Friday, May 4, 2012

FoW MTR: May 4

By David Hammock, Stephan Rabbitt, & T.S. Oldman

Hick Movie

Hammock: I love Chloe Moretz. I think she's a great young actress and Hit-Girl is a personal hero of mine. However, this trailer made me cringe. Sure, the cringe was partly brought on by Blake Lively's horrific accent, but mostly it was due to Moretz's portrayal of an unabashed Lolita. What is she, 14? She's been playing foul-mouthed and precocious for a few years now, but none of her other roles were disturbing like this. Even worse, look closely at the credits and you'll notice that her parents are co-producers of the film. This make the Moretzes the first set of parents in the world to think, "Our little girl isn't growing up fast enough."

 Acting wise: Chloe never disappoints. From 500 Days of Summer to Kick-Ass to Hugo, kid is nothing but talented. She has made a mockery of the achievements of my first fifteen years of life and shows no signs of letting me gain ground anytime soon. Although, I checked her wiki and there was no mention of Math Olympic champion so we may have that on her, David. I'm with you all the way on this one. I'm sure she will be just as great as she always is... but that was just uncomfortable to watch. Maybe not Womb-uncomfortable. But uncomfortable, nonetheless. Nice catch on the co-producers, by the way. Additional freeze-framing indicates that she may want to do a slightly more thorough pros and cons list prior to embarking on such adventures.

Piranha 3DD


Rabbitt: Katrina Bowden, my love. You have to read the script before signing on to do these things. So, the piranhas are in the water park? No big deal, go to American Adventures instead. The piranhas are in the pond? Okay, get out of the pond. The piranhas are in the bathtub? Not cool. The piranhas are in 3DD?! Who wants to pay $10 to sit in a theater and have giant, mutant piranhas flying at them in 3DD? I'm not feeling great about the outcome of this one. It appears the only defenses are Ving Rhames' leg and Gary Busey's appetite. But don’t worry though; the lifeguards are lifeguard-certified strippers. Anyone up for a lap pool dance?

: I'm not 100% sure Katrina Bowden can read, Stephan. This theory stems from this photograph of her sporting the foam finger of a university with a propensity for illiteracy. While you ponder what's wrong with me for focusing on the foam finger in that picture, I'll ponder why anyone would want to see this motion picture. Maybe it's because some moviegoers possess an ability that I do not: the ability to ignore stupidity and just enjoy the aesthetics. The picture of Miss Bowden is proof that this is not always a bad thing.

The Dark Knight Rises

Hammock: Here it is. The release of the highly anticipated third and final film in Christopher Nolan's Batman trilogy is finally near. The third trailer is pretty fun to watch as we get a good look at some of the new characters and gadgets, but I can't help but wonder if The Dark Knight Rises will live up to the hype. The Dark Knight (the second Batman film) is the rare sequel that surpasses its predecessor and I don't think I'm being pessimistic to think that it probably won't happen again. While I don't think we have a Spider-Man scenario on our hands, where the first two movies were great and the last one was pretty bad, I'm worried The Dark Knight Rises is doomed to disappoint a little due to impossibly high standards. Of course, this didn't stop The Return of the King. While I'm excited for the film, I'll try to temper my expectations, though I don't see how it can be less-than-great with Nolan at the helm.
Rabbitt: The epic conclusion. This trailer feels epic, doesn't it? I should take a page out of David's book and not get my hopes up too high for this one, but I can't. I'm so excited that I just can't hide it. Jessie Spano, anyone? Poor Jessie. Anyway, on top of Batman's new toys, we get an extended look at our main newcomers Anne Hathaway and JGL. On the bright side, JGL looks decidedly less shiny than when we last saw him in the trailer for Looper, as David pointed out. However, it looks like Batman and Gotham are in heaps of trouble. Planes are being hijacked, dangerous criminals are on the loose, bridges are crumbling and, most importantly, no one in this wretched excuse for a football league seems to be able to tackle Hines Ward. Is this city even worth defending if that is the best football they have to offer? Maybe Batman should relocate to the south.

This Is 40

RabbittTSSorry Stephan, I’m jumping in on this one. You’re too nice of a guy (unless Channing Tatum is involved) and I can’t sit idly by while no one at FoW pours out enough vitriol on this trailer. I’m not joking when I say this is the most depressing trailer I've ever seen. The Schindler’s List trailer is more hopeful. The painstakingly obvious attempt at irony  by using “We Are Young” by fun., only makes me angry (I hate fun.). Were people clamoring for this? Did people really want to watch another two hours of the most depressing married couple ever captured on film? Seriously, Paul Rudd and Leslie Mann were detestable inKnocked Up.  Combined with What to Expect When You’re ExpectingThis is 40 has pretty much let me know that life ends at the big 4-0. Maybe instead of wasting their time drafting anti “gay marriage” legislation, legislators should just make watching this movie mandatory and no one will ever want to get married to anyone, ever.

Hammock: Didn't Judd Apatow already show us what happens when you turn 40? 
You lose your virginity, right? Guess this is a different 40. So this is a "sort of" sequel to Knocked Up, which I thought was pretty good, but it centers around Paul Rudd and Leslie Mann instead of Seth Rogen and Katherine Heigl. As T.S. will gladly tell you, these aren't necessarily the most likable characters in the Apatow universe, so I'm not sure I want to go down this road. Maybe we can check in with Steve Carell, the now 50-year-old virgin, instead? I'm hoping the two little girls aren't too old to still be cute, because they were one of my favorite parts of the last movie. Ultimately, I'm torn on this one; I generally like Apatow films, but I can only take so much genitalia in a two-hour period. See Stephan, I told you I'd be the first one to mention genitalia on the MTR!

David Hammock and Stephan Rabbitt have applied to help tutor Katrina Bowden in spelling and arithmetic. TS Oldman is still thirteen long years away from the end of life as Judd Apatow portrays it. You can follow them on Twitter 
@david_hammock@itsrabbitt, & @TSOldman.