Strengths and Weaknesses: Frankenstein

It's Halloween and who better to focus on today than one of history's most prolific monsters, Frankenstein? Let's take a look at some of the big guy's strengths and weaknesses.

FRANKENSTEIN

STRENGTHS

• Only Jewish monster besides Jedidiah the Friendly Ghost.
• Bolts on neck good for hanging earphones when not in use.
• Comprised of separate body parts... just like celebrities.
• Doesn't get angry when people mistake him for the Hulk,  Shrek, or the Phillie Phanatic.
• I think he mighta been the guy who just married and divorced Kim Kardashian. (Maybe this should go under weaknesses)
• Never has to dress up for Halloween.
• Doesn't have a mother, so no chance of developing an Oedipus complex.
• Colors inside the lines.

WEAKNESSES

• Lost out on lucrative cereal endorsement deal to Frankenberry.
• Scar on forehead really should have cleared up by now.
• No one cares his full name is Frankenstein Jones.
• Still uses MySpace.
• Doesn't understand why everyone at Fenway Park is always talking about him.
• Angry mob always following him with pitchforks, yet hardly any followers on Twitter.
• Complicated relationship with father, human race. 
• When at parties, refuses to do any dance besides the monster mash.
  
  
  And since it's Halloween, have a look at my pumpkins from the last 2 years. The one on the left is supposed to be Ke$ha. Supposed to be. I went with a far less ambitious approach this year by simply carving the Varsity V and then drawing delicious Varsity food around it.
  

Animals That Shouldn't Mate

It's kinda cool how different animal species can mate and have hybrid animal babies. Like lions and tigers can make ligers, zebras and ponies can make zonies, and Nickelodeon can make CatDog. But while some hybrids are okay, others just don't work:

Obviously there can be no Bulldog and Shih Tzu mixture... but we've all known that since 4th grade.

Penguins and Ibises are both birds. That would work, right? Think about it.

Penguin + Ibis = Penis

Anything + Rooster = not good.

(Giant Panda + Rooster = Giant Cock)

(Gila Monster + Rooster = Monster Cock)

(Dinosaur + Rooster = Thunder Cock)

Sperm whales are pretty much out of the question.

Definitely can't breed donkeys with anything.

What a terribly juvenile post this was... I apologize.

Odds and Ends

• Before the Civil Rights Movement, I bet there were a lot of mix-ups over colored pencils. How could you tell the difference between colored pencils (colorful pencils for whites) and colored pencils (regular pencils for blacks)? I bet this was one of the things that pushed Dr. King over edge.

• You know how in Fight Club they have that ongoing conversation about who they would wanna fight if they could pick anyone in the world? I'd pick Jay-Z. I don't have anything against him, but it'd probably be nice for him to have a nice round 100 problems for once. Actually, I do kinda hate Jay-Z.

• If Kirsten Dunst is struggling to tell you bad news, I think it's a good idea to tell her to Bring It On. The resulting laughter would help ease the tension.

• If a DJ does a Duran Duran double play on the radio, it's like Duran Duran Duran Duran... and if Karen O ever joined forces with the Flaming Lips it'd be the Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeahs.

• I have a bad habit of saying "you too" to the person at the drive-thru window, regardless of what they say...
  
  
  Sometimes it works: 
• Have a nice day
• Thank you
• Who sings Sunday Bloody Sunday?

        Sometimes it doesn't: 

• Enjoy your meal
• Need any ketchup?
• We're closed

Indie Music Ice Cream Truck

There's an ice cream truck that drives throughout my neighborhood every day, blaring Pop Goes the Weasel and If You're Happy and You Know It in an effort to attract the kiddies. The only problem is, there aren't that many kids in my neighborhood. There are a lot of young adults though. Maybe the ice cream man should think about shutting off the kiddie music and playing some Vampire Weekend or something instead. Ooh, indie music ice cream truck!

Flavors:

• Death Cone for Cutie
• Chunky Arctic Monkey
• Passion Pit-stachio
• The Marzipan Volta
• Miike Snowcone
• Pavement Chocolate Chip
• Sticky Lykke Li
• Sigur-Free Ros
• Neutral Milkshake Hotel
• MmmGMT

Oh man, I would love this... at least at first, until other people started liking it. Nevermind... all the indie ice cream would end up selling out anyway.

