Rules For Riding In My Car

Car, girls, and flags pictured may or may not actually be mine

1. No smoking.

2. If you're a hot girl, disregard Rule #1. Do whatever you want.

3. If Hey Ya is on, don't change the station.

4. Don't open the glove compartment. Everything will fall out.

5. Don't put your feet on the dashboard.

6. If you're a hot girl, disregard Rule #5. Do whatever you want.

7. Always wear a seat belt.

8. Never wear socks with sandals.

9. No country music.

10. You can eat, but make sure the food gets in your mouth. Also, if you're eating fries, every fifth one goes to me.

11. If they're Checkers fries, every third one goes to me.

12. If you're a hot girl, Rule #11 still applies. You can't possibly think you can just do whatever you want.

13. If we stop at a gas station, you're not obligated to buy me anything from inside, but I sure do like watermelon Slush Puppies.

14. Don't scream if I'm about to hit an animal unless it's a cat or a dog or something that could mess up my car. I don't want to swerve and kill myself over a chipmunk.

15. Don't scream if I'm about to hit a Justin Bieber. I don't want to swerve and kill myself over a Justin Bieber.

16. Black people have to ride in the back.

17. Totally kidding.

18. Don't throw trash out the window. The wind could catch it and it could fly back in and hit a black person sitting in the back.

19. Totally kidding again. Not about the trash. Don't litter.

20. No Nickelback.

21. Don't break up with your boyfriend while I'm driving you to his house. (This actually happened once.)

22. If you're a hot girl, disregard Rule #21.

23. On road trips, check to make sure I'm paying attention. I'll drive 100 miles in the wrong direction without noticing.

24. Seriously, I was 100% kidding about Rule #16.

25. Seriously, I was 100% not kidding about Rule #20.