Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Sprucing Up the Ol' Résumé... Part 3

Even more special skills...

41. Uses similes like a boss.

42. Skilled at Casual Friday.

43. Doesn't waste paper... footballs.

44. Wrote hilarious office-themed screenplay called Finding Memo that is just delightful.

45. Not that racist.

46. Can drive an automatic.

47. Keeps collection of Beanie Babies' tags in mint condition.

48. Goes with anything.

49. Likes ultimate frisbee, but doesn't neglect regular frisbees.

50. Owns whatever CD you're listening to on vinyl.

51. User-friendly.

52. Low self-esteem, but very high other types of esteem.

53. Thinks both inside and outside the box. Also on top of the box.

54. Seen every episode of both the UK AND the US Office, which I'm pretty sure gives me dual citizenship.

55. An animal lover, not an animal fighter.

56. Isn't afraid of old people anymore.

57. Can't play any instruments, but really good at listening to music.

58. Vegan... except for during breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

59. Votes sometimes.

60. Fluent in... can you speak French? No? Yeah, fluent in French.

Monday, August 29, 2011

Black History in July: Part VI

Black History Month Great Black Person #25 of 28: Dr. Turk 

I'm no superman... but Turk from Scrubs sure is. Turk is a skilled surgeon, a loving husband, a loyal friend, and a talented 'find the saltine' player. Whether he's jamming in his air band, being the base in Eagle, or fulfilling his duties as half of multi-ethnic siamese doctor, Turk always makes me laugh... and I hear that's the best medicine. That and penicillin. So happy BHM Brown Bear, you are scrub that gets love from me, no matter what TLC says.

Black History Month Great Black Person #26 of 28: Chocolate Milk

Milk = good for you. Chocolate milk = great for you. There's really not much to say about chocolate milk other than it's just about the most delicious there is to drink. There is that unfortunate stigma of chocolate milk being a kid's beverage. Wish I could do something about that. Same goes for grilled cheese. Yes, there should definitely be a grown-up restaurant that serves grilled cheese and chocolate milk... and the founder should be a black guy... then this post would actually have something to do with black history month.

Black History Month Great Black Person #27 of 28: Joe Hamilton

My all-time favorite football player. Joe Hamilton was a four-year starter at QB for Georgia Tech and was absolutely robbed of the 1999 Heisman Trophy. A fellow HTS grad, Joe made Tech fans everywhere proud to be Jackets. I love you Joe Hamilton.

Last one...
Black History Month Great Black Person #28 of 28: all the fine black people who read all these posts and didn't get mad at me

It's been a lot of fun writing all these BHM Great Black People profiles, but right from the start I was worried I might offend someone. Hopefully that was never the case. From what I can tell, everyone seemed to be pretty cool with it, so thanks for that. I'm kinda sad to see February end because I enjoyed this so much... hopefully you did too. Thanks for reading and thanks for all the support... only 337 days til Black History Month 2012... and it's a leap year!

And you can see the whole BHM collection in one place here or find it over there to on the right side of the page -------->

Sunday, August 28, 2011

Teen PokéMom

Here at TKAA, we're all about the kids... and not just the human ones... pokémon too. It's these young pokémon and pokéwomon to whom I write today:

I know there's a lot of pressure to do the pokénasty when you're a teenage pokémon, but I want you young creatures to know that there's no shame in holding on to your (Pokémon) V-Card... just ask the thousands of single pokémoms out there who wish they could have a do-over. Remember, there's only one reliable defense against Nintendo DSTDs and unwanted pregnancies and it's (no, not Coil, Harden, or Leer) abstinence. So delete those booty call numbers from your pokédex and go out and get some fresh air, pokékids. The world is a scary enough place without a pokébaby to worry about, so why not wait until you evolve to do the ol' horizontal battle? And if you can't suppress those pokéurges, at least use protection, because when it comes Nintendo DSTDs, without protection, you're gonna catch 'em all.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Funeral For a Friend

After nearly a decade of dedicated service, my beloved Ford Focus is officially no more. I'm choosing to honor the valiant car in the only way I know how... through poetry:

I hate your stupid squeaky brakes and how they make me cringe
I hate the way your broke AC blows hot air on my friends
I hate the way your trunk won’t close and randomly flies open
I hate how I can’t charge my phone because your lighter’s broken
I hate your lack of power windows and of power locks
I hate the way your frame shakes, just like Mike J. Fox
I hate how you scratch my cds and how you’re so dang small
But mostly I hate the way I don’t hate you, not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all

Thanks Focus... you will be missed

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

And The Winner Is... Everyone

Everybody likes movies, but not everybody likes the same kind of movie. Some folks enjoy critically acclaimed films while others prefer a special effects driven flick. Sadly, it seems like Hollywood rarely puts out a movie that satisfies both crowds. That's why we here at The Kids Are Aight are working hard to petition Hollywood for the following remakes and mash-ups that will help bring the two crowds together.

