Strengths and Weaknesses: I'll Have Another

Next Saturday, 3-year-old colt, I'll Have Another, can become the first horse since 1978 to win the coveted Triple Crown of Thoroughbred Racing. We'll examine his chances of success in this installment of Strengths and Weaknesses:

I'll Have Another

STRENGTHS

• Always puts the team on his back
• Has twice as many legs as the world's fastest man
• Able to be converted into glue
• In talks with Nike to develop own horseshoe
• Proud Chestnut-American
• Pretty successful for a 3-year-old
• Always finishes the race before his jockey
• Only racehorse anyone in America knows the name of

WEAKNESSES

• Terrible at post-race interviews
• 67% of the way to the Triple Crown, which is still an F
• Name isn't so much a name as it is a sentence fragment
• Has surprisingly little horse sense
• Is a colt, which is the worst team in the NFL
• Thinks Belmont Stakes are cuts of meat
• Like NBA teams, doesn't try hard until the end
• If he loses at Belmont, this entire post will be irrelevant in less than a week

Strengths and Weaknesses: The Avengers

The Avengers opens in theaters this weekend, bringing with it a veritable who's who of Marvel superheroes. Of course, even superheroes have their faults, some of which we'll take a look at in this installment of Strengths and Weaknesses.

The Avengers

STRENGTHS

• Movie should make enough money at the box office to eliminate the national debt
• Have all the makings of a great boy band
• Wisely included Samuel L. Jackson so they don't look racist
• Know the value of teamwork, but ignore that and focus on the value of superpowers
• Now that the movie is finally out, maybe I won't have to sit through three Avengers promos every time there's a commercial break on TV
• All five sides of Captain America's star are equal sizes, which, if you've ever tried to draw a star, is really hard to accomplish
• All members would probably win the Hunger Games... except maybe Hawkeye
• Movie will help bide time until The Dark Knight Rises comes out in July

WEAKNESSES

• I don't like the Hulk even when he's not angry
• Only one woman to cook for all those hungry superheroes
• Thor has a god complex
• Hawkeye still troubled from his time spent as a doctor during the Korean War
• Only Scarlett Johansson needs to be wearing tights and latex
• From far away, Captain America's shield looks like a giant target
• Iron Man doesn't have a secret identity... or a twitter account
• Superhero tax bracket is a real killer

Strengths and Weaknesses: Madonna

It's been 33 years since Madonna first arrived on the scene, but she's still making headlines. She's got a new album (MDNA), a new perfume, a world tour, a public divorce, and even a controversial photo up for sale. Let's take a look at what makes the Material Girl so fixating in this installment of Strengths and Weaknesses.

Madonna

STRENGTHS

• Her music makes the people come together... yeah
• Seamlessly switches between American and British accents
• Won a Golden Globe for Evita, which is almost a cool as winning a real award
• Looks pretty good to be 400 years old
• Member of every religion
• Good at divorce
• Actually looked classy at Super Bowl halftime show surrounded by Nicki Minaj, M.I.A., and LMFAO
• Voted "Greatest Woman in Rock History" by, oh by VH1. Nevermind

WEAKNESSES

• Not at all like a virgin
• Materialistic
• Uses dance floor as a confessional, which is not approved by the Catholic church
• Couldn't even beat out the Beatles on Billboard's "Greatest Artists of All-Time" list
• Omitted like half the letters on her newest album
• Cone boobs are by far the most dangerous kind of boobs
• Always telling Argentinians not to cry for her, but doesn't have $#!% to say to the fine people of Uruguay
• Has kissed Britney Spears and thus, by proxy, has kissed Kevin Federline

Strengths and Weaknesses: Jersey Shore

Tonight marks the finale of the fifth (yes fifth) season of Jersey Shore. (That's already two more than Arrested Development.) While I'll be watching March Madness all night, it goes without saying that Jersey Shore is a cultural phenomenon and deserves its spot as the subject of this installment of Strengths and Weaknesses:

Jersey Shore

STRENGTHS

• ?

WEAKNESSES

• Pauly D
• JWOWW
• The Situation
• Snooki
• Sammi
• Ronnie
• Vinny
• Deena

I kid. Kinda. I'm not above Jersey Shore. I've seen a few episodes and I watch my share of garbage TV, but lesbihonest (told you I've seen it), it's sad that young people look up to these Guido and Guidettes. Alas, the show can be entertaining and the cast is certainly not boring. In the end, Jersey Shore is a lot like junk food: it's okay in small portions, but lacks substance. Also, they're both greasy.

Strengths and Weaknesses: Drake

Drake made "headlines" by dropping his sophomore album Take Care last month. Let's take a look at some of the rapper/actor/model's strengths and weaknesses.

DRAKE

STRENGTHS

• Is indeed a rapper/actor/model, which are 3 of the best things you can be.
• Able to find your love.
• Half-Jewish, making him the most fiscally responsible rapper on earth.
• Was my Great Black Person of the Day for February 5, 2010.
• His character on the TV show Degrassi was confined to a wheelchair in season 5, proving he could act both standing up and sitting down.
• Knows G4 pilots on a first name basis.
• Also knows the G4 pilots' last names.
• Tucks napkin in shirt/good manners.

