Friday, December 23, 2011

Grown-Up Christmas List


Who wouldn't want one of these?
I hate Christmas music. It's not so much your Silent Night or your White Christmas that I have a problem with though... it's the kitschy stuff. The newer songs like Last Christmas by Wham and Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer by who I can only assume is Satan are the bane of my holiday existence. One offender in particular, Grown-Up Christmas List by Amy Grant, truly makes me cringe. Aside from it
being maudlin and trite, it makes me feel like a bad person. If you're not familiar with the song (lucky you), the now-adult artist lists off her Christmas wishes to Santa, all of which are intangible acts of goodness such as ending wars and hoping that everyone has friends. When I was younger, I thought maybe someday I would want selfless things like these for Christmas. Nope. I still want stuff. I want an iPad and a new car and a pet unicorn. And even if I could break free from my shameful materialism, I just don't see the intangible things I would wish for ever making it into a Christmas song... though I think they would be good for humanity:

I wish for...
Brangelina to lose Fangelinas
Beautiful celebrities are gonna be idolized. It's a sad fact. Now, there's no denying that Mister Pitt and Miss Jolie are an attractive couple, but it seems like they get off scot-free when it comes to their shortcomings. Angelina is a brother-kissing, blood vial-wearing, Billy Bob Thornton-marrying, adulterous lady. Brad cheated on poor Jen and caused all kinds of problems by orchestrating that Project Mayhem. Seems like the public could mindlessly idolize celebrities with a slightly better working moral compass. Someone like Morgan Freeman or Elmo.

End animal cruelty... commercials

It's super effective!
I'm watching a Scrubs rerun, I'm laughing, then cut to commercial and there's a one-legged dog with its eyeball hanging out of its socket. I don't wanna see that. And I don't wanna hear about it from the woman who played Roseanne's sister on Roseanne. Get somebody relevant and attractive. Get Vanessa Hudgens. And show like a puppy with a bandaid on its nose. I don't wanna see the worst beaten dog in the entire world. I'm a cat person anyway. 



Make the Hunger Games a reality
Is there something inherently wrong about pitting 24 children against each other in a fight to the death? Probably. But Suzanne Collins is on to something. 24 innocent children killing each other for the public's amusement may be a little much, but what if we throw some real evildoers in there? I'm talking Casey Anthony, Jerry Sandusky, OJ Simpson, Bernie Madoff, Voldemort, the McRib... they probably deserve it. May the odds be ever in your favor, a-holes.

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Coldplayground


Find all the Coldplay songs in this poorly drawn, not-so-well-thought-out picture.

Pinterested?


If you're on Pinterest (AKA, if you're a girl), then you should follow the blog's drawings, artwork, and what not by clicking HERE as hard as you possibly can.

If you're a guy, disregard this post and continue watching Die Hard.

Hipster Santa, Day 12

On the 12th day of Christmas, Hipster Santa said to me:


Hipster Santa, Day 11

On the 11th day of Christmas, Hipster Santa said to me:


Hipster Santa, Day 10

On the 10th day of Christmas, Hipster Santa said to me:


Hipster Santa, Day 9

On the 9th day of Christmas, Hipster Santa said to me:

Monday, December 19, 2011

Friday, December 16, 2011

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Hipster Santa, Day 1

'Tis the season to be jolly and we here at TKAA aren't immune to the holiday spirit. Enjoy Hipster Santa, the ironically jolly toy distributor who's too cool for snow. 



Hopefully this won't be the last we hear from Hipster Santa...

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Fun With Demographics

As I've mentioned before in the blog, moving from South Atlanta to the North Georgia Mountains has been a bit of a culture shock for me. You see, there's a big difference between the county of Clayton (where I used to live) and the city of Clayton (where I currently live). Clayton County's population is 63% African-American, while the city of Clayton's population is, get this, 0.79% African-American. If you do the math (and oh, I do the math), there are roughly 120 black people in the entire county of 15,000+. That's pretty crazy. But what would you expect from the town where the movie Deliverance was filmed? Yes, really. Now, there are both pros and cons to having these demographics. On the positive side, the large discrepancy in numbers between the races all but guarantees there will never be a race war... that's always good. On the negative side, the local high school football team is gosh awful and the KFC just shut down. That's not a joke, it really did. And it's not funny, I miss it so much.

I would imagine those 120 or so African-Americans must feel singled out, but sometimes I do too. My skin may be white (we're talking Cullen white), but Clayton County definitely rubbed off on me. I like basketball, soul food, Motown, Family Matters... all anyone up here ever talks about is hunting, fishing, camo, country music, and the frickin Georgia Bulldogs. I don't like any of those things. At all. So when you're in the minority (even if you're not one), little victories, like things that remind me of my hometown, mean a lot. Like passing a Cadillac that's blaring Kid Cudi instead of Lady Antebellum. Like seeing a kid at Walmart wearing a flat-brim MLB cap instead of a camo hat with a fishhook on the bill. Like seeing someone in a Tech hoodie instead of a Bulldog fleece. Of course, when small victories are a big deal, so are small defeats. I was at the store the other day and I really wanted a Reese's peanut butter cup. Now, I'm not huge on sweets, but I do like peanut butter mixed with milk chocolate. Not dark chocolate, not mint chocolate... milk chocolate. So what do I find in the basket labeled Reese's? This:

Appealing to 99.21% of the population

But what would you expect from the town where Deliverance was filmed?

