Grown-Up Christmas List

Who wouldn't want one of these?

I hate Christmas music. It's not so much your Silent Night or your White Christmas that I have a problem with though... it's the kitschy stuff. The newer songs like Last Christmas by Wham and Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer by who I can only assume is Satan are the bane of my holiday existence. One offender in particular, Grown-Up Christmas List by Amy Grant, truly makes me cringe. Aside from it
being maudlin and trite, it makes me feel like a bad person. If you're not familiar with the song (lucky you), the now-adult artist lists off her Christmas wishes to Santa, all of which are intangible acts of goodness such as ending wars and hoping that everyone has friends. When I was younger, I thought maybe someday I would want selfless things like these for Christmas. Nope. I still want stuff. I want an iPad and a new car and a pet unicorn. And even if I could break free from my shameful materialism, I just don't see the intangible things I would wish for ever making it into a Christmas song... though I think they would be good for humanity:

I wish for...
Brangelina to lose Fangelinas
Beautiful celebrities are gonna be idolized. It's a sad fact. Now, there's no denying that Mister Pitt and Miss Jolie are an attractive couple, but it seems like they get off scot-free when it comes to their shortcomings. Angelina is a brother-kissing, blood vial-wearing, Billy Bob Thornton-marrying, adulterous lady. Brad cheated on poor Jen and caused all kinds of problems by orchestrating that Project Mayhem. Seems like the public could mindlessly idolize celebrities with a slightly better working moral compass. Someone like Morgan Freeman or Elmo.

End animal cruelty... commercials

It's super effective!

I'm watching a Scrubs rerun, I'm laughing, then cut to commercial and there's a one-legged dog with its eyeball hanging out of its socket. I don't wanna see that. And I don't wanna hear about it from the woman who played Roseanne's sister on Roseanne. Get somebody relevant and attractive. Get Vanessa Hudgens. And show like a puppy with a bandaid on its nose. I don't wanna see the worst beaten dog in the entire world. I'm a cat person anyway. 

Make the Hunger Games a reality
Is there something inherently wrong about pitting 24 children against each other in a fight to the death? Probably. But Suzanne Collins is on to something. 24 innocent children killing each other for the public's amusement may be a little much, but what if we throw some real evildoers in there? I'm talking Casey Anthony, Jerry Sandusky, OJ Simpson, Bernie Madoff, Voldemort, the McRib... they probably deserve it. May the odds be ever in your favor, a-holes.