My Bucket List

Just in case you don't know, a bucket list is a list of thing you want to do before you "kick the bucket." Also, just in case you don't know, "kick the bucket" means die. Here's my bucket list.

1. Never die.

2. Own an in-home Krispy Kreme doughnut making machine.

3. Beat Spider Solitaire on four suits.

4. Perform a Mortal Kombat-style fatality on a human being.

5. Become a cast member on the Real World and be just the most down-to-earth, normal person in the show's history.

6. Participate in a Civil War reenactment dressed as Abe Lincoln and run to the Confederate front line and attempt to surrender.

7. Become "The Bachelor" and not give out a single rose during the first rose ceremony. Maybe walk out of the mansion and do the Judd Nelson fist pump from The Breakfast Club.

8. Qualify to be a contestant on Jeopardy! and pray that all the categories are sports.

9. Own a house made entirely of tempur-pedic material.

10. Win the McDonald's monopoly game.

11. Enter the Nathan's hot dog eating contest and slowly enjoy a hot dog on stage... maybe two.

12. Destroy all squash so no one ever has to eat it again.

13. Make it through Field of Dreams without crying.

14. Make 100 free throws in a row.

15. Break up Mandy Moore and Ryan Adams' marriage, then marry Mandy Moore with Ryan Adams as my best man. Also he sings at the reception.

16. Punch Kent Hrbek in the face.

17. Gain acceptance into the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

18. Teach a guy named Dougie how to dougie.

19. Teach the children of the world the difference between "your" and "you're." Also the adults.

20. Learn other parts to REM's "It's the End Of the World As We Know It" besides "LEONARD BERNSTEIN!"

21. Catch all 150 pokemon... with my bare hands.

22. Learn Hebrew.

23. Find a unicorn and keep it as a pet.

24. Play ring toss with the aforementioned Krispy Kreme doughnuts and the aforementioned unicorn's horn.

25. Get the straw in the CapriSun on the first try.