts to REM's "It's the End Of the World As We Know It" besides "LEONARD BERNSTEIN!"

21. Catch all 150 pokemon... with my bare hands.

22. Learn Hebrew.

23. Find a unicorn and keep it as a pet.

24. Play ring toss with the aforementioned Krispy Kreme doughnuts and the aforementioned unicorn's horn.

25. Get the straw in the CapriSun on the first try.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Black History Month in July: Part IV

Black History Month Great Black Person #16 of 28: JP from Angels in the Outfield
When I was a kid, Angels in the Outfield was one of my top 10 favorite movies. Now it's top 5. Last year, my softball team was losing badly, so I started waving my arms like an angel from left field and isome of the other guys did it too... pretty cool... except for the angels didn't show up and we lost 22-5. Anyway... JP... what a cute kid. He's my favorite character in the movie, which is saying something, cuz I love Joseph Gordon-Levitt. I feel the attached pic really captures JP's essence. The only bad thing is it came from a website called, which seems hella shady.

Black History Month Great Black Person #17 of 28:
Donald Glover

You probably know Donald Glover as Troy from the tv show Community (great show), but he's a veritable black of all trades. He was a writer for another great show, 30 Rock, a member of the popular comedy troupe Derrick Comedy, and is a pretty legit rapper, rapping under the stage name Childish Gambino. The rap gig is particularly appealing to me cuz he raps over songs from indie bands (Grizzly Bear, Animal Collective, Sleigh Bells) and does it with more wit, charm, and style than 90% of real rappers out there. (I'm looking at all but one of you, Wu-Tang Clan.) Glover also earned a cult following on twitter after he launched a campaign to be the first black spiderman in the next spiderman movie. #happyBHM @donaldglover!

Black History Month Great Black Person #18 of 28: LeVar Burton
Before Reading Rainbow, I always thought that the most I could possibly go was a high as a butterfly, but no, that show taught me I can go TWICE as high. Now I know that LeVar Burton has done more than just Reading Rainbow, but Roots and Star Trek weren't exactly of interest to me as a child, so I'm sticking with nostalgia. Thank you LeVar, for showing me Where The Wild Things Are, for letting me ride on The Magic School Bus, and explaining what happens If You Give A Mouse A Cookie. Happy BHM LeVar, you are truly deserving of this honor... but you don't hafta take my word for it...

Love, DaVid

Black History Month Great Black Person #19 of 28: Carlton Banks
Where would we be without the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air? Probably still in West Philadelphia getting in fights with guys who are up to no good. And where would the show be without snarky cousin Carlton? I don't even wanna think such thoughts. The short, preppy Carlton was always good for a laugh, but let's not forget the impact he had on the world we live in today. Carlton made it okay for african-americans to wear pastel colors. You're welcome, Kanye. He made it cool to be polite and well-spoken. You're welcome, Wayne Brady. He invented a little dance that's fun and easy to do. You're welcome, white people. So thank you Carlton, for all that you did, and continue to do in re-runs on TV Land.

Black History Month Great Black Person #20 of 28: the Chief from Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego?
Without the Chief, we may never have been able to find Carmen Sandiego. Her firm leadership and impeccable clue-giving enabled gumshoes everywhere to stay right on tail of the elusive crminal mastermind. Of course, half of those gumshoes were too retarded to get the loot and the warrant BEFORE the arrest, letting the crook off scot-free, but that's hardly the Chief's fault. Yes Chief, we couldn't have done it without you... of course, if Carmen was hiding in Africa, southeast Asia, or eastern Europe, we couldn't do it with you. Seriously, nobody ever won when it was Asia. Anyway, thank you Chief for your many years of service... we salute you!

This post was paid for by the Corporation for Public Broadcasting and the annual support of Viewers Like You.

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

How To Lose at Guess Who

The following is a game of Guess Who I played against my little cousin Maddy:

Maddy: Is yours a boy? - Eliminates 9

Me: Does yours look like they have something to hide? - Eliminates 0

Maddy: Is yours wearing a hat? - Eliminates 5

Me: Has yours had any plastic surgery done? - Eliminates 1 (Andrea)

Maddy: Does yours have white hair? - Eliminates 3

Me: Is yours' head lopsided? - Eliminates 3 (surprisingly)

Maddy: Are you even trying? - Eliminates 0

Me: That counts. My turn. Does yours resemble anyone from the cast of "cheers"? - Eliminates 1

Maddy: Is yours chocolate-colored? - Eliminates all but 1

Me: Is yours Hilary Duff?

