Wednesday, November 30, 2011

And the Winner Is... Everyone: Part 4

The Oscar for Best Actor is Slim Shady's to lose

Everybody likes movies, but not everybody likes the same kind of movie. Some folks enjoy critically acclaimed films while others prefer a special effects driven flick. Sadly, it seems like Hollywood rarely puts out a movie that satisfies both crowds. That's why we here at The Kids Are Aight are working hard to petition Hollywood for the following remakes and mash-ups that will help bring the two crowds together.

Super 8 Mile: JJ Abrams directs Eminem in this heartwarming tale of a young man who engulfs himself in the world of underground rap after losing his mother. Though his dad will never understand his thuggish way of life, Eminem's character rap battles his way to the top, proving his worth to his dad, his friends, and most of all... himself. Also, there's an alien.

Puss in Das Boots: Basically, the cat from Shrek is on a WWII-era German submarine and... well, it doesn't really matter. It's animated, it's in 3D, it's got the Shrek name attached to it... it'll make bank.

Scott Pilgrim vs. the Help: Scott Pilgrim's life is all peaches and gravy until he meets the girl of his dreams and discovers that in order to be with her, he has to defeat her seven evil ex-maids. This film is extremely racist and should not be viewed by anyone.

Jurassic Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut: Hold on to you #@$%*@%*&(#@(^%(*@#@^*(*-ing butts.

Everything You Always Wanted To Know About Shrek, But Were Too Afraid To Ask: Woody Allen directs the 5th film in the Shrek franchise for some unknown reason.

Monday, November 28, 2011

One Fine Day

Brianna Amat doubled as homecoming queen and placekicker for Pinckney.
Deadly is the foot that wears the crown
A few weeks ago, the young lady above, Brianna Amat, did something I thought was pretty incredible. Both a kicker for her high school football team and a member of the Homecoming Court, Brianna managed to win Homecoming Queen at halftime, then proceed to kick a game-winning field goal a short while later.

I've never been able to do either of those things... much less in the same night.

Brianna's accomplishment got me thinking about some of the great "in the same day" accomplishments I've read about.

Thomas Jefferson - July 4, 1776
1. Wrote the Declaration of Independence.
2. Finally conquered lifelong fear of writing a Declaration of Independence.

Papa John - October 2, 1984 
1. First thought of ubiquitous slogan, "Better Ingredients. Better Pizza. Papa John's."
2. Stole the CEO of Pizza Hut's girlfriend by telling her, "Better Personality. Better Hair. Papa John."

Some high school student somewhere - April 14, 2009
1. Used the correct spelling of "you're" in a sentence.
2. Used a semicolon properly in a sentence.
(Just kidding. This has never happened.)

Rosa Parks - December 1, 1955
1. Defied racial inequality by refusing to sit in the back of a bus.
2. Found a dollar under her seat at the front of said bus.

Tiger Woods - April 10, 2005
1. Won the Masters for the 4th time.
2. Didn't cheat on his wife that day.

Jimmy Carter - October 11, 2002
1. Won Nobel Peace Prize
2. Won a free large french fry playing the Monopoly game at McDonalds.

David Hammock - May 13, 2004
1. Caught a home run ball bare-handed at the Braves game.
2. Totally didn't let on that said baseball destroyed my hand and hurt for like 10 hours.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

K, Thx

I'm thankful for...

  • the return of Arrested Development
  • Fleet Foxes
  • my cat, Starvin' Marvin
  • Coach Paul Johnson (Go Jackets!)
  • funnel cake
  • my family
  • Community (fingers crossed it doesn't get canceled)
  • Checkers fries
  • fantasy football (go Das Bootleg and Whoopee Concussion!)
  • Wes Anderson movies
  • iPhones
  • a loving, merciful, gracious God
  • Amazon Prime
  • Shazam
  • Regina Spektor
  • Craig Kimbrel
  • knee socks
  • Chick-fil-A sauce
  • Parks & Recreation
  • the new Hunger Games movie
  • XM Radio
  • Diet Mtn Dew
  • CharDee MacDennis
  • the Onion
  • Selena Gomez
  • Alka-Seltzer
  • Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
  • disc golf
  • Rotten Tomatoes

  • ... and all the fine people who read this blog

  • oh, AND TWINS

Sunday, November 20, 2011

10(+) Things I Hate About UGA

It's Hate Week for Georgia Tech fans and you won't find a bigger Tech fan than me. Hate Week is the week leading up to the big GT/UGA football game where students and alumni air their grievances about the rival school. Yes, I know it's not good to hate others, but while there certainly are some good Georgia fans out there, there are far too many bad ones for me to feel the least bit bad about all the animosity I feel toward the university[sic]. The following is a little poem I wrote to celebrate my hate for all things UGA:

I hate the way your fans all bark and how you misspell dogs
I hate the way your Sunday best is camo overalls
I hate the way your mascot drools and how you live off beer
I hate how half your football team ends up in jail each year
I hate how you don't count those wins from war years when we played
I hate how I took harder classes in the 7th grade
I hate how half your fan base has never seen your school
I hate how you call Techies nerds, as if farming is cool
I hate your hedges, Herschel Walker, hate black and hate red
I hate how Larry Munson's voice makes me wish I were dead
I hate the way your redneck school brings down the whole darn state
I hate you so much UGA, clean old-fashioned hate

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Logic in the Time of Cholera

I was very, very sick the past few days. How sick? Well, at one point I chose to watch Beverly Hills Chihuahua 2 in its entirety rather than get up and walk three steps across the living room to get the remote and change the channel. I must have been delirious too, because half the time it seemed like the dogs were talking in these racially insensitive little voices and... I dunno, I guess the plot was just too complex to follow for someone who hasn't seen the first movie. Anyway, though the doggie movie was pretty terrible, I don't regret my decision. You see, I have this theory about being sick... you don't partake in anything you enjoy because once you're well, you'll forever associate that enjoyable thing with being sick... then it won't be enjoyable anymore.
Singing, dancing Kryptonite

Case in point: 4th grade. I missed THREE weeks of school with what I can only assume was some form of the Bubonic Plague. My favorite movie back then was The Sound of Music. My mom stayed home with me the whole time and we watched it over and over and over. I tell ya, I knew every line of that movie. I could climb every mountain, ford every stream, AND name the casting director. At the time, it seemed like a pretty good way to pass the time while the Black Death slowly exited my system. But now? Now, even a glimpse of that movie makes me feel sick to my stomach. I can't hear My Favorite Things without feeling, ironically, so bad. Any flower that remotely resembles the majestic edelweiss sends me into convulsions. Even talking about World War II makes me break out in a cold sweat... which was rough, seeing as I was a history major in college.
I am trying to break your heart

This past week, if I had gathered the strength to get up and pop in a good ol' Wes Anderson DVD instead of suffering through two hours of talking dogs, I could have ruined one of my favorite movies. Thus, Beverly Hills Chihuahua 2 was a necessary evil. This theory also holds true for bad breakups. That's why I can't listen to Wilco's Yankee Hotel Foxtrot anymore. It used to be my favorite record until... nah, I'd never let a girl ruin that album for me. Nice try, Eva Longoria.

Friday, November 11, 2011

Tragedy in Pink

amiel_weisblum_pinkribbon.jpg, Pink Ribbon by Ameil Weisblum. not for commercial use.
If you read this blog regularly, you know that it's not exactly the most serious site in the world, falling somewhere between and yes, dot gov. Today is different. The following is all true and hopefully the fact that this post is adjacent to one about butts doesn't detract from its sincerity:

My grandmother died of breast cancer in February of this year. She was a kind and compassionate lady. She loved her son. Her son, my dad, loves basketball. He's coached high school girls basketball for the last 15 years and it's a big part of his life. Throughout his coaching career, my grandmother was a proud, supportive parent and fan of his teams. On many occasions, she donated money to help out with extra costs that the school couldn't provide for, like new uniforms, equipment, etc. She attended games, even when she was sick, until she physically couldn't anymore. The girls on the team knew her and loved her. Some even made the three hour drive to attend her funeral.

Because of the special relationship between my Grandma Pat and his team, my father and the girls decided to dedicate the upcoming season to her memory. He bought new uniforms, home and away, that boast a small, pink ribbon on the middle of the collar. This pink ribbon is a tasteful, heartfelt tribute to a wonderful lady as well as to the other countless victims of breast cancer.

When the season tips off tomorrow, however, these pink ribbons may be hidden behind an irreverent piece of white tape.

Between the time the new jerseys were purchased and now, the Georgia High School Association passed a rule stating that pink may not be worn on uniforms unless they are official colors of the school. That's basically every school in the state, including my dad's team, Tallulah Falls. It seems during football season, many high school players took the privilege to wear pink for breast cancer awareness to extremes by decking themselves out in pink socks, cleats, gloves, etc in a gaudy manner. I don't blame them. They're kids and they were just emulating what they saw on TV in the NFL. They just lacked the discernment to keep it tasteful.

But the Tallulah Falls tribute to breast cancer is tasteful; not to mention more poignant and heartfelt than probably almost anything during football season. These are girls. Girls who, God forbid, may have to deal with breast cancer someday themselves. This is a team who is honoring a departed friend. This is a one-and-a-half inch pale pink ribbon. This is a tragedy.

