Shut Up and Play the Hits

It's inevitable. A band puts out a few successful records and it thinks it has the right, nay, the obligation to turn the stage into a political soapbox. I don't mind musicians speaking out about what they believe in, but sometimes it's hard to take certain artists seriously. For instance:

Advocate for social change, popping tags

Macklemore - I saw Macklemore (and Ryan Lewis... poor guy, he gets no cred) at a free show in Atlanta in the spring. He spent a good five minutes lecturing the crowd on marriage equality. That's all good and well, but people don't exactly line up to get political lessons from a dude who raps about zebra jammies, velcro shoes, and R. Kelly's urine. Seems as though Mr. Macklemore had an agenda in his pocket to go along with that $20.

Green Day - The band dedicated an entire album to the Election back in 2004 and have made a habit of political grandstanding throughout their careers. Whether you agree with Billie Joe and Co. or not, you've gotta admit that it's tough to heed political advice from a band named after marijuana with a propensity to name their albums after feces.

Incubus - Back in college, Incubus was one of the biggest rock bands in the world and boy did they hate George W. Bush. They even released a single called Megalomaniac that compared him to Hitler. Now, everyone is entitled to their opinion, but it's difficult to take their criticism of the former president seriously knowing that their band is named after a demon who has intercourse with women in their sleep.

The Dixie Chicks - Regardless of whether or not they're ready to make nice, I can't in good conscience take their political message to heart knowing that they murdered that poor Earl fellow. With black eyed peas nonetheless! I'm still unsure if they actually poisoned a can of black eyed peas or if they killed Earl by making him listen to the band of the same name. Both are lethal.

Toby Keith - It's hard enough to trust a man with two first names, but it's exceptionally difficult to take his uber-patriotic message seriously knowing that he gives beer to his horses. And what's with the entire song dedicated to a red solo cup? That's not very environmentally friendly. (If you're thinking I threw in a Conservative here at the end in an attempt to even things out a little bit... you're right.)

The point I'm trying to make here (in a very roundabout way) is not that we shouldn't trust musicians for political advice (though you shouldn't), but that we as individuals should think about our baggage when we take up a cause. For instance, if I were to take up a cause on Facebook, I need to realize that the same people who read my posts on said cause are also probably going to find the link to this silly blog. Just as I'm prone not to embrace political advice from Macklemore thanks to his song "Thrift Shop," others probably wouldn't take my views seriously because I named the Kool-Aid guy a Black History Month hero. And that's fine. In the same vein, before you change your profile picture to this or this or, Lord help me, rant about Trayvon, it's probably a good idea to make sure you (and everything you post) make you a decent representative for your causes and viewpoints. It's a good thing, even a noble thing, to fight for what you believe in and there are a lot of extremely worthy causes out there, but are we as people (especially young people) so arrogant as to assume that we're doing the cause a favor simply by attaching our name to it? Sometimes the best way to further your cause is to not be a visible part of it.

Black History Month Great Black Person #3 of 28

Black History Month Great Black Person #3 of 28:
The Two Girls Who Used To Be In Destiny's Child

Long before Beyonce, Kelly, and Michelle performed at the Super Bowl Halftime Show, there were two other Destiny's Children who had the club Jumpin' Jumpin'. LaTavia Roberson and LeToya Luckett (pictured in the middle above) were both members of the hit R&B group through the release of their first two albums. Unfortunately, between the second and third albums, LaTavia and LeToya were treated more like Destiny's Stepchildren as they were forced to leave the group after trying to assert themselves as Independent Women. This turned out to be quite the Bug A Boo as the group added Michelle Williams to replace LaTavia and LeToya and Destiny's Child never LaLooked back. No need to feel bad for the ladies though... both LaTavia and LeToya have two Grammys and have enjoyed post-Destiny's Child success in music, TV, film, and modeling. So thank you, forgotten members of Destiny's Child, for all you did with and without Beyonce... it's my pleasure to Say Your Name, Say Your Name today.