Strengths and Weaknesses: Coldplay

With Coldplay set to release their 5th studio album, Mylo Xyloto, next week, it's a good time to take a look at some of the band's strengths and weaknesses.

COLDPLAY

STRENGTHS

• More Grammys than Barack Obama.
• Have drawn comparisons to the Beatles, the most famous band in the world... besides Coldplay.
• All band members have British accents, just in case being rock stars isn't a good enough way to get girls.
• If you play their 2nd album "A Rush of Blood to the Head" and the movie "Love Actually" at the same time, it syncs up perfectly.
• New album will go platinum even if recorded on a Yak Bak.
• Appeal to fans of rock, pop, alternative... pretty much every genre except country... and let's face it, country music fans don't deserve to listen to Coldplay.
• They don't panic.
• Got music critics to shut up about Radiohead for five minutes.

WEAKNESSES

• Only 1 of 4 band members married to Gwyneth Paltrow.
• Afraid to tell world Coldplay is actually 2 words.
• Donate lots of time, money, and effort to charity organizations instead of making more music I can listen to.
• Song "Yellow" actually about a bad case of jaundice.
• Occasionally get sunburn from own stage lighting, due to pasty white Brit-skin.
• Probably really terrible at sports.
• Always trying to fix you.
• No one can pronounce Mylo Xyloto.

Taste the Rainbow

  

The food pyramid is no more. It's gone. I had no idea. Was it even sick? I would have sent flowers had I known. Poor food Egyptians. Anyway, the food pyramid is no longer the go-to reference for youngsters looking to make healthy food choices. (All one of them.) Its replacement? MyPlate. Instead of the tried and true triangle diagram, it's a circle with different sized wedges. Whatevs. I guess that's fine. No big deal, right? WRONG.

You see, it's not just the shape that's changed. My mom, who teaches 2nd grade and has to share the new MyPlate with her students, tells me that the biggest change is the focus on color. In an effort to simplify things for the kiddies, children are now told to simply try to make their plates colorful. A healthy plate is one with lots of different colors.

Now, I know what they're getting at. Most veggies are green. Grains are brown and white. Dairy is yellow or white. Fruits are red, orange, purple, blue. Meat is red or brown. You could construct a pretty healthy meal by going with the color idea. But if I'm a kid and I know I'm supposed to fill my plate with different colors, here's what my diet would look like:

Dinner is served?

BREAKFAST: Jolly Ranchers

LUNCH: Rainbow Sherbet w/ Sprinkles

DINNER: Fun Dip

And remember, these are kids. Kids put all kinds of things in their mouths. I could easily see MyPlate backfire into this diet:

BREAKFAST: Crayons

LUNCH: Glitter

DINNER: An Eric Carle book

Maybe I don't give kids enough credit, but I don't think the whole color thing is a good idea. And what if the kid's colorblind? Can you say eating disorder? I say bring back the pyramid. And while we're bringing back things from my youth, how bout Legends of the Hidden Temple? Now there's something that promotes healthy living. Challenging physical activities, brain-stimulating quizzes, teamwork, blue barracudas... the show had it all. Surely there's room on TV for a show with that much to offer. Do we really need another "cycle" of America's Next Top Model? Haven't we had enough trips down Project Runway? Would anyone miss the Lifetime channel?

Not To Be Cynical...

On the frontpage of ESPN.com, there's a story about a Texas commit who has "great stats and even better character." The tagline says something about his relationship with a young girl who has leukemia. (Wow, I spelled that right on the first try.) Anyway, it says he visits her in the hospital regularly and what not and that's nice and I'm sure he's a standup guy and all, but here's the picture of the sickly little girl:

I think a lot of guys probably showed up at the hospital for her.

It's not that it's not nice, it's just that the way the story began made me expect a much, much younger girl. Good for him though and best of luck to the redhead.

Strengths and Weaknesses: Christopher Columbus

In honor of my 4th favorite explorer's eponymous holiday, I'm introducing a new segment called Strengths & Weaknesses, where I'll assess someone's, um, strengths and weaknesses. Maybe the name needs some work.

CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS

STRENGTHS

• Made 1492 way the best year of the 1400s.
• Has his own holiday. Suck it, Magellan.
• Made it across ocean without GPS.
• Reincarnated as famous director.
• Italian, but not the fist-pumping kind.
• Would probably have won gold medal for long-distance sailing if such a thing existed.
• First and last name start with same letter, so twice as likely to have been a superhero.
• Sturdy sea legs, including ridiculously well-defined sea calves.

WEAKNESSES

• Always thought the term was "circlonavigate."
• Mistook Bahamas for Indies... and his girlfriend for not a whore.
• Little known 4th ship, The Columbinator, sank on 2nd day of voyage.
• Lost race to be "1st to discover New World" to the indigenous people of New World.
• Forgot to pack sun-tan lotion.
• Kinda destroyed an entire civilization.
• Never could remember which side was starboard.
• Is dead.

And The Winner Is... Everyone: Part 3

Everybody likes movies, but not everybody likes the same kind of movie. Some folks enjoy critically acclaimed films while others prefer a special effects driven flick. Sadly, it seems like Hollywood rarely puts out a movie that satisfies both crowds. That's why we here at The Kids Are Aight are working hard to petition Hollywood for the following remakes and mash-ups that will help bring the two crowds together.

Snow White and the Se7en Dwarfs - One of Disney's darker animated features, the film centers around an innocent young maiden who must overcome the infamous seven deadly dwarfs: Greed, Gluttony, Envy, Sloth, Pride, Lust, and Doc.


Never Say Neverending Story - Bieber Fever makes its way to Fantasia as Justin teams up with Atreyu to fight against the evil Nothing. With nothing but their courage and their hoodies, the two crushworthy teens embark on a perilous adventure to try to save the world... 2.0.

127 Rush Hours - The 127th installment in the Rush Hour series might not be as far off as you think as Jackie Chan and Chris Tucker's careers outside of Rush Hour are stuck worse than James Franco's character's arm in 127 Hours.


Breaking Red Dawn -  Bella... dead. Edward... dead. Jacob... dead. Thanks Russians. Werewolverines!


Hangover the River Kwai - After a night of debauchery in Japan, the Woflpack awake to find themselves inexplicably in the middle of World War II. Sure, it doesn't sound like much of a plot, but there's not really much to the real Hangover movies either.

Rules For Riding In My Car

Car, girls, and flags pictured may or may not actually be mine

1. No smoking.

2. If you're a hot girl, disregard Rule #1. Do whatever you want.

3. If Hey Ya is on, don't change the station.

4. Don't open the glove compartment. Everything will fall out.

5. Don't put your feet on the dashboard.

6. If you're a hot girl, disregard Rule #5. Do whatever you want.

7. Always wear a seat belt.

8. Never wear socks with sandals.

9. No country music.

10. You can eat, but make sure the food gets in your mouth. Also, if you're eating fries, every fifth one goes to me.

11. If they're Checkers fries, every third one goes to me.

12. If you're a hot girl, Rule #11 still applies. You can't possibly think you can just do whatever you want.

13. If we stop at a gas station, you're not obligated to buy me anything from inside, but I sure do like watermelon Slush Puppies.

14. Don't scream if I'm about to hit an animal unless it's a cat or a dog or something that could mess up my car. I don't want to swerve and kill myself over a chipmunk.

15. Don't scream if I'm about to hit a Justin Bieber. I don't want to swerve and kill myself over a Justin Bieber.

16. Black people have to ride in the back.

17. Totally kidding.

18. Don't throw trash out the window. The wind could catch it and it could fly back in and hit a black person sitting in the back.

19. Totally kidding again. Not about the trash. Don't litter.

20. No Nickelback.

21. Don't break up with your boyfriend while I'm driving you to his house. (This actually happened once.)

22. If you're a hot girl, disregard Rule #21.

23. On road trips, check to make sure I'm paying attention. I'll drive 100 miles in the wrong direction without noticing.

24. Seriously, I was 100% kidding about Rule #16.

25. Seriously, I was 100% not kidding about Rule #20.