The new rule states than any player who enters the game wearing pink will receive a technical foul. That means if Tallulah Falls doesn't tape over the ribbon, the opposing team will shoot 10 free throws to start the game. They'll also shoot two free throws anytime a sub comes into the game. That's an awful lot of free points.

It seems to me that there should be some sort of grandfather clause to this rule. That a team who already bought their uniforms before the rule should be allowed to wear them. The rule is meant to keep players from wearing bright pink headbands and wristbands, surely they can make an exception in this case. But that's not likely.

Still, there's hope for the pink ribbon tribute. Ultimately, the decision whether or not to enforce the rule is made by the head referee each game. Hopefully, those individuals will display some common sense and compassion and let the ribbon slide. Or maybe the opposing team will miss their free throws on purpose like in some cheesy Lifetime movie. I'm not particularly optimistic.

I'm looking forward to cheering on the Lady Indians tomorrow, and for the sake of the girls, my dad, and my grandmother, I hope I don't see that unholy white tape.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Strengths and Weaknesses: Kim Kardashian

Kim Kardashian is in the headlines again after filing for divorce from her husband after only 72 days of marriage. Let's take a look at some of the voluptuous socialite's strengths and weaknesses.



  • Easy to keep up with.
  • Actually looks pretty hot when standing next to her sisters.
  • Marriage lasted longer than most of NBC's new fall lineup.
  • Fake tan consistent with fake personality.
  • You can't get STDs from being a media whore.
  • Single-handedly keeping the airbrushing industry in business.
  • While dating running back Reggie Bush, scored more fantasy points than Reggie Bush did.
  • Surprisingly good at Call of Duty.

  • Made a sex tape with Ray J.
  • Made a SEX TAPE with RAY J.
  • Married the least famous person in the entire NBA.
  • If middle name also starts with K, she's got a lot of monogrammed stuff she needs to burn.
  • Giant butt probably means giant farts.
  • If you don't count the wedding reception or honeymoon, only married 14 seconds.
  • Always wants to jump out of own birthday cake.
  • Just all kinds of whorish.

Sunday, November 6, 2011

Meeting the Neighbors

Chocolate Face
I recently moved from South Atlanta to the North Georgia mountains. Along with a new job, new house, new surroundings, I have also have new neighbors. Now I was blessed with some pretty cool neighbors at my old house, including not one, but two Hooters waitresses in the houses adjacent. My new neighbors? Well, I couldn't really tell you. I haven't spoken to them very much because they're just not around like at the old neighborhood. In Atlanta, we'd have bonfires, poker nights, cookouts, but here, it's just not like that. And that's fine. But when it comes to talking about my new neighbors, there's just not that much to tell. UNLESS. Unless you count animals. There are tons of pets and they've been way more welcoming than their owners. The only thing about knowing the pet better than you know the owner is that you have no idea what the animals' names are. You can't ask a dog its name. Well, you can, but it's pretty fruitless. It's also weird to ask the owners their pets' names. It's like, "hey Neighbor-to-the-left-that-I-never-talk-to, just wondering, well first of all hi, but just wondering, what is your dog's name? I'm David, by the way. Also, what's your name?" Awkward. So, I don't know these pets' names, but I've gotta call them something, right? Right. So being that they can't talk and that you can call cats and dogs pretty much whatever you want, I've come up with some lovely names for the pets in my neighborhood:

Big brown dog: Chocolate Face
Little black dog: Zeppelin
German shepherd: Achtung Doggie
Dalmatian-ish puppy: Spoticus
White cat: Polar Cat
Black and white cat: Race War
Dog 2 doors down that won't shut up: Chelsea Handler
Dog 3 doors down: Kryptonite
Orange cat: Ginger Paws
Yellow cat: Cat Michael Murray

I hope I never learn their real names. They'll probably pale in comparison to the fake names that took me several thoughtful seconds each to conjure. By the way, I've actually never seen Chocolate Face's owner. I hope he's not black. That could be an awful situation. I'm jogging down the street... I see the dog race out of its driveway... "Hey Chocolate Face!"... the black guy appears steps behind... "No no no, I was talking to your dog... brah... I mean sir." Then I can really kiss the bonfires and poker nights goodbye.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Motivational Whatever

This poster doesn't do it for me.

1. It looks like the dude is gonna miss the dunk.
2. I can't at all tell how much effort is being exerted.
3. The basketball is tiny and photoshopped.
4. It's not true.

That's the problem with all the posters you see at school. They're corny and they really don't mean anything. Mostly, they're just statements that do little to inspire kids. Still, I want my classroom to fit in... so made one of my own:

I think this will almost definitely make a difference in a child's life.