Music Video Monday: Passion Pit - "Take A Walk"

After three long years of waiting, we finally have some new Passion Pit! The band's first album, Manners, has been on heavy rotation on all my listening devices since its release in 2009 and judging by the album's first single, "Take A Walk," it's looking like their sophomore album, Gossamer, will continue the trend. Check out the video for "Take A Walk" below:

Either the ball in this video is made out of flubber or the director did about as poorly in Physics class as I did. Nevermind the ball(ocks) though, because this video is pretty cool. I'm a big fan of any video that makes me feel like I'm flying through the sky -- this one capitalizes on that and even takes it a step further by also making me feel like I can jump really high. I'd imagine this is similar to the way NBA players feel on a basketball court -- well, NBA players not named Nowitzki. (If you think that's a white joke, you're racist. It's a German joke. Shame on you.) Anyway, I'm very excited Passion Pit is back and looking forward to the video for the next single, which you can listen to below. I actually like it better than Take A Walk... it's got more of a "Sleepyhead" feel to it.

Music Video (Wednesday): Grouplove - Tongue Tied

This song reminds me a lot of 1979 by The Smashing Pumpkins and as The Smashing Pumpkins is one of my very favorite bands, that's high praise. Yeah, this song has been used in an iTunes commercial and on Glee and I could be a douche and tell you how I've had the album since last fall, but there's no place for Grouphate on this blog -- only Grouplove. Enjoy.

Note #1: Don't try to pull off the skeleton earring like the one Hannah Hooper wears in the video. Pretty sure you have to be in a rock band for that to fly. In fact, it's probably wise to stay away from any kind of cadaver jewelry.

Note #2: This video shows why it's never a good idea to eat brownies at a party... the carbs blur your vision, impair your judgment, and make everything go in reverse. Stick to meats and cheeses.

Music Video Monday: Family Force 5 - Wobble

Music doesn't always have to be important like Pitchfork leads you to believe. Family Force 5 is proof of that. I was a pretty big fan of their debut album Business Up Front/Party in the Back and though I may have outgrown them on some levels, they're still good at making you wanna dance. So here's the latest video from the ATL's own Na Daddy, Chap Stique, Crouton, Fatty, and Soul Glow Activatur (yes, with a U) in all their crunk rock glory:

I'm pretty sure Wobble will never win any awards for songwriting or musical arrangement -- or even "best song about wobbling" -- but you have to respect FF5's enthusiasm and shamelessness. I like the part where the black guy sees all the white people dancing in the elevator and shakes his head in disapproval. That happens to me on the basketball court every time I go up for a lay up instead of dunking (which is always).

Music Video Monday: Best Coast - Our Deal

Chloë Moretz: The umlaut adds five years

Nicki Minaj: Colorful language AND videos

I love Best Coast. I'm a sucker for good female rock vocals and I dig the lazy 60s lo-fi beach vibe, so I don't need a great video to supplement my Best Coast listening experience. I got one anyway. The video (below) for Our Deal is a ten-minute-long mini-movie in the tradition of West Side Story and The Outsiders, complete with a medley of Best Coast tunes and a bevy of young celebrities. Gotta love having Hit-Girl, Teen Wolf,  Maebe Funke, Childish Gambino, iCarly, and Shailene Woodley all in the same video -- especially when they're all decked out in retro-chic, gang-emblazoned jean jackets. Sure, it's a little disconcerting that then 14-year-old Chloë Moretz is in both a gang and an adult relationship, but growing up fast is kind of her thing. Anyway, if you've got ten minutes to spare and like good music and good acting, give this video a shot. If you don't like good music or good acting, but are easily entertained by bright colors, maybe Nicki Minaj's Starships video is for you. Oh Nicki Nick, you are one strange, scary Trinidadian-American woman. 

If you like what you heard, Best Coast's new album The Only Place came out last week. If you're planning on buying it at your local record store, tell them David from TKAA sent you for a 0% discount.

