Monday, July 25, 2011

What's the Problem Occifer?

I was driving at 2am the other night... a little bored, a little sleepy... so I decided to participate in everyone's favorite pastime... slaloming the reflectors in the middle of the street. Who would have guessed that slaloming could be mistaken for drunk driving? So I get pulled over.... and for whatever reason, I'm feeling bold.

Fuzz: Have you been drinking tonight?
Me: Yes sir. Two diet mountain dews.

Fuzz: No alcohol?
Me: Well, they were code reds.

Fuzz: Do you realize that you were swerving?

(Intermission) Urban Dictionary defines swerving as - swerve

Can be used in place of "groove."

Ex: "Get your swerve on."
Luckily the officer was white and didn't mean it in this way... cuz if he did... you know I be guilty.

Me: No sir.

Fuzz: Where are you going?
Me: Home.

Fuzz: Can you touch you nose, sir?
Me: Yes.

Fuzz: Please do it.
Me: (Touches nose.)

Fuzz: With both fingers.
Me: (I do it perfectly. Good thing I did fingers at the gym yesterday.)

Me: Do you want me to just take the breathalyzer?
Fuzz: No, I don't smell any alcohol coming from the car.
Me: Not even from my tequila-scented air freshener?

Fuzz: Haha, funny... but seriously, I should write you up for all those ugly bumper stickers.
Me: What, the Georgia Tech ones? Don't worry we never beat you guys.
Fuzz: Yeah, the Dawgs have your number.
Me: No, I just meant Tech grads never beat police officers. (Okay I didn't say that.)

Fuzz: So why were you swerving?
(Notice he says were instead of was. That's how you know he doesn't mean the groove one.)
Me: I didn't realize I was. (Slaloming is clearly not the same as swerving.)

Fuzz: Just tell me you were tired and I'll let you off with a warning.
Me: I'm tired.

Fuzz: Drive safely.
Me: Thanks.

Fuzz walks away.

I drive off, wondering if he was secretly impressed with my bravado/slaloming skills.