No Country For X-Men:
- Professor X comes to grips with his mortality, grows his hair out into a historically bad 'do, and travels the countryside in his wheelchair as a handi-capable hitman who kills anyone in his path with his mind... or that crazy bolt pistol thing.

Harry Potter and the Hurt Locker
- Forget Dumbledore's Army, Harry... you're needed in the United States army. Just don't try to use expelliarmus to disarm the bomb.

The Lion King's Speech
- It's the c-c-c-c-circle of l-l-l-l-life.

Rain (Spider)Man
- A man reconnects with his estranged brother, who just so happens to be the world's only autistic superhero. 
- "I'm an excellent spider."
- "Spidey senses are tingling, definitely tingling."

Casablanca 3D
- "Here's looking at you through special glasses, kid."
- "Of all the gin joints in all the towns in the world, she walks into... whoa it really looks like she's coming right at me!"
- "I think this is the beginning of a high-def, digitally-remastered friendship."

Friday, August 12, 2011

Sesame Straight

Bert and Ernie have been in the headlines recently thanks to this campaign to have the two Sesame Street residents wed on the popular children's program. As expected, this has caused quite the ruckus as gay puppet marriage is indeed a hot button issue in today's society. Now as much as I enjoy muppet drama, I feel like Sesame Street has more important issues to deal with than the legal union of its mismatched pair... such as:

The giant yellow bird terrorizing the neighborhood streets. It may seem harmless enough, but I don't trust anything that's seven feet tall and can't dunk.

The purple vampire living in the anachronistic castle down the street. The creature is sure to wreak havoc on the Sesame youth once he grows tired of enumerating. Count on it.

The homeless green monster rummaging through the neighborhood garbage. What if he unsorts the recycling?

The streets are teeming with monsters... none of whom have eyelids. This means they're always watching.

A political debate over gay puppet marriage seems kinda silly compared to these alarming facts... or, you know, just silly in general. Like "brought to you by the letter S" silly.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Sprucing Up the Ol' Résumé... Part 2

More special skills...

21. Good at lunch breaks.

22. Allergic to not succeeding.

23. Fills that hard-to-fill "white male" quota.

24. Always picks tails in a coin flip... so, loyal.

25. Never used steroids. Well, I never inhaled.

26. Never joined Pen 15 club in high school.

27. Tolerant... except of lactose.

28. Looks both ways before crossing anything (the street, t's, picket lines).

29. Never ends a sentence in a preposition.

30. Has ability to make anyone look tan simply by standing next to them.

31. Doesn't like cake very much, so more for others on co-workers' birthdays.

32. Good with children.

33. Great with adults.

34. Hasn't cut wisdom teeth yet, so could possibly get even wiser.

35. Keeps up with current events/Kardashians.

36. Doesn't know the meaning of the word quit... but willing to learn.

37. Snazzy dresser.

38. Snazzy armoire.

39. More humble than anyone.

40. Can tell you how to get to Sesame Street.

Here's Part 1 if you missed it

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Black History Month in July: Part V

Okay... it's not July anymore, but whatevs. 2nd to last installment:

Black History Month Great Black Person 
#21 of 28: law-abiding rappers

With rap and hip-hop at an all-time high in popularity, youngsters have really started looking up to rappers. Unfortunately, many rappers have sordid pasts and bad reputations... so this installment of Great Black Person goes out to all those lyricolosists who have never been arrested or served time. Sadly, this means no:

waka flocka, ja rule, wiz khalifa, kid cudi, akon, big lurch, black rob, c-murder, capone, dmx, da brat, eve, flesh n bone, gucci mane, foxy brown, lil boosie, lil wayne, lil kim, lloyd banks, mystikal, odb, prodigy, r kelly, p diddy, vanilla ice (blackness under review), slick rick, snoop dogg, steady b, styles p, suge knight, t.i., travie mccoy, tupac, or jeezy. 

So pretty much the honors today go to will smith and kanye west... and kanye, you were mean to taylor swift, so you don't get to be part of this either. Happy BHM, will smith!

Black History Month Great Black Person
#22 of 28: the Famous Jett Jackson

Long before Hannah Montana, there was the original Disney Channel star who had the best of both worlds... Jett Jackson. Jett managed to seamlessly transition between a life as a normal high school student and the life of a famous actor. Unlike Miley Cyrus, Jett wasn't afraid of his own celebrity and didn't need to live a double life. Also unlike Miley, he didn't feel it necessary to burden the world with an auto-tune heavy singing career. Thanks Jett, for entertaining us with your show... and for entertaining us with the show inside your show... also you were in Friday Night Lights.

Black History Month Great Black Person 
#23 of 28: the smoke monster from Lost

Even without speaking, the Smoke Monster struck fear into the hearts of the Lost castaways for 6 whole seasons. If that doesn't deserve an Emmy, I don't know what does. Just steal one from Mad Men... they'll never know. Not very many people know this, but the Lost Island isn't exactly the most open-minded of places. For years and years, it only employed white smoke monsters... making the black smoke monster's triumphs all the more astounding. So happy BHM, smoke monster from Lost, you are to be celebrated... as is Lost as a whole cuz it's pretty much the best show of all-time.