Music Video Monday: Fun., Snoop Dogg & Wiz Khalifa

The week's installment of Music Video Monday features a song that's very high on the charts and another that's just very high:

Fun. - We Are Young

While it's unclear exactly what sent the nightclub into a frenzy in this video (my money is on the lead singer's poor choice in shoes), one thing is very apparent: slow motion is cool. Slow motion can make even the most boring video (see: Fun. - We Are Young) bearable. I guess when dealing with such a ubiquitous (SAT word alert!) song, a bearable video is all you need. We Are Young is one of those tunes you feel like you've heard before, even during the first listen. It's like the chorus was ingrained into your brain way back when and Fun. just happened to be able to market it. Sidebar: the name of the band is Fun.. That's F-U-N-Period. The period is part of the name. This is extremely annoying when trying to deal with grammar and punctuation. Not very Fun. at all. Anyway, what we have here is an okay video for a pretty decent song. That makes two respectable songs in a row to reach #1 on the charts. Enjoy them while you can before Top 40 radio runs them so far into the ground you'll need a shovel to dig them up hit the radio DJs with.

Snoop Dogg & Wiz Khalifa - Young, Wild, and Free

Suck it Fun.... Snoop and Wiz see your young and raise you wild and free! But please, somebody get these two a sandwich or something. For guys who love weed, they sure don't look like they ever get the munchies. I guess they're too busy to eat. I mean, coming up with genius ideas like naming the high school in the video "N. Hale High" doesn't leave much time for lunch. These two don't care about lunch though, they're living young, wild, and free... well, sorta. Snoop Dogg is 40 years old, so he mostly lives just wild and free and Wiz Khalifa just got busted for drug possession, so he's just living young and wild these days. Still, it's a pretty good video if you really, really, really, really, really like watching other people smoke pot.

Strengths and Weaknesses: Madonna

It's been 33 years since Madonna first arrived on the scene, but she's still making headlines. She's got a new album (MDNA), a new perfume, a world tour, a public divorce, and even a controversial photo up for sale. Let's take a look at what makes the Material Girl so fixating in this installment of Strengths and Weaknesses.

Madonna

STRENGTHS

• Her music makes the people come together... yeah
• Seamlessly switches between American and British accents
• Won a Golden Globe for Evita, which is almost a cool as winning a real award
• Looks pretty good to be 400 years old
• Member of every religion
• Good at divorce
• Actually looked classy at Super Bowl halftime show surrounded by Nicki Minaj, M.I.A., and LMFAO
• Voted "Greatest Woman in Rock History" by, oh by VH1. Nevermind

WEAKNESSES

• Not at all like a virgin
• Materialistic
• Uses dance floor as a confessional, which is not approved by the Catholic church
• Couldn't even beat out the Beatles on Billboard's "Greatest Artists of All-Time" list
• Omitted like half the letters on her newest album
• Cone boobs are by far the most dangerous kind of boobs
• Always telling Argentinians not to cry for her, but doesn't have $#!% to say to the fine people of Uruguay
• Has kissed Britney Spears and thus, by proxy, has kissed Kevin Federline

Adultz Bop

"They're adults. They're allowed to have fun whenever they want. We're kids, we're supposed to work." 

- George Michael Bluth 

21 albums and counting...

Sigh, if only that were true. It'd be nice to have the roles reversed every once in a while. Kids don't know how good they have it. They don't have to worry about work or bills or adult-onset diabetes... that's the life. Kids get to play all day, eat whatever they want, watch Nickelodeon without having to lie about it, and best of all, they get to listen to Kidz Bop. What's Kidz Bop? 

Kidz Bop is a brand of compilation albums featuring child session musicians performing contemporary music. The albums are composed of "kid-friendly" versions of the latest songs on Top 40 radio and are sung by young children. 

Kidz Bop is just the best. It takes pop music, waters it down (more than it already is), then lets kids sing the vocals! How has a Kidz Bop album never won a Grammy? Oh yeah, Grammys are only for people named Adele.

Sorry Little Jimmy, Adultz Bop is for adultz only

Obviously, I'm joking. Kidz Bop is the one of the very worst ideas of the 21st century. (Right up there with Zune.) BUT, with kids already having it as good as they do and dabbling in our grown-up muzak, I feel like we should return the favor. That's right, kiddies... it's time for Adultz Bop. Don't look now, but we're taking all your sing-a-longs, nursery rhymes, and Disney tunes, adultifying them and having a party. And sorry children, much like Facebook circa 2005, it's for adults only.

