Sunday, November 6, 2011

Meeting the Neighbors

Chocolate Face
I recently moved from South Atlanta to the North Georgia mountains. Along with a new job, new house, new surroundings, I have also have new neighbors. Now I was blessed with some pretty cool neighbors at my old house, including not one, but two Hooters waitresses in the houses adjacent. My new neighbors? Well, I couldn't really tell you. I haven't spoken to them very much because they're just not around like at the old neighborhood. In Atlanta, we'd have bonfires, poker nights, cookouts, but here, it's just not like that. And that's fine. But when it comes to talking about my new neighbors, there's just not that much to tell. UNLESS. Unless you count animals. There are tons of pets and they've been way more welcoming than their owners. The only thing about knowing the pet better than you know the owner is that you have no idea what the animals' names are. You can't ask a dog its name. Well, you can, but it's pretty fruitless. It's also weird to ask the owners their pets' names. It's like, "hey Neighbor-to-the-left-that-I-never-talk-to, just wondering, well first of all hi, but just wondering, what is your dog's name? I'm David, by the way. Also, what's your name?" Awkward. So, I don't know these pets' names, but I've gotta call them something, right? Right. So being that they can't talk and that you can call cats and dogs pretty much whatever you want, I've come up with some lovely names for the pets in my neighborhood:

Big brown dog: Chocolate Face
Little black dog: Zeppelin
German shepherd: Achtung Doggie
Dalmatian-ish puppy: Spoticus
White cat: Polar Cat
Black and white cat: Race War
Dog 2 doors down that won't shut up: Chelsea Handler
Dog 3 doors down: Kryptonite
Orange cat: Ginger Paws
Yellow cat: Cat Michael Murray


I hope I never learn their real names. They'll probably pale in comparison to the fake names that took me several thoughtful seconds each to conjure. By the way, I've actually never seen Chocolate Face's owner. I hope he's not black. That could be an awful situation. I'm jogging down the street... I see the dog race out of its driveway... "Hey Chocolate Face!"... the black guy appears steps behind... "No no no, I was talking to your dog... brah... I mean sir." Then I can really kiss the bonfires and poker nights goodbye.