WEAKNESSES

• Canadian
• Says the N-word way too much for only being half black.
• Too attractive to be taken seriously as rapper. Needs to learn to be as ugly as sin like Lil Wayne.
• Announces "I'm Goin' In" whenever he opens a door.
• Like most rappers, only started rapping because he wasn't good at basketball.
• Real name is Aubrey.
• Thinks Young Money is a viable form of currency.
• Won't ever let anyone else be first player on his Xbox 360.

Strengths and Weaknesses: Kim Kardashian

Kim Kardashian is in the headlines again after filing for divorce from her husband after only 72 days of marriage. Let's take a look at some of the voluptuous socialite's strengths and weaknesses.

KIM KARDASHIAN

STRENGTHS

• Easy to keep up with.
• Actually looks pretty hot when standing next to her sisters.
• Marriage lasted longer than most of NBC's new fall lineup.
• Fake tan consistent with fake personality.
• You can't get STDs from being a media whore.
• Single-handedly keeping the airbrushing industry in business.
• While dating running back Reggie Bush, scored more fantasy points than Reggie Bush did.
• Surprisingly good at Call of Duty.

WEAKNESSES

• Made a sex tape with Ray J.
• Made a SEX TAPE with RAY J.
• Married the least famous person in the entire NBA.
• If middle name also starts with K, she's got a lot of monogrammed stuff she needs to burn.
• Giant butt probably means giant farts.
• If you don't count the wedding reception or honeymoon, only married 14 seconds.
• Always wants to jump out of own birthday cake.
• Just all kinds of whorish.

Strengths and Weaknesses: Frankenstein

It's Halloween and who better to focus on today than one of history's most prolific monsters, Frankenstein? Let's take a look at some of the big guy's strengths and weaknesses.

FRANKENSTEIN

STRENGTHS

• Only Jewish monster besides Jedidiah the Friendly Ghost.
• Bolts on neck good for hanging earphones when not in use.
• Comprised of separate body parts... just like celebrities.
• Doesn't get angry when people mistake him for the Hulk,  Shrek, or the Phillie Phanatic.
• I think he mighta been the guy who just married and divorced Kim Kardashian. (Maybe this should go under weaknesses)
• Never has to dress up for Halloween.
• Doesn't have a mother, so no chance of developing an Oedipus complex.
• Colors inside the lines.

WEAKNESSES

• Lost out on lucrative cereal endorsement deal to Frankenberry.
• Scar on forehead really should have cleared up by now.
• No one cares his full name is Frankenstein Jones.
• Still uses MySpace.
• Doesn't understand why everyone at Fenway Park is always talking about him.
• Angry mob always following him with pitchforks, yet hardly any followers on Twitter.
• Complicated relationship with father, human race. 
• When at parties, refuses to do any dance besides the monster mash.
  
  
  And since it's Halloween, have a look at my pumpkins from the last 2 years. The one on the left is supposed to be Ke$ha. Supposed to be. I went with a far less ambitious approach this year by simply carving the Varsity V and then drawing delicious Varsity food around it.
  

Strengths and Weaknesses: Coldplay

With Coldplay set to release their 5th studio album, Mylo Xyloto, next week, it's a good time to take a look at some of the band's strengths and weaknesses.

COLDPLAY

STRENGTHS

• More Grammys than Barack Obama.
• Have drawn comparisons to the Beatles, the most famous band in the world... besides Coldplay.
• All band members have British accents, just in case being rock stars isn't a good enough way to get girls.
• If you play their 2nd album "A Rush of Blood to the Head" and the movie "Love Actually" at the same time, it syncs up perfectly.
• New album will go platinum even if recorded on a Yak Bak.
• Appeal to fans of rock, pop, alternative... pretty much every genre except country... and let's face it, country music fans don't deserve to listen to Coldplay.
• They don't panic.
• Got music critics to shut up about Radiohead for five minutes.

WEAKNESSES

• Only 1 of 4 band members married to Gwyneth Paltrow.
• Afraid to tell world Coldplay is actually 2 words.
• Donate lots of time, money, and effort to charity organizations instead of making more music I can listen to.
• Song "Yellow" actually about a bad case of jaundice.
• Occasionally get sunburn from own stage lighting, due to pasty white Brit-skin.
• Probably really terrible at sports.
• Always trying to fix you.
• No one can pronounce Mylo Xyloto.

Strengths and Weaknesses: Christopher Columbus

In honor of my 4th favorite explorer's eponymous holiday, I'm introducing a new segment called Strengths & Weaknesses, where I'll assess someone's, um, strengths and weaknesses. Maybe the name needs some work.

CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS

STRENGTHS

• Made 1492 way the best year of the 1400s.
• Has his own holiday. Suck it, Magellan.
• Made it across ocean without GPS.
• Reincarnated as famous director.
• Italian, but not the fist-pumping kind.
• Would probably have won gold medal for long-distance sailing if such a thing existed.
• First and last name start with same letter, so twice as likely to have been a superhero.
• Sturdy sea legs, including ridiculously well-defined sea calves.

WEAKNESSES

• Always thought the term was "circlonavigate."
• Mistook Bahamas for Indies... and his girlfriend for not a whore.
• Little known 4th ship, The Columbinator, sank on 2nd day of voyage.
• Lost race to be "1st to discover New World" to the indigenous people of New World.
• Forgot to pack sun-tan lotion.
• Kinda destroyed an entire civilization.
• Never could remember which side was starboard.
• Is dead.