Check out some of the tracks!:

The Wheels on the Bus - Metallica

Mary (J. Blige) Had A Little Lamb - Mary J. Blige 

Dem Bones - The Shins

Eensy Weensy Spider - System of A Down

London Bridges - Fergie (duh)

The Ants Go Marching - Dave Matthews Band (also duh)

Down By the Bay - Otis Redding... 's equally talented and very much alive son

Hole in the Bottom of the Sea - Hole

100 Bottles of Beer - Amy Winehouse (too soon?)

The Song That Never Ends - Rush

AND MORE!

Take that, you youths you!

Rap Academy: T.I. Edition

Fact: Rappers are the poets of our generation. The names Mathers, Wayne, and West will someday be interchangeable with Frost, Keats, and Emerson. Sadly, like many poets of the past, some rappers won't truly be appreciated until after their death (probably gang-related) because their lyrics are too far ahead of their time. The layman just isn't willing to spend the time deciphering and analyzing these urban geniuses' rhymes to discover the beauty and insight within. Lucky for you, I am willing. Thanks to my liberal arts degree and my hoodrat upbringing, I possess both the skill and the desire to translate these modern classics into something that's a little easier for the common man to understand.


First up, T.I.'s transcendent What You Know. I'll give you snippets of the lyrics, followed by my translation:

Aye...
don’t you know I got
key by the three when I chirp shawty chirp back
Louis nap sack
where I holding all the work at
What you know about that?
What you know about that?
What you know about that?
I know all about that
Loaded 44s on the low where the cheese at
Fresh off the jet to the Jects where the G's at
What you know about that?
What you know about that?
What you know about that?
Hey I know all about that


T.I. begins his masterpiece by establishing his street credentials. He has three kilograms of cocaine because he is an expert at selling drugs. He then seamlessly transitions into his personal life; when he calls (chirps) a girl (shawty), they call him back, because he's T.I. and all ladies admire him. He then deftly reminds us of the large amount of cocaine in his possession and that, get this, he is carrying it in a designer Louis Vuitton bag. T.I. repeats three lines in this, the chorus, welcoming any and all haters to compare gangster resumes with him. The question is clearly rhetorical, as T.I. already knows that none of his opponents can compete with his hoodrat credentials. For emphasis, he then explains that he has a gun and knows how to use it and that furthermore, he can transition from a rich lifestyle (jet) to a poor lifestyle ('jects) like the one in which he was raised. It is quite clear at this point, that T.I. is a bad, bad man.


See me in ya city sitting pretty know I'm shining dawg
Riding with a couple Latin brawds and a china doll
And you know how we ball
Aye..
Riding in shiny cars
Aye..
Walk in designer malls
Aye..
Buy everything we saw
You know about me dogg
Don’t talk about me dogg
And if you doubt me dogg
You better out me dogg


Having already made his point, T.I. uses the second verse to show off his technical skills with a difficult A, A, A, Aye, B, Aye, C,  Dogg, Dogg, Dogg, Dogg rhyme scheme. In this verse, he explains once again that he is the best rapper in the industry and also that he is fond of latino and oriental women, who are no doubt fond of him as well. He drives the best cars and shops at the finest stores, where he buys whatever catches his eye. He continues the stellar second verse with another message for his rivals: DO NOT speak ill of T.I. because he will best you in a fisticuffs. DO NOT doubt it either. If you MUST try, it is quite imperative that you take him out of the equation, otherwise T.I. will add you to his list of fallen adversaries.


I'm throwed off slightly bro
Don’t wanna fight me bro
I'm fast as lightning bro ya better use ya Nike’s bro
Know you don’t like me cause
Yo bitch most likely does
She see me on them dubs
In front of every club
I be on dro I’m buzzed
Give every ho a hug
Niggaz don’t show me mugs
Cause you don’t know me cause


The verse continues by relating that even though T.I. may be slightly inebriated, he is still an unflappable foe. He uses the simile "fast as lightning" to depict that he is indeed an adept athlete and that running away is really the only sure way to keep your life intact. T.I. then gives us some background information on why his opposition dislikes him. It is because the hater's lover prefers T.I. over the hater. It hearkened back to the first time she saw him in his fancy car in front of a series of clubs. She was rather impressed with T.I.'s behavior, including his intoxication due to marijuana and his ability to attract other women. T.I. masterfully concludes the verse by restating that it is impossible to understand his inner-workings


Candy on the '64
Leather guts and fish bowl
50 on the pinky ring just to make my fist glow
Ya bitches get low
Because I get dough
So what? I'm rich ho
I still pull a kick-do'


After another resounding chorus, T.I. takes it upon himself to describe his beloved car, a 1964 Chevrolet with a fine leather interior. His car doubles as a place where he and his friends can enjoy marijuana. Oh, T.I.! He also mentions that he spent $50,000 on a pinky ring to signify that money is of no object to him. Women seem to particularly like this. Also, even though T.I. is extraordinarily wealthy, he is not afraid to perform dangerous, illegal acts.


