Friday, July 22, 2011

Fear Itself

Franklin Delano Roosevelt famously declared that, "we have nothing to fear but fear itself." Now that's clever and all, but I'm pretty sure FDR was afraid of more than just fear. Polio immediately comes to mind. Unlike FDR, I think it's healthy to talk about our fears, get them out in the open. By sharing our fears with others, we lessen the amount of power they have over us. So in the spirit of sharing openly, here are a few of my biggest fears:

1. The Mothman - The Mothman is some sort of fallen angel/demon/bird creature that terrorizes mankind. This may seem ridiculous, but there's a pretty convincing one-hour special on the History Channel that I had the misfortune of seeing as a youngster that put the fear of this creature into me. Worse than the History Channel special was the time that I actually saw the Mothman while driving home one fateful night. When I finally summoned the courage to return to the spot where I saw him the next day, I found a Mothman-shaped bush in the exact spot where I saw it the night before. No doubt this was placed there by the Mothman himself in a devious attempt to lull me into a false sense of security.

2. The Ocean at Night - More specifically, floating adrift in the middle of the ocean at night. I can't imagine a more terrifying scenario. Who knows what snapping at your feet, sharks and killer dolphins all around you, Ursula...

3. Going to the Braves game and being shown on the jumbotron during the "kiss cam" segment and you're sitting next to a girl who's a friend, but not your girlfriend, so it's awkward to kiss her, but everybody's egging you on and you've always had a thing for her so maybe this your chance, so you go in for the kiss, but she pulls away and it ruins your entire relationship - That one's pretty self-explanatory.

4. Nicki Minaj - 70% sure she's a man-eating robot.

5. Opossums - Those beady eyes, that matted fur, that nasty tail, that silent O... what a terrible little creature. The fear here mostly stems from the time that I leaned down to pet my cat Socks, who was eating out of his bowl on the porch outside, only to find that it wasn't Socks at all, but a vile, beady-eyed marsupial with gnashing teeth and a black heart. (Yep. Opossums are marsupials. You learned something new today.)