Potterless

Pottermore. I'm not exactly sure what Pottermore is, but wikipedia describes it as a place online where:  

Users will be able to participate in interactive reading experiences or "moments" beginning with the first book Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone. After choosing a username, the users will move through the chapters and "follow" Harry. Among other things, users will be able to visit Diagon Alley, be sorted into houses, and learn spells. 

Essentially, it doesn't matter what it is... it's Harry Potter and I'm interested. So when I find out that there's early registration, of course I'm game. This registration, however, is not for the faint of heart. Long story short, I had to be awake at 5AM and had to jump through all sorts of hoops just to register. But I did. At the end of registration, you get to pick a username. Sadly, you don't get to pick your own, but you do get five choices to pick from. Here's where the story turns sour.  The best, the BEST option I was given was FlameKey. Yes, Flamekey. FlameKey... the answer to the question, "what opens a gay lock?" FlameKey... the username that 2nd graders think is juvenile. FlameKey... the username that's too ostentatious for Elton John and Richard Simmons. UGH. I stayed up until 5AM and I get to be FlameKey. And what do my friends get? CatSkull, PotionMaster, OwlStud, UnicornBludger. Why couldn't I get UnicornBludger? This is codswallop.

I bet all the other Pottermore users are gonna call me LameKey. I'll get auto-sorted into Hufflepuff and become a librarian's apprentice... or the guy that empties Mrs. Norris' litter box. I'll have a toad as a pet, a wand made from a smelting stick, and I'll be a Mudblood born of some sort of wizard rape. I'll be the first wizard to die in a game of exploding snap, causing Zonko's to recall the product and everyone will forever hate FlameKey for ruining a super fun game. No one will come to my wizard funeral except for Ivan Karkaroff and that's just to rob my grave.

Thanks a lot, Pottermore.