What you talking sh*t fo’?
gotta run and hit fo’?
Got you a yelling and I thought you put out a gun hit fo
But you’s a scary dude
Believed by very few
Just keep it very cool
Or we will bury you
See all that attitude’s, unnecessary dude
You never carry tools not even square, he cube
You got these people fooled, who see you on the tube
Whatever try the crew, they’ll see you on the news


T.I. now calls into question the credibility of his naysayers. He states that though his enemy may think himself formidable, he is not feared by anyone, the least of which T.I. himself. T.I. goes on to suggest to his detractors that they should refrain from attacking his pristine reputation as a gangster and instead shine the light of scrutiny upon themselves. Failure to do so could very well end up in their demise.


Fresh off the jet to the block
Burn a rubber with the top popped
My partner bustin' shots, I tell em' stop, he'll make the block hot
Ya label got got
Cause you are not hot
I got the top spot
And it will not stop
A video or not that will bust it to the glock stop
Drag ya out that Bentley Coupe and take it to the chop shop


T.I. begins the last verse with the dichotomous scene of transferring from his private jet to his convertible and driving fast through the ghetto, once again displaying that T.I. has not lost touch with his roots. Ever the pragmatist, he then warns his friend not to commit any unnecessary crimes while in the projects, lest the police get involved. He then transitions to explaining to his rapping enemy that he feels contrition toward his enemy's record label because he is indeed such a poor rapper that the label failed to get the returned value, both monetary and critical, that they had hoped. Also, for good measure, T.I. deems it necessary to tell him that he will unload an entire gun clip into the rapper and strip his car for parts.


Partner, we got ya'll
If it may pop off
I’ll answer the question “Will I get ya block knocked off?”
And what it is bro
Look I will kill bro
I’m in your hood, if you a gangsta what you hid for?
Somebody better get bro for he get sent for
You say you wanna squash it what you still talking sh*t for?


The last 8 lines of T.I.'s masterpiece continue to focus on his haters. He delineates once again that he is superior in every way to his enemies, especially in a physical manner. In fact, T.I. feels he could take out this particular man's entire neighborhood single-handedly. Given this fact, T.I. ponders as to why this rapper would choose to continue to say derogatory things about him. The foe is obviously not as good at rapping, fighting, or being a gangster as is T.I.. The final line of What You Know poses the obvious question: given all the ways in which T.I. is superior to all of his detractors, why do they continue to communicate their feelings about T.I. in such a negative and hurtful way?

Oh, Inverted World: My Decade with Wes Anderson and the Shins

You gotta read this post... it'll change your life.

This time ten years ago, I was a senior in high school. Sadly, my favorite bands were probably Green Day and Linkin Park and my favorite movie was, sigh, Monty Python and the Holy Grail. A year later, that all changed. It happened a little like in the movie Garden State. No, I wasn't encouraged to listen to the Shins by Natalie Portman at a doctor's office, but the Shins were indeed brought up in conversation by a cute girl I sat next to in PSYCH 1101 my freshman year at Georgia Tech. At the time, I had never heard of the band. I simply nodded in agreement as she lauded the Shins debut album. Somewhat curious and eager to impress the girl, I made a note to give the album (Oh, Inverted World) a listen. That afternoon, I heard Caring Is Creepy, New Slang, and the rest of the record for the first time and entered the fantastic world of indie rock.

I became an indie sponge. A hipster-in-training. Out went System Of a Down and Staind and in came Wilco and Death Cab For Cutie. I read up on bands and started going to shows. I think I downloaded every album Pitchfork recommended that year. The Shins had completely changed my taste in music.