*Disclaimer: I do like Clayton, GA. It's growing on me. The air is fresh, the people are nice, and I've yet to see anyone on their porch playing Dueling Banjos. Also, I'm pretty sure the Squidbillies live around here somewhere.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Word Cloud

I was watching some Parks & Rec the other day and in the episode, one of the characters makes a word cloud consisting of every word in her email account. Cool idea. It got me wondering what a word cloud in my blog would look like. Well thanks to wordle.net, I now know. Turns out I say black a lot. It's a little disconcerting because, as you can clearly see, it's very close in proximity to the words hate and every. I think it's a coincidence, but I am slightly worried that I might be some sort of racist sleep blogger.

click for a close-up

Monday, December 12, 2011

Strengths and Weaknesses: Drake

Drake made "headlines" by dropping his sophomore album Take Care last month. Let's take a look at some of the rapper/actor/model's strengths and weaknesses.

DRAKE
STRENGTHS
  • Is indeed a rapper/actor/model, which are 3 of the best things you can be.
  • Able to find your love.
  • Half-Jewish, making him the most fiscally responsible rapper on earth.
  • Was my Great Black Person of the Day for February 5, 2010.
  • His character on the TV show Degrassi was confined to a wheelchair in season 5, proving he could act both standing up and sitting down.
  • Knows G4 pilots on a first name basis.
  • Also knows the G4 pilots' last names.
  • Tucks napkin in shirt/good manners.

WEAKNESSES
  • Canadian
  • Says the N-word way too much for only being half black.
  • Too attractive to be taken seriously as rapper. Needs to learn to be as ugly as sin like Lil Wayne.
  • Announces "I'm Goin' In" whenever he opens a door.
  • Like most rappers, only started rapping because he wasn't good at basketball.
  • Real name is Aubrey.
  • Thinks Young Money is a viable form of currency.
  • Won't ever let anyone else be first player on his Xbox 360.

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

While You Were Testing...


I had to proctor the SAT the other day. Now, taking the SAT can be a long, painful process, but proctoring the SAT is almost as bad. Sure, it's fun to read "fill in the bubble completely" 75 times, but the 25 minutes between announcing "there are no calculators allowed on this section" and "pencils down" can be pretty long ones... and there are 10 sections in all. Yes, it could have been a long 4 hours, but as luck would have it, I found a piece of paper and a box of crayons. The following is what happens when you give me a piece of paper, a box of crayons, and a whole lot of free time:

Yes, I know Ketchup Kitty is kinda pink, but I wanted to save the red crayon for Hot Sauce Hamster and the pinkish color was the only other option. You know how it is.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

All A Twitter 2


by @david_hammock


Twitter has become the go-to medium for the rich and famous to communicate with the masses. As much as I like hearing about Ashton Kutcher's day, it's too bad Twitter wasn't invented earlier so we could follow some interesting historical figures instead of vapid celebrities. Here's a look at what could have been:

GraysTraveller Robert E. Lee 
SOUTH>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

TrickyDick Richard M. Nixon
(This tweet has been removed.)

1Fish2Fish  Dr. Seuss
I would not, could not post your tweet. I said it once, I won't repeat. I won't retweet it @SamIAm. I'll send your message straight to spam.

RoughRIDER Teddy Roosevelt
Bull Moose party rules! Also toga parties ;)

BlackFemaleMoses  Harriet Tubman
@Slave_Owners - Nothing going on this weekend. Pretty boring up here in the North. Might rent Green Lantern on Blu-ray, but that's about it. #TheCrowFliesAtMidnight

Agent007 James Bond
Just totaled my Aston Martin :( I'm okay, but the other guy was pretty shaken #notstirred

TheRealThing Coca-Cola
The pause that refreshes.
Retweeted (poorly) by Pepsi-Co
every day Favorite Retweet Reply

The_King Elvis Presley
@teenage_girls *shakes pelvis*

Future_Prdctr1503  Nostradamus
Count on these tragedies: Great Fire of London, rise of Adolf Hitler, September 11, BCS National Championship game featuring two teams who have already played!

Friday, December 2, 2011

Birthday Wishes

Friday is my birthday. This, dear reader, is obviously very important to you. Okay, it's not. But I find that if people know it's your birthday, they're a lot nicer, kinder, and more generous toward you... and that's never a bad thing. I can feel the good vibes already.
Anyway, I just wanted to share with you some of the birthday wishes that I'll be making as I blow out the candles on my cake this year in hopes that they'll come true. I know that supposedly wishes don't come true when you share them with others, but I wished for a dinosaur 12 straight birthdays without telling a soul and never got one, so maybe blogging your wishes is the way to go.

Wish #1: To be able to listen to the radio for five minutes without hearing Adele.

I don't dislike Adele. I'm fine with her and her music, but I've heard "Rolling in the Deep" 374 times... today. Adele, I appreciate the fact that there's a fire starting in your heart and all, but I'd kinda like to listen to some music from someone with a last name for a change.

Wish #2: That a Taco Bell would open up nearby.

Good for the heart... attack
The closest Taco Bell to my house is over 30 miles away. That's straight up un-American. Sure, having not eaten Taco Bell in the last six months has probably added 10 years to my life, but sometimes you just need a 99 cent chicken burrito.

Wish #3: Katy Perry

Russell Brand? C'mon. You can do better than that. I'm funny, I can do a British accent, AND I wash my hair. What exactly do I want with Katy Perry? All that free Proactiv... duh.

Wish #4: For just one, ONE of my teams to win a title.

No need to wrap, there's already a bow
No team I cheer for has won a major title since 1995. That's 16 years. My fan title drought now has a driver's license.

Wish #5: Share

If you like the blog... and let's face it, if you've read this far down, you probably do a little bit... then share it with your friends. Heck, share it with your enemies. Follow the blog, like the facebook page, tweet it, re-tweet it, re-tweet that, #overkill. All that good stuff. It's my birthday, you kinda have to. Thanks to everyone who does keep up with the terribly-titled TKAA... I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I do writing it.