Maddy: No. Is yours chuck?

Me: I quit.

Monday, July 25, 2011

What's the Problem Occifer?

I was driving at 2am the other night... a little bored, a little sleepy... so I decided to participate in everyone's favorite pastime... slaloming the reflectors in the middle of the street. Who would have guessed that slaloming could be mistaken for drunk driving? So I get pulled over.... and for whatever reason, I'm feeling bold.

Fuzz: Have you been drinking tonight?
Me: Yes sir. Two diet mountain dews.

Fuzz: No alcohol?
Me: Well, they were code reds.

Fuzz: Do you realize that you were swerving?

(Intermission) Urban Dictionary defines swerving as - swerve

Can be used in place of "groove."

Ex: "Get your swerve on."
Luckily the officer was white and didn't mean it in this way... cuz if he did... you know I be guilty.

Me: No sir.

Fuzz: Where are you going?
Me: Home.

Fuzz: Can you touch you nose, sir?
Me: Yes.

Fuzz: Please do it.
Me: (Touches nose.)

Fuzz: With both fingers.
Me: (I do it perfectly. Good thing I did fingers at the gym yesterday.)

Me: Do you want me to just take the breathalyzer?
Fuzz: No, I don't smell any alcohol coming from the car.
Me: Not even from my tequila-scented air freshener?

Fuzz: Haha, funny... but seriously, I should write you up for all those ugly bumper stickers.
Me: What, the Georgia Tech ones? Don't worry we never beat you guys.
Fuzz: Yeah, the Dawgs have your number.
Me: No, I just meant Tech grads never beat police officers. (Okay I didn't say that.)

Fuzz: So why were you swerving?
(Notice he says were instead of was. That's how you know he doesn't mean the groove one.)
Me: I didn't realize I was. (Slaloming is clearly not the same as swerving.)

Fuzz: Just tell me you were tired and I'll let you off with a warning.
Me: I'm tired.

Fuzz: Drive safely.
Me: Thanks.

Fuzz walks away.

I drive off, wondering if he was secretly impressed with my bravado/slaloming skills.

Sunday, July 24, 2011

American Idol Ice Cream

I found this on my old xanga site. Apparently in 2007 there was some kind of contest to come up with a name for an American Idol-themed flavor of Dreyer's ice cream. Here are some of the flavors my friends and I submitted: (Keep in mind, this was 2007, so there had only been like 5 or so seasons of the show at that point)

  • Clay Aiken's Rainbow Sherbet
  • Ruben Studdard's Chicken & Waffle Cone
  • Kelly Pickler's New Peaches & Cream
  • Katherine McPhee-nut Butter Cup
  • Kelly Clarkson's Behind Those Hazelnuts
  • Clay Aiken's Tutti Frutti
  • Ruben Studdard's Fat Free (Just Kidding) Double Chocolate Fudge
  • Daughtry's Mint Chocolate Chip On His Shoulder
  • Clay Aiken's Twinkie Lovers
  • Fantasia's Chocolate
  • Strawberrie Underwood
  • Randy Jackson's Black Man Ice Cream
  • Straight From the Cowell
  • Paula Abdul's Rocky Road

and my very favorite...

  • Bo Bice Cream

I haven't kept up with American Idol very much since then, but if there were another contest there could be:

  • David Cookies & Cream
  • Adam Lambert's Openly Grape
  • J-Lo Calorie Vanilla
  • Steven Tyler's Dude Looks Like Spumoni
  • Steven Tyler's Lime In An Elevator
  • Steven Tyler's Sweet Emotion (that's a freebie)
  • Lee DeWyze Cream
  • David Choculeta
  • Karamel DioGuardi

But what do I care? I'm lactose intolerant.

Also, apologies to Clay Aiken.

Friday, July 22, 2011

Fear Itself

Franklin Delano Roosevelt famously declared that, "we have nothing to fear but fear itself." Now that's clever and all, but I'm pretty sure FDR was afraid of more than just fear. Polio immediately comes to mind. Unlike FDR, I think it's healthy to talk about our fears, get them out in the open. By sharing our fears with others, we lessen the amount of power they have over us. So in the spirit of sharing openly, here are a few of my biggest fears:

1. The Mothman - The Mothman is some sort of fallen angel/demon/bird creature that terrorizes mankind. This may seem ridiculous, but there's a pretty convincing one-hour special on the History Channel that I had the misfortune of seeing as a youngster that put the fear of this creature into me. Worse than the History Channel special was the time that I actually saw the Mothman while driving home one fateful night. When I finally summoned the courage to return to the spot where I saw him the next day, I found a Mothman-shaped bush in the exact spot where I saw it the night before. No doubt this was placed there by the Mothman himself in a devious attempt to lull me into a false sense of security.