Black History Month Great Black Person #24 of 28: Ollie the Weatherman

"It's gon rain!" The first time I saw that, I laughed so so hard. Though Ollie is a fairly minor character in Family Guy, his abbreviated outbursts are loved by all. I can't say for sure, but I think Ollie is probably a pretty great weatherman too... he's been at the same station since 1999 after all. Thanks for all you do Ollie... every second you're on the screen is one less second that Peter is singing "The Bird is the Word."

Sunday, August 7, 2011

Colorblind = Winning

Wabi Sabi is the Japanese mindset that centers around the belief that our imperfections are what make us perfect. Now, I don't necessarily believe in Japan, but I think there's some truth to that. What would the Liberty Bell be without its crack? Where would Cindy Crawford be without her trademark mole? Yes, sometimes it is our flaws that make us who we are. Sometimes what seems like a handicap is really a blessing.

Such is the case with colorblindness.

Sure, there are times when being colorblind is a disadvantage: It's hard to tell what flavor jello is in front of you until you take a bite, rainbows just look like frowns, Weezer albums are very confusing... but let's not worry about these. Let's get our Wabi Sabi on and think about the positive aspects of being colorblind. I'll tell you one... being colorblind is awesome if you wanna win at board games.

Twister - No more of this left-hand-blue/right-foot-yellow nonsense... all the dots are gray. Left foot gray? Done.

Connect Four - Normal people (or Normies as I like to call them) might see alternating red and black chips across the board. People who are colorblind see 128 different connect fours. Win.

Uno - Let's see, I have to play a 7... dang it, I don't have any of those... oh wait, it's a gray 7! I have lots of grays! All grays! Everyone better hope the dude to my left has a ton of skips or this game is over.

Clue - "I think it's the gray piece in the kitchen with the revolver."
"You mean Professor Plum?"
"Yeah yeah yeah yeah."

Trivial Pursuit
- Get one question right and you've already got all the different colored wedges. Game over.

Monopoly - Okay, Monopoly sucks if you're colorblind. You have to own everything on the board before you can start building hotels. Also, it's a known fact that colorblind people are terrible at rolling doubles.
By the way, if you can't see a "10" in the picture at the top, you're probably colorblind.

Friday, August 5, 2011


Pottermore. I'm not exactly sure what Pottermore is, but wikipedia describes it as a place online where:  
Users will be able to participate in interactive reading experiences or "moments" beginning with the first book Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone. After choosing a username, the users will move through the chapters and "follow" Harry. Among other things, users will be able to visit Diagon Alley, be sorted into houses, and learn spells. 
Essentially, it doesn't matter what it is... it's Harry Potter and I'm interested. So when I find out that there's early registration, of course I'm game. This registration, however, is not for the faint of heart. Long story short, I had to be awake at 5AM and had to jump through all sorts of hoops just to register. But I did. At the end of registration, you get to pick a username. Sadly, you don't get to pick your own, but you do get five choices to pick from. Here's where the story turns sour.  The best, the BEST option I was given was FlameKey. Yes, Flamekey. FlameKey... the answer to the question, "what opens a gay lock?" FlameKey... the username that 2nd graders think is juvenile. FlameKey... the username that's too ostentatious for Elton John and Richard Simmons. UGH. I stayed up until 5AM and I get to be FlameKey. And what do my friends get? CatSkull, PotionMaster, OwlStud, UnicornBludger. Why couldn't I get UnicornBludger? This is codswallop.

I bet all the other Pottermore users are gonna call me LameKey. I'll get auto-sorted into Hufflepuff and become a librarian's apprentice... or the guy that empties Mrs. Norris' litter box. I'll have a toad as a pet, a wand made from a smelting stick, and I'll be a Mudblood born of some sort of wizard rape. I'll be the first wizard to die in a game of exploding snap, causing Zonko's to recall the product and everyone will forever hate FlameKey for ruining a super fun game. No one will come to my wizard funeral except for Ivan Karkaroff and that's just to rob my grave.

Thanks a lot, Pottermore.

Monday, August 1, 2011

You're a Great Guy... But

I've never heard this myself or anything, but I hear, um, from a friend, that the 4 words a guy never wants to hear from a girl are "you're a great guy" because they're always followed by "but... (insert something bad here.)" For instance:

From a girl you like: "You're a great guy... but I just don't feel that way about you."

From that girl you just proposed to: "You're a great guy... but I'm already married."

Even from a cop: "You're a great guy... but you were going 25 over and I'm gonna hafta give you a ticket."

We've all been there... except for me, I mean. So I propose a change on my friend's behalf... never again shall the words "you're a great guy" be followed by anything that isn't also great. For instance:

From a girl you like: "You're a great guy... so let's do it."

From that girl you just proposed to: "You're a great guy... so yes. Oh, I forgot to tell you, my family is super rich."

From the cop: "You're a great guy... wanna fire my gun?"