Soon, the thirst for better music became a thirst for better movies. I got into Quentin Tarantino and Guy Ritchie and spent hours trying to figure out the meanings of Donnie Darko, Magnolia, and Mulholland Drive. No film, however, had as big an impact on me as Wes Anderson's Rushmore. There was and is something about that movie that stuck with me. Whether it's the witty dialogue, the detailed direction, the terrific soundtrack, or simply the story of young, unrequited love, Rushmore moved me then and still moves me today. It is and probably always will be my favorite movie.

So why this nostalgic David Hammock decade in review? It just so happens that both of the aforementioned major cultural influences released previews of new projects this past week. Below you will find Simple Song, the first single from the Shins' new album Port of Morrow, as well as the trailer for Moonrise Kingdom, Wes Anderson's latest effort. Though a decade has passed since I first fell in love with these two artists, I still get excited every time they put out something new. The new album and movie may never be as poignant or as life-altering as their work was to me years ago, and maybe I don't want it to be, but maybe it's the launching point for another college freshman's path to creative discovery... or maybe they'll change my life again... I hear Shins songs can do that.

Sic Transit Gloria,

David Hammock


Simple Song by The Shins

Odds and Ends

Vegetarian

Whenever I hear that someone's a vegetarian, I automatically feel bad for them. I picture them eating celery and lettuce all day every day. I bet that's not the case though. I bet vegetarians eat a ton of candy. I bet it's like, "I can't have a hamburger for dinner, sooooo I'll just have 18 bags of skittles instead!" I bet all the characters from Candyland are vegetarians.

Tolerant advice-giver

There's a commercial sponsored by the NBA, starring NBA players, that urges viewers not to use the word "gay" in a negative light. The commercial shows kids playing basketball and trash-talking, with the first three lines going something like, "the last time you blocked somebody was online" or something dumb like that. Then the fourth line says something like, "your moves are gay," then the NBA players step in and scold the gay comment. I'm fine with trying to get people to not use gay in that way. It probably is hurtful to some people. What I'm not fine with is the NBA telling me not to say it. Really? The NBA? Where the players can't go five minutes without swearing, fighting, and getting arrested? Where the season started a month late because its members are all greedy? THAT NBA is telling me what to say? Right. I'll refrain from calling things gay because it can hurt feelings, not because of your ridiculously lame, hypocritical commercial. Quit calling others out and call some travelling.

Is that you, Ev?

I'm 90% sure the waitress at the Village Cafe in Clayton is Ev from the Real World. To be certain, next time I go, I'm not gonna be polite and see if she starts getting real.

Totally deserves it.

How did the hand-dryer come about? Was the inventor like: "Ugh, these paper towels are getting my hands way too dry. I just gotta invent something that leaves them inconveniently wet so my hands are all drippy like they're meant to be."? I guess they're more eco-friendly, but I'm willing to kill some trees for dry hands. Forests are overrated. And we only have to kill the bad trees, like the one that eats Charlie Brown's kite or the evil one from Lord of the Rings or maybe the Whomping Willow if need be.

Toast on drums

How come rappers hardly ever form bands? It's always like T.I. featuring Drake/Lil Wayne/Snoop Dogg/Kid Cudi/Vanilla Ice/Rick Ross/Young Jeezy/50 Cent/The Game. Just form a band. It's like breakfast. They call it breakfast, not Pancakes featuring Eggs/Bacon/Toast/Grits/Applesauce/Milk.

The key to a woman's heart

I think if I could somehow combine Pinterest, the Bachelor, and Ryan Gosling, I could control 95% of the women of the world.

TKAA's 2011 Favorites Playlist

One of my favorite stations on XM Radio is Sirius XM U, which is pretty much the indie station. Now as much as I like listening to a station free from Bieber, Gaga, and anything ending in MFAO, the station's tagline irritates me. The slogan goes something like, "Bringing you the most IMPORTANT music, first." Important? What does that even mean? I was unaware of the fact that some music is important than other music. We now interrupt this Band of Horses song to bring you an important message from Fallout Boy. According to lead singer, Patrick Stump, and I quote, "This ain't a scene, it's a [gosh darn] arms race." I repeat, this is NOT a scene, but instead, an arms race. We now send you back to your thoroughly unimportant Band of Horses song."