2. The Ocean at Night - More specifically, floating adrift in the middle of the ocean at night. I can't imagine a more terrifying scenario. Who knows what snapping at your feet, sharks and killer dolphins all around you, Ursula...

3. Going to the Braves game and being shown on the jumbotron during the "kiss cam" segment and you're sitting next to a girl who's a friend, but not your girlfriend, so it's awkward to kiss her, but everybody's egging you on and you've always had a thing for her so maybe this your chance, so you go in for the kiss, but she pulls away and it ruins your entire relationship - That one's pretty self-explanatory.

4. Nicki Minaj - 70% sure she's a man-eating robot.

5. Opossums - Those beady eyes, that matted fur, that nasty tail, that silent O... what a terrible little creature. The fear here mostly stems from the time that I leaned down to pet my cat Socks, who was eating out of his bowl on the porch outside, only to find that it wasn't Socks at all, but a vile, beady-eyed marsupial with gnashing teeth and a black heart. (Yep. Opossums are marsupials. You learned something new today.)

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Black History Month in July: Part III

Black History Month Great Black Person
#11 of 28: Katy Perry

Ok, so I was originally gonna do Tyler Perry, but I don't particularly like him or his work... I mean, how many times can Madea go to jail? What if I don't wanna meet the Browns? Am I even allowed to see For Colored Girls? So. Katy Perry. Black? No. Black hair? Yes. She's prolly distantly related to Tyler. She did date a black guy once too. Anyway, I love me some Katy Perry, so deal with it.

Black History Month Great Black Person
#12 of 28: Hootie

Nobody cares about you And The Blowfish... this is Hootie's world and we're all just living in it. The talented Hootie (Darius Rucker) rattled off hit after hit in the 90's as a pop singer and then, just for kicks (101.5), became a country singer in the 2000s where he's currently dominating the country music charts. (Suck it, Brad Paisley.) Last year, Rucker became only the 2nd African-American to win a Country Music Award... someday I hope to be the 3rd. Happy BHM, Hootie... I only wanna be with you.

Black History Month Great Black Person
#13 of 28: the black power ranger

It may not have been the same in your neighborhood, but in Riverdale, where I grew up, everyone wanted to be the black power ranger... including me. BUT NO, I had to be the red one or the blue one or that one awful time, the pink one. "Hammock, you're too white to be the black power ranger." Those words still sting. And so it was in my neighborhood... me as the red ranger, the other white kid as the blue ranger, and 17 little black rangers all pretend-fighting evil together. Now that I live in Newnan, I figured not as many people would have dibs on being the black ranger, but turns out, no one besides me wants to play power rangers anymore.

Black History Month Great Black Person #14 of 28: Kingsley Shacklebolt

If you've never read Harry Potter, then you probably don't know who this is. Also, if you've never read Harry Potter, stop reading this and start reading the first HP book immediately... it's the greatest series ever written. Anyway, Kingsley is an auror, which is a wizard who fights to protect against dark magic. That right there is enough to earn him BHM Person of the Day... but wait, there's more. Kingsley helped organize the Underground Hogwarts Express during the Wizard Civil War. He also plays bass in a wizard band that had an album (Wolfgang Amadeus Order of the Phoenix?) go triple-galleon. And oh yeah, he's currently the Minister of Magic... a role I hope he'll reprise when JK Rowling finally gives in and writes an 8th book.

Black History Month Great Black Person #15 of 28: Reverend Starks

If you went to Landmark Christian School circa 2000, you know Rev. Starks. Rev. Starks was the school cook when I was in high school. During that time, Landmark was the only school in the nation to serve soul food for lunch. Ribs, collards, cornbread... that's what's up. Even better, in the mornings Rev. Starks made omelets the size of your head for only a dollar. Lucky we had Coach Thorn back then too to make us run off the extra pounds.


(I couldn't find a picture of Rev. Starks, so I used Denzel Washington instead.)  

