A few months ago, People Magazine named Gwyneth Paltrow the most beautiful woman in the world. I didn't know publications could just do that. You know, technically this blog is a publication. Can I make hegemonic, wide-sweeping declarations too? I declare I can. Here are some declarations from The Kids Are Aight:
- Girls Scout Cookies are now a food group. They replaced dairy on the food pyramid. Sorry rest of the world, I know you'll miss your milk, but I'm lactose intolerant. Recommended servings are two Tagalongs, three Samoas, and a good turn daily.
- Ke$ha is now Kesha. No more dollar sign for you -- we're in the middle of a recession.
- No more obscure U.S. capitals. Sorry Albany, Sacramento, and Austin; you've been replaced by New York City, Los Angeles, and Dallas. You're welcome 4th grade Geography students.
- The designated hitter is no more. Sorry American League, now you're gonna have to play real baseball.
- No more paying for vowels on Wheel of Fortune -- they're free -- we're in the middle of a recession.
- No new Adam Sandler movies. Sorry Adam -- maybe I'll let you make Billy Madison 2 if you promise to be funny again.
- Gas is $1.00. Not sorry, OPEC.