I love music and I can sometimes be a bit of a snob about it myself, but truth is, music is one of the most subjective things in the world. That's why, at each year's end, I make a "Favorites" mix instead of a "Best Of". I get irritated with music critics and their lists because they can be so pretentious in telling you why certain songs are the best or, ugh, the most important... even if I agree with their choices. Anyway, here are some of my favorite songs from 2011. Some are technical triumphs and some are campy pop songs with a memory attached, but they all remind me of 2011. If you like it, you can download the official TKAA 2011 Playlist on... nowhere.

• Get Away - Yuck
• Midnight City - M83
• Internet Killed the Video Star - Limousines
• Get It Daddy - Sleeper Agent
• Holocene - Bon Iver
• Lorelai - Fleet Foxes
• The King and All of His Men - Wolf Gang
• Super Bass - Nicki Minaj
• Video Games - Lana Del Rey
• Dancing Crazy - Miranda Cosgrove
• Candy Girl - Trailer Trash Tracys
• Whirring - The Joy Formidable
• Bizness- tUnE-yArDs
• Marvin's Room - Drake
• Don't Sit Down Cause I've Moved Your Chair - Arctic Monkeys
• 6 Foot 7 Foot - Li'l Wayne
• Sail - AWOLNATION
• Little Talks - Of Monsters and Men
• Rolling in the Deep - Jamie XX and Childish Gambino
• U.F.O. - Coldplay
• Cat Daddy - Rej3ctz
• Born Alone - Wilco
• You Know What I Mean - Cults
• Polish Girl - Neon Indian
• Ice Cream - Battles
• You Are A Tourist - Death Cab For Cutie
• It's Real - Real Estate
• What You Know - Two Door Cinema Club
• Cough Syrup - Young the Giant
  
  
  and the top 3...
  
  

  3. Helena Beat - Foster the People

  
  

  2. Young Blood - The Naked and Famous

  
  

  1. Tongue-Tied - Grouplove

Grown-Up Christmas List

Who wouldn't want one of these?

I hate Christmas music. It's not so much your Silent Night or your White Christmas that I have a problem with though... it's the kitschy stuff. The newer songs like Last Christmas by Wham and Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer by who I can only assume is Satan are the bane of my holiday existence. One offender in particular, Grown-Up Christmas List by Amy Grant, truly makes me cringe. Aside from it
being maudlin and trite, it makes me feel like a bad person. If you're not familiar with the song (lucky you), the now-adult artist lists off her Christmas wishes to Santa, all of which are intangible acts of goodness such as ending wars and hoping that everyone has friends. When I was younger, I thought maybe someday I would want selfless things like these for Christmas. Nope. I still want stuff. I want an iPad and a new car and a pet unicorn. And even if I could break free from my shameful materialism, I just don't see the intangible things I would wish for ever making it into a Christmas song... though I think they would be good for humanity:

I wish for...
Brangelina to lose Fangelinas
Beautiful celebrities are gonna be idolized. It's a sad fact. Now, there's no denying that Mister Pitt and Miss Jolie are an attractive couple, but it seems like they get off scot-free when it comes to their shortcomings. Angelina is a brother-kissing, blood vial-wearing, Billy Bob Thornton-marrying, adulterous lady. Brad cheated on poor Jen and caused all kinds of problems by orchestrating that Project Mayhem. Seems like the public could mindlessly idolize celebrities with a slightly better working moral compass. Someone like Morgan Freeman or Elmo.

End animal cruelty... commercials

It's super effective!

I'm watching a Scrubs rerun, I'm laughing, then cut to commercial and there's a one-legged dog with its eyeball hanging out of its socket. I don't wanna see that. And I don't wanna hear about it from the woman who played Roseanne's sister on Roseanne. Get somebody relevant and attractive. Get Vanessa Hudgens. And show like a puppy with a bandaid on its nose. I don't wanna see the worst beaten dog in the entire world. I'm a cat person anyway. 

Make the Hunger Games a reality
Is there something inherently wrong about pitting 24 children against each other in a fight to the death? Probably. But Suzanne Collins is on to something. 24 innocent children killing each other for the public's amusement may be a little much, but what if we throw some real evildoers in there? I'm talking Casey Anthony, Jerry Sandusky, OJ Simpson, Bernie Madoff, Voldemort, the McRib... they probably deserve it. May the odds be ever in your favor, a-holes.

