Thursday, September 5, 2013

First and Tension: The NFL Gets Offensive

If you follow sports at all, you've probably heard about the controversy surrounding the team name of the Washington Redskins. Many Native American activists find the term "redskin" to be racially insensitive. Now, I'm not a Native American (aside from the 1/16th Cherokee that every white person in America seems to be) so I don't know how the term would make me feel. What I do know is that almost anything can be offensive if you allow it to be. Here a look at how each of the other 31 NFL franchises are offensive in their own ways:

Atlanta Falcons: Insensitive to penguins, ostriches, kiwis, and other flightless birds... and to humans, most of whom also can't fly. The city of Atlanta itself is offensive to the descendants of one William Tecumseh Sherman, whose ancestor worked tirelessly 150 years ago to burn the city to the ground.

Arizona Cardinals: Offensive to Protestants, Jews, and other non-Catholics as well as Musketeers and lower-ranking members of the Catholic church. Arizona itself is offensive to anyone who enjoys temperatures in the double digits.

Baltimore Ravens: Annoying to Miss -Symoné, who, thanks to Baltimore, must pretend to be impressed and flattered by the plethora of fantasy football teams named "That's So Ravens."

Buffalo Bills: Offensive to Misters Clinton, Cosby, Murray, and Nye the Science Guy, who would prefer not to share their first name with a team that lost four straight Super Bowls.

Carolina Panthers: Wait, how come no one is offended by a team who shares a mascot with a militant socialist organization?

Chicago Bears: Offensive to husky, gay men and Stephen Colbert.

Cincinnati Bengals: Insulting to house cats, who would like a more accurate representation of a Bengal as the team's logo.

Cleveland Browns: Everyone feels too sorry for the Cleveland Browns to be offended by them.

Dallas Cowboys: Hurtful to cowgirls, cowmen, and cowwomen, who feel neglected by the team name. The city of Dallas is offensive to those who prefer the show Dynasty.

Denver Broncos: Insulting to anyone who think OJ got off easy -- which is everyone -- including OJ. Also offensive to Land Rovers, Escapes, and Grand Cherokees.

Detroit Lions: Irritating to Simba, Nala, Mufasa, and the rest of the lions of Pride Rock, who feel they are better at football than the Detroit Lions -- except for Calvin Johnson.

Green Bay Packers: I got nothing here. The name Packers couldn't possibly be construed into anything offensive.

Houston Texans: Galling to the populations of all 49 other states who are sick and tired of being told not to mess with Texas. We get it, it's a large state and "mess with" and "Texas" kind of rhyme -- how wonderful for you.

Indianapolis Colts: Surely the horseshoes on their helmets are offensive to animal rights activists -- no respectable colt would be caught dead wearing such hideous footwear.

Jacksonville Jaguars: I'm pretty offended by those new two-toned helmets of theirs.

Kansas City Chiefs: Offensive to Native Americans? Nope. Offensive to grammar lovers who treasure the "I before E except after C" rule.

Miami Dolphins: Offensive to no one. Dolphins are adorable.

Minnesota Vikings: Biased against Viqueens.

New England Patriots - Upsetting to Loyalists of King George. Also offensive to any team who does not like having their closed practices illegally taped.

New Orleans Saints: Offensive, but not very defensive. Also unsettling to those who don't like to have their ACLs destroyed by linebackers after the whistle.

New York Giants: Neglectful to little people who would very much like an NFL team named after them, though they do dominate TLC programming.

New York Jets: Disrespectful to the New York Mets, whose rhyming team name is the original benchmark for futility on the field.

Oakland Raiders: A little confusing as to why no one opposes to naming a team after a group of marauders. It honestly is weird which team names come under fire. I can see Redskins being offensive because that particular term has a negative connotation, but what's with the heat on teams named the Chiefs, Braves, Indians, etc. Those aren't negative, they're just... groups of people. Raiders, on the other hand, are bandits, burglars, thieves, and scoundrels, which aside from describing the city of Oakland fairly well, isn't the most enlightened of team names.

Philadelphia Eagles: Hated by fellow Philadelphia franchise, the Phillies, who are envious that Eagles players are equipped with helmets with which to protect themselves from the constant barrage of bottles, batteries, and other projectiles hurled their way by Philly fans.

Pittsburgh Steelers: Disliked by descendants of the Rockefeller and Vanderbilt families.

St. Louis Rams: Misogynistic toward ewes. The city of St. Louis is also offensive to those who are flat-footed.

San Diego Chargers: Discourteous to those who prefer to pay in cash.

San Francisco 49ers: Dismissive of pioneers who took part in the Silver Rush in 1843, the Bronze Frenzy of 1847, and Pewter-Palooza 2010.

Seattle Seahawks: You would think Airhawks would be offended by not being chosen as the Seattle mascot, but as always, it's those Sandhawks who are really whining about it.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers: See: Raiders, Oakland.

Tennessee Titans: Offensive to greek gods who worked hard to defeat and control the giant race.