Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Ugly Baby Protocol

"What an ugly baby."

How often do you hear those words? Almost never. But let's face it, some babies look like they would have benefited from a longer stay in the oven. So why do people usually refrain from telling a parent that their child looks like it got a full scholarship to attend Ugly University where it'll major in Hideous? Because it's mean. The baby can't help that it fell from the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down, then got stuck on the bottom branch where it was repeatedly beaten by some attractive children who mistook it for some kind of grotesque pinata. That's why people don't say mean things about babies... cuz they can't help it. Seems to me like maybe this Ugly Baby Protocol should be applied to people of all ages. Words can hurt (especially the word "sword"), so why say mean things to anyone about things they can't help? It's like Thumper's step-mom says (yes, it's actually his step-mom... the Blu-ray edition of Bambi has some in-depth bonus features, one of which details Thumper's ancestry) "if you can't say something nice, don't say nothing at all."

This all kinda reminds me of a joke by Demetri Martin:
"There’s a saying that goes: “People who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones.” Okay. How about “Nobody should throw stones”? That’s crappy behavior. My policy is: “No stone throwing regardless of housing situation.” Don’t do it. There is one exception though: If you’re trapped in a glass house, and you have a stone…then throw it! What are you, an idiot? So maybe it’s “Only people in glass houses should throw stones, provided they are trapped…in the house with a stone.” It’s a little longer, but yeah."