Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Most Beautiful


A few months ago, People Magazine named Gwyneth Paltrow the most beautiful woman in the world. I didn't know publications could just do that. You know, technically this blog is a publication. Can I make hegemonic, wide-sweeping declarations too? I declare I can. Here are some declarations from The Kids Are Aight:

  • Girls Scout Cookies are now a food group. They replaced dairy on the food pyramid. Sorry rest of the world, I know you'll miss your milk, but I'm lactose intolerant. Recommended servings are two Tagalongs, three Samoas, and a good turn daily.
  • Ke$ha is now Kesha. No more dollar sign for you -- we're in the middle of a recession.
  • No more obscure U.S. capitals. Sorry Albany, Sacramento, and Austin; you've been replaced by New York City, Los Angeles, and Dallas. You're welcome 4th grade Geography students.
  • The designated hitter is no more. Sorry American League, now you're gonna have to play real baseball.
  • No more paying for vowels on Wheel of Fortune -- they're free -- we're in the middle of a recession.
  • No new Adam Sandler movies. Sorry Adam -- maybe I'll let you make Billy Madison 2 if you promise to be funny again.
  • Gas is $1.00. Not sorry, OPEC.

Sadly, this blog is not People Magazine. I lack whatever power they possess that turns subjectivity into objectivity. I actually don't mind the whole People's Most Beautiful thing, but I do have one inquiry: why does the "Most Beautful Woman" change every year? Last year it was Beyonce. I could understand the switch to Gwyneth Paltrow this year if Beyonce had died or become horribly disfigured or something, but she looks pretty much the same. How did Gwyneth pass Beyonce in the rankings? Did Coldplay get better critical reviews than Jay-Z last year? Did Shakespeare in Love's Academy Award get shinier? Is Beyonce's body too bootylicious for ya, babe People Magazine? Whatever their methods, they're still better than the BCS -- talk about meaningless titles and subjectivity.