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Fall Out Man

It's hard to grow up. The transition from carefree youth to responsible adult is a difficult one, but everyone has to do it. Even emo bands. Enter Fall Out Boy. Believe it or not, it's been ten years since Fall Out Boy arrived on the scene (not to be confused with a "gosh darn" arms race) and the band members are now in their 30s. In the 2000s, they could get away with snarky lyrics, trendy clothes, and guy-liner, but now that it's the 2010s, those things only make the band look like they're trying too hard. So how does a pop punk band transition gracefully into adulthood? How do they remain relevant without appearing outdated? How does Fall Out Boy become Fall Out Man?

Well, I have an idea. Appeal to the younger crowd by continuing to play the same catchy music, but change the lyrics for the older crowd... something they can relate to. (Also, lose the guy-liner.) For instance, replace the lyrics for Sugar We're Goin Down with these:
I found a niiiice house in the good part of town
Sugar let's make a down payment
It's close to work, so it's prudent
Let's make a big offer, so they can't refuse it
Or maybe turn Dance, Dance into:
We gotta pay those bills on time
We gotta live within our means
Fi-nance is the way we make do, you see
Make the most of our mon-ey-ey
Or rewrite Grand Theft Autumn/Where Is Your Boy to say:
Let's not go out to-night
I real-ly feel like staying in
And maybe we'll chill and watch HBO
Cuz it's a lot bet-ter than hang-ing out downtown
Just an idea.

Who knows... Fall Out Boy may very well have grown up without my help... but last I heard, the bassist had a baby with Ashlee Simpson and named it Bronx Mowgli... so I doubt it.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Lil Wayne Needs a Doctor

Sometimes I wonder what it's like when Lil Wayne goes to the doctor...

Dr. Tucker: Hello there, Mr. Lil Wayne.

Weezy: Hello Doctor Tucker, hey, hi, how ya dern?

Dr. Tucker: Fantastic. So what's the problem? Feeling sick?

Weezy: Doctor Tucker, I'm ill. Not sick.

Tucker: Well what do you think is wrong?

Weezy: Like a venereal disease or a menstrual bleed.

Tucker: Well we can probably rule out that second one. Could be the first one though. You coulda got it from that Tammy girl. Are you still together?

Weezy: Nah, I couldn't blame Tammy.

Dr. Tucker: Okay then, have you been running a fever?

Weezy: I'm like Nevada in the middle of the summer.

Dr. Tucker: That sounds pretty bad. Lemme try something. I'm gonna press hard on you here and then again on your other side. You tell me how bad it hurts on a scale of 1 to 1 milllion.

Weezy: A million here, a million there!!

Dr. Tucker:
Maybe you should try settling down some. You party a lot, right? I had a nurse who partied a lot and I ended up having to fire her. Know why I had to do that? 

Weezy: Cuz her uniform pants were so tight?

Dr. Tucker: No, Lil Wayne. It's because she didn't know her limits. She just kept getting wilder and wilder. What do you say to putting a cap on your reckless lifestyle? 

Weezy: No ceilings, mane... ha HA!

Dr. Tucker: That's sad to hear Weezy. Eventually, you'll have to learn that the human body has its limitations.

Weezy: I am not a human being.

Dr. Tucker: Well, that's just ridiculous. Whaddya say we
just do a full body scan? How will you be paying for this?


Monday, July 18, 2011


What's the least popular sport in the entire world? Is it field hockey? Is it jai-alai? Is it non-alcoholic beer pong? No. It's women's basketball. And why is this? Is it because women can't dunk? Is it because they can't shoot real jump shots? Is it because sometimes when you're watching Sportscenter to see if the Hawks won, it pops up on the screen that Atlanta won and and you get all excited because you thought it was the Atlanta Hawks, but it was really the Atlanta Dream... and then you get mad because the Dream is just a really stupid name for a team... and really most of the WNBA teams have stupid names... the Liberty, the Shock, the Sky, the Sun... is pluralization un-ladylike? No. None of those reasons. The reason the WNBA is so unpopular is because they don't have their own video game. So, being the equal rights opportunist that I am, I decided to design the game myself. Here's what the controller layout looks like:

I tried to make it as realistic as possible. I think this could be a big hit. I mean, if all 12 WNBA fans bought a copy, I'd have enough money to buy court-side seats to a real basketball game.

