Hipster Olympics

Mean girls

If there's one thing I learned from watching the first season of HBO's Girls, it's that hipsters are terrible human beings -- well, at least 75% of them. Aside from adorable Shoshonna, the girls of Girls are selfish, pretentious, and void of nearly all redeemable qualities. Alas, maybe that's the point of the show -- that even the trendiest, most self-aware young adults are wanting and lost. Maybe that idea isn't even limited to hipsters -- it could very well be that their style and general pretension are simply easier to mock. Maybe the point of Girls isn't to glorify the hipster subculture at all, but to pity it. BUT, just in case I'm completely wrong -- let's make light of it.

Whether it's because of the sight-impairing Raybans, constrictive skinny jeans, or because sports are too popular to be cool, hipsters are some of the most unathletic people on the planet. It's a sad truth, because I think the world of sports could use a thrift store makeover. Regrettably, the world isn't going to see Tom's cleats anytime soon. Unless...

Unless there existed a sport in which hipsters could excel. Nay, not just a single sport -- a collection of sports. What if there were such a thing as the Hipster Olympics?!

Sound cool? Well, I thought it sounded cool before you did.

Hipster Olympic events would include:

• 100m Dash: Just like the regular 100m Dash, except instead of a track, it's on vinyl.

• Arm Wrestling: Competitors are pitted against each other in a classic arm wrestling match according to their weight in instagrams kilograms. All competitors must have at least three tattoos on their forearm, one of which must be in a different language from the others. Any attempt to recreate Sylvester Stallone's signature move from Over the Top will result in disqualification.

• Cycling: A bike race through Williamsburg in which competitors must have one hand on the handlebar and the other on their iPhone (4s only) throughout the race. Fixed gear bikes only.

• Biathlon: The most open-minded of all athlons. It used to be the triathlon, but as we all know, hipsters don't like to tri.

• Soccer: Like regular soccer except that you can touch the ball with your hands as long as you do it ironically. 

• Volleyball: Because it's so accepting of liberos. 

• Decathlon: The ultimate test of hipsterdom. Competitors compete in 10 offbeat events including Excessive Hash-tagging, Mustache-off, PBR chugging, Listen-to-the-Entire-Animal Collective-Discography-A-Thon, Zooey Deschanel Spelling Bee, Wet Ironic T-Shirt Contest, Independent Film Festival, Kurt Vonnegut Trivia, Name That Piercing, and Shotput.

Abby Wambach prefers headers to conformist kicked goals