Strengths and Weaknesses: Drake

Drake made "headlines" by dropping his sophomore album Take Care last month. Let's take a look at some of the rapper/actor/model's strengths and weaknesses.

DRAKE

STRENGTHS

• Is indeed a rapper/actor/model, which are 3 of the best things you can be.
• Able to find your love.
• Half-Jewish, making him the most fiscally responsible rapper on earth.
• Was my Great Black Person of the Day for February 5, 2010.
• His character on the TV show Degrassi was confined to a wheelchair in season 5, proving he could act both standing up and sitting down.
• Knows G4 pilots on a first name basis.
• Also knows the G4 pilots' last names.
• Tucks napkin in shirt/good manners.

WEAKNESSES

• Canadian
• Says the N-word way too much for only being half black.
• Too attractive to be taken seriously as rapper. Needs to learn to be as ugly as sin like Lil Wayne.
• Announces "I'm Goin' In" whenever he opens a door.
• Like most rappers, only started rapping because he wasn't good at basketball.
• Real name is Aubrey.
• Thinks Young Money is a viable form of currency.
• Won't ever let anyone else be first player on his Xbox 360.

Birthday Wishes

Friday is my birthday. This, dear reader, is obviously very important to you. Okay, it's not. But I find that if people know it's your birthday, they're a lot nicer, kinder, and more generous toward you... and that's never a bad thing. I can feel the good vibes already.
Anyway, I just wanted to share with you some of the birthday wishes that I'll be making as I blow out the candles on my cake this year in hopes that they'll come true. I know that supposedly wishes don't come true when you share them with others, but I wished for a dinosaur 12 straight birthdays without telling a soul and never got one, so maybe blogging your wishes is the way to go.

Wish #1: To be able to listen to the radio for five minutes without hearing Adele.

I don't dislike Adele. I'm fine with her and her music, but I've heard "Rolling in the Deep" 374 times... today. Adele, I appreciate the fact that there's a fire starting in your heart and all, but I'd kinda like to listen to some music from someone with a last name for a change.

Wish #2: That a Taco Bell would open up nearby.

Good for the heart... attack

The closest Taco Bell to my house is over 30 miles away. That's straight up un-American. Sure, having not eaten Taco Bell in the last six months has probably added 10 years to my life, but sometimes you just need a 99 cent chicken burrito.

Wish #3: Katy Perry

Russell Brand? C'mon. You can do better than that. I'm funny, I can do a British accent, AND I wash my hair. What exactly do I want with Katy Perry? All that free Proactiv... duh.

Wish #4: For just one, ONE of my teams to win a title.

No need to wrap, there's already a bow

No team I cheer for has won a major title since 1995. That's 16 years. My fan title drought now has a driver's license.

Wish #5: Share

If you like the blog... and let's face it, if you've read this far down, you probably do a little bit... then share it with your friends. Heck, share it with your enemies. Follow the blog, like the facebook page, tweet it, re-tweet it, re-tweet that, #overkill. All that good stuff. It's my birthday, you kinda have to. Thanks to everyone who does keep up with the terribly-titled TKAA... I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I do writing it.

The Hardest Butt

Jack White can be so immature.

Indie Music Ice Cream Truck

There's an ice cream truck that drives throughout my neighborhood every day, blaring Pop Goes the Weasel and If You're Happy and You Know It in an effort to attract the kiddies. The only problem is, there aren't that many kids in my neighborhood. There are a lot of young adults though. Maybe the ice cream man should think about shutting off the kiddie music and playing some Vampire Weekend or something instead. Ooh, indie music ice cream truck!

Flavors:

• Death Cone for Cutie
• Chunky Arctic Monkey
• Passion Pit-stachio
• The Marzipan Volta
• Miike Snowcone
• Pavement Chocolate Chip
• Sticky Lykke Li
• Sigur-Free Ros
• Neutral Milkshake Hotel
• MmmGMT

Oh man, I would love this... at least at first, until other people started liking it. Nevermind... all the indie ice cream would end up selling out anyway.