Sunday, July 17, 2011

Lily Allen vs. Lily, my cat

Lately, I've been noticing a lot of similarities between Lily Allen and Lily my cat:

- same name, even spelled the same
- both have black hair
- both are kinda jerks
- both have excellent singing voices
- neither like to wear clothes
- i heart them both

Saturday, July 16, 2011

Black History Month in July: Part II

Black History Month Great Black Person #6 of 28: Franklin from Peanuts

Hey Charlie Brown, you think being called a blockhead and getting that football pulled out from under you is rough? Try being the only black kid in the entire comic strip. Franklin never let it bother him though, as he was a terrific addition to creator Charles Schulz's Peanuts crew... even if he did require a little more shading. Not too much is known about Franklin other than he was a loyal friend, a good student, and the only member of the Peanuts gang who could dunk. Happy BHM, Franklin!

Black History Month Great Black Person #7 of 28: Call of Duty: Black Ops

With 7+ million copies sold in the first 24 hours, COD: Black Ops really stuck it to those elitist White Ops. Set in during the Cold War, Black Ops is more than just a fun game full of gunfire and explosions, it's... no that's pretty much it. More than anything, COD Black Ops reminds us all of one thing... war is hella fun.

Black History Month Great Black Person #8 of 28: Steve Urkel

"Did I do that?" Yes Steve, you did, if by "that" you mean "touch the hearts of people everywhere." Portrayed by the greatest actor of my generation, Jaleel White, Steve Urkel shattered the black gangster stereotype that was so prevalent in other 90s TV shows such as Law & Order and Hangin' With Mr Cooper. Thanks Steve, for making Friday nights fun for the whole family, cuz as we all know, family matters.

Black History Month Great Black Person #9 of 28: Andre 3000

What's cooler than being cool? There was a time in my life when I didn't know the answer to that question. I do now, thanks to Andre 3000. (It's ice cold.) Dre has represented the ATL well with a decade of hits as part of personal fave Outkast. I actually thought about featuring the King of Pop today, but I like 3000 better. I'm sorry Mike Jackson, I'm I'm I'm just being honest.

Black History Month Great Black Person #10 of 28: old spice commercial guy

Look at your fb status, now look my status, now yours, now back to mine. The old spice body wash commercials are an all-time fave of mine, thanks primarily to the impossibly charismatic black guy who stars in them. Someday, I wanna be just like him... until then, I'm on a horse.

Friday, July 15, 2011

All These Things That I've Done

Georgia Tech just got their 2009 ACC Championship revoked, fined $100K, and placed on four years probation by the NCAA because a former player received $312 worth of free clothes. As a Tech fan/alum, this is obviously disconcerting, but for more than just the obvious reasons... I believe I too have committed several NCAA infractions. I mean, if covering up $312 worth of clothes is grounds for that much punishment, what I've done could severely hurt our athletic program, so I'm gonna report the following violations to the NCAA as a show of compliance and hope they go easy on my Yellow Jackets:

Infraction #1: When I was in the 5th grade, I got bored while taking notes in class and proceeded to doodle the Georgia Tech "GT" logo on my notebook paper without the expressed written consent of the NCAA.
Infraction #2: Former Tech RB Tashard Choice was on my little league baseball team of which my father was the coach. After the game, my father took the team to Dairy Queen where he bought Choice an ice cream cone, free of charge.
Take this trophy, the Heisman's still named after us.
Infraction #3: I had a PSYCH 1000 class with Chris Bosh during my freshman year. We had to put on a two-minute skit with three other people. Bosh didn't show up for the performance, so I did his lines as well as my own. We all got A's.
Infraction #4: Former Tech basketball player Theodis Tarver once missed a test in ENG 1101. I told the professor that Tarver was away at a road game... it was football season.
Infraction #5: Two members of the Tech cross-country team were on my intramural flag football team. They bought their own jerseys, but I paid a dollar each to get numbers put on them.
Infraction #6: On numerous occasions at Tech football, basketball, baseball, and volleyball games, I vocally expressed my displeasure with NCAA sanctioned referees, umpires, and officials. I was never punished for said comments.
Infraction #7: In the last 24 hours, I've said some pretty negative things about the NCAA, including the next few sentences. Hey NCAA, why don't you go punish some actual violations? Georgia Tech's ridiculous academic standards already put us at a disadvantage athletically, you don't have to add to it by punishing the smallest violation in the history of college sports. Perhaps you could look into, I don't know, illegal recruiting, thousand-dollar bribes, assault charges, drug deals, memorabilia sales, or the 150+ incarcerated Miami Hurricanes. Basically, get your head out of your NC double A.