Monday, October 10, 2011

Strengths and Weaknesses: Christopher Columbus

In honor of my 4th favorite explorer's eponymous holiday, I'm introducing a new segment called Strengths & Weaknesses, where I'll assess someone's, um, strengths and weaknesses. Maybe the name needs some work.

CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS

STRENGTHS
  • Made 1492 way the best year of the 1400s.
  • Has his own holiday. Suck it, Magellan.
  • Made it across ocean without GPS.
  • Reincarnated as famous director.
  • Italian, but not the fist-pumping kind.
  • Would probably have won gold medal for long-distance sailing if such a thing existed.
  • First and last name start with same letter, so twice as likely to have been a superhero.
  • Sturdy sea legs, including ridiculously well-defined sea calves.

WEAKNESSES
  • Always thought the term was "circlonavigate."
  • Mistook Bahamas for Indies... and his girlfriend for not a whore.
  • Little known 4th ship, The Columbinator, sank on 2nd day of voyage.
  • Lost race to be "1st to discover New World" to the indigenous people of New World.
  • Forgot to pack sun-tan lotion.
  • Kinda destroyed an entire civilization.
  • Never could remember which side was starboard.
  • Is dead.