Thursday, July 26, 2012

I Have A (Ice)Dream

Hot-button issues that make their way into the realm of Facebook and Twitter are the worst. It doesn't matter what the issue is, whether I feel strongly about it or not, it's the worst. Extremists on both sides regurgitating quips from strangers, constantly trying to outdo each other -- it always just turns into a shouting match.

Gay or straight, Hot Browns are fabulous
The current Chick-fil-a debacle is no different. Chick-fil-a COO, Dan Cathy, has recently come under fire for admitting that his company supports the traditional family, thereby implying that the restaurant's stance on homosexuality is... well, against. You've got your liberal left-wingers screaming intolerance and your conservative right-wingers yelling family values and while I have my opinions on the subject, I mostly just hate both sides for being such jerks about it. I get why the liberals are upset and I understand where the conservatives are coming from, but mostly I just want this all to blow over.

A person's a person, no matter how small
Just as I don't let the political ideologies of my favorite bands affect the way I feel about their music, I couldn't care less about the political ideologies of my favorite fast food chains -- especially restaurants like Chick-fil-a. Chick-fil-a is freaking delicious. Their stores are always clean, their employees are always friendly and competent, and oh my gosh, have you ever tasted Hot Brown? I don't even know what's in a Hot Brown, but I know that if all the people arguing over this anti-gay issue would eat one that the fight would end. Also, Chick-fil-a does a lot of good in the community -- have you seen all the houses they've built for dwarfs?

So, why write this piece if I'm more interested in a side of waffle fries than a side of the argument? Because I think I have a way to resolve this. As everyone knows, the fast food industry is like a big family. McDonald's is the dad, Burger King is the mom, and Wendy's is the red-headed step child. On second thought, maybe Burger King should be the dad and Dairy Queen should be the mom and... you know what? Never mind. Just know that fast food restaurants love each other dearly. That's why, with Chick-fil-a under the gun, it's time for the rest of the family to pitch in to take some of the heat off their brother. How? By taking one for the team -- by being so intolerant that any perceived intolerance on Chick-fil-a's part doesn't seem so bad:

Burger King proudly presents: The Whites-Only Whopper! 

Repeal your hunger along with the 14th Amendment! Purchase one and get a separate but equal Whites-Only Whopper at half price!

McDonald's introduces: The Bigot Mac!

Two all-beef patties (Hindu intolerance), special sauce, lettuce, cheese (lactose intolerance), pickles, onions on a faith-like-a-mustard-seed bun (religious intolerance). Oh, and bacon! (Antisemitism)

Taco Bell announces: Doritos Loco Border Control Tacos!

You won't be able to conquer this huge wall of beef, lettuce, and cheese! All customers must provide proof of citizenship and speak English.

Obviously, this idea wouldn't work. Burger King doesn't have the power to repeal amendments to the United States Constitution and even if they did, it would greatly upset a large number of people who worked hard with another King one half-century ago to guarantee African-Americans the right to eat Whoppers... and, you know, to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. I guess the real purpose of this post (other than to show off my knowledge of the Chick-fil-a menu) is to make light of a situation that is being taken way too seriously -- at least in my opinion. I have a (ice)dream, that one day we will once again live in a nation that simply wants to Eat Mor Chikin.

P.S. - No need to thank me, Chick-fil-a. It was my pleasure.