Whether it's because of the sight-impairing Raybans, constrictive skinny jeans, or because sports are too popular to be cool, hipsters are some of the most unathletic people on the planet. It's a sad truth, because I think the world of sports could use a thrift store makeover. Regrettably, the world isn't going to see Tom's cleats anytime soon. Unless...
Unless there existed a sport in which hipsters could excel. Nay, not just a single sport -- a collection of sports. What if there were such a thing as the Hipster Olympics?!
Sound cool? Well, I thought it sounded cool before you did.
Hipster Olympic events would include:
- 100m Dash: Just like the regular 100m Dash, except instead of a track, it's on vinyl.
- Arm Wrestling: Competitors are pitted against each other in a classic arm wrestling match according to their weight in
instagramskilograms. All competitors must have at least three tattoos on their forearm, one of which must be in a different language from the others. Any attempt to recreate Sylvester Stallone's signature move from Over the Top will result in disqualification.
- Cycling: A bike race through Williamsburg in which competitors must have one hand on the handlebar and the other on their iPhone (4s only) throughout the race. Fixed gear bikes only.
- Biathlon: The most open-minded of all athlons. It used to be the triathlon, but as we all know, hipsters don't like to tri.
- Soccer: Like regular soccer except that you can touch the ball with your hands as long as you do it ironically.
- Volleyball: Because it's so accepting of liberos.
- Decathlon: The ultimate test of hipsterdom. Competitors compete in 10 offbeat events including Excessive Hash-tagging, Mustache-off, PBR chugging, Listen-to-the-Entire-Animal Collective-Discography-A-Thon, Zooey Deschanel Spelling Bee, Wet Ironic T-Shirt Contest, Independent Film Festival, Kurt Vonnegut Trivia, Name That Piercing, and Shotput.