Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Strengths and Weaknesses: Coldplay

With Coldplay set to release their 5th studio album, Mylo Xyloto, next week, it's a good time to take a look at some of the band's strengths and weaknesses.


COLDPLAY

STRENGTHS
  • More Grammys than Barack Obama.
  • Have drawn comparisons to the Beatles, the most famous band in the world... besides Coldplay.
  • All band members have British accents, just in case being rock stars isn't a good enough way to get girls.
  • If you play their 2nd album "A Rush of Blood to the Head" and the movie "Love Actually" at the same time, it syncs up perfectly.
  • New album will go platinum even if recorded on a Yak Bak.
  • Appeal to fans of rock, pop, alternative... pretty much every genre except country... and let's face it, country music fans don't deserve to listen to Coldplay.
  • They don't panic.
  • Got music critics to shut up about Radiohead for five minutes.

WEAKNESSES
  • Only 1 of 4 band members married to Gwyneth Paltrow.
  • Afraid to tell world Coldplay is actually 2 words.
  • Donate lots of time, money, and effort to charity organizations instead of making more music I can listen to.
  • Song "Yellow" actually about a bad case of jaundice.
  • Occasionally get sunburn from own stage lighting, due to pasty white Brit-skin.
  • Probably really terrible at sports.
  • Always trying to fix you.
  • No one can pronounce Mylo Xyloto.