TV Crushes

I read an article on the AV Club not too long ago where the whole staff wrote a paragraph about their first crush on a character of a TV show. They were funny, sweet, charming, and endearing -- so I asked some of my funny, sweet, charming, and endearing friends to write a few words about one of their first TV crushes -- the result is funny sweet, charming, and endearing. Also, I wrote one:

Peyton Sawyer - One Tree Hill
   ~ David Hammock

I know what you're thinking; One Tree Hill is a show for teenage girls. Well that's true, but what you should be thinking is SHUT UP. My little sister was a big One Tree Hill fan when she was younger and I would occasionally watch it with her and I ended up getting hooked on all the wonderfully angsty drama. In addition to said drama, OTH (don't call it that) offered two pretty great things: a surprisingly legit indie soundtrack and a cute, indie cheerleader named Peyton Sawyer. Good looks and good taste in music -- move over Hannah Montana, P. Sawyer represents the best of both worlds. She was the perfect balance of smart, witty, playful, and broody... and all her music was on vinyl. I almost went with Veronica Mars instead of Peyton, but it's been a long time since was into that show and, well, you know, I don't want to be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately.

Kimberly Hart - Power Rangers
   ~ Ryan Nichols

While the pterodactyl is far from my favorite dinosaur, it definitely represents the hottest of the Power Rangers. Kimberly (Amy Jo Johnson) was a fearsome fighter and a worthy gymnast, but most importantly, she was always nice to the not-so-formidable blue ranger, who was my favorite. Of course, she was VERY nice to the green ranger, but I think she was only interested in his "dragon-dagger." My love for Kimberly was so strong that I even followed Amy Jo Johnson's post-power ranger career. She starred in Susie Q as a prom-obsessed socialite and then... I gave up on her. I wanted to remember Amy Jo at her best -- as the charming, happy-go-lucky, flexible, pink martial artist on Power Rangers.

Diane Chambers - Cheers
   ~ T.S. Oldman

Since I'm in my 20s and watch an inordinate amount of television, I should probably say someone like Aubrey Plaza's April from Parks & Rec or Zooey Deschanel playing a version of herself on New Girl, but I can't. My heart will always belong to Diane Chambers and her five wonderful seasons on the best sitcom in the history of televsion, Cheers. (Seinfeld is only an acceptable answer if you are heartless person who prefers the quotable nihlism of Jerry's "No hugs, no learning" mantra to Cheers' heartfelt, live-audience fun). Shelley Long's Diane was a  professional student who studied art, literature, and sociology, yet, couldn't fathom why anyone would care about baseball, hockey, or basketball. Brilliant but naive. More than anything else, Diane's sharp wit and facial ticks always made me laugh. Having never watched the show growing up (toddlers aren't so great at following dialogue), I plowed through the first five seasons last year on Netflix. And despite knowing that Diane wasn't coming back for a sixth season, I still teared up while watching her last scene. Not my strongest moment, but that's what crushes ultimately do: leave you little bit happy, a little bit sad, and your eyes a little bit wet.


Sydney Bristow - Alias
   ~ Tom Kimsey

Five minutes into the JJ Abrams spy series and I was smitten. Yes, with JJ Abrams, but I'll save that obsession for another day. Sydney Bristow is the perfect balance for any guy - capable, sexy spy and lovable girl-next-door. Not to mention single (thank you colorblind assassin), though maybe not so much available (Bradley Cooper, sexiest man of the year, called dibs before I had a chance). Through five seasons my love never waned, even though she forgot about me and every other guy who had a chance with her in that awesome season two cliffhanger. Syd, no matter how long it takes to get in your dad's good graces; through all the missions, the convoluted plots, and the changing code names (you'll always be my Mountaineer); I'll be here for you.


Kate Austen - Lost
   ~ Stephan Rabbitt



I never had cable growing up so I was limited to about eight channels for the first 18 years of my life. Of those eight channels, many came in quite fuzzy with our rabbit ear antenna. The only programming I regularly watched was Braves baseball, so I draw from a somewhat limited pool of shows. First, I thought about going with Kelly Kapowski. But, let's be honest, who didn't have a crush on Kelly Kapowski? After that, I thought about Mary Ann from Gilligan's Island. This one was mostly ruled out because I have an awful memory and couldn't tell you a thing about her other than that she shipwrecked on a 3-hour tour, a 3-hour tour...and that her and the professor were left out of theme song for a while. Instead, I went with a more recent deserted (or is it) island vixen... Kate Austen. She has the distinct advantage of being on one of my favorite TV shows of all time. Also, we have tons in common. She worked in the hatch to save-the-world by typing numbers in a computer. I save the world doing the same thing every day at work, one taxpayer at a time. Clearly, we would get along great. I could teach her some Excel tricks:

Rabbitt: You know, Kate - I bet I can record a macro to enter these numbers in so you don't have to manually input every 108 minutes.
Austen: Wow, that would be great. You are my favorite! We can use that extra time to talk and learn more about each other's past.
Rabbitt: ...Actually, let's stick with the manual input.

Odds and Ends

Vegetarian

Whenever I hear that someone's a vegetarian, I automatically feel bad for them. I picture them eating celery and lettuce all day every day. I bet that's not the case though. I bet vegetarians eat a ton of candy. I bet it's like, "I can't have a hamburger for dinner, sooooo I'll just have 18 bags of skittles instead!" I bet all the characters from Candyland are vegetarians.

Tolerant advice-giver

There's a commercial sponsored by the NBA, starring NBA players, that urges viewers not to use the word "gay" in a negative light. The commercial shows kids playing basketball and trash-talking, with the first three lines going something like, "the last time you blocked somebody was online" or something dumb like that. Then the fourth line says something like, "your moves are gay," then the NBA players step in and scold the gay comment. I'm fine with trying to get people to not use gay in that way. It probably is hurtful to some people. What I'm not fine with is the NBA telling me not to say it. Really? The NBA? Where the players can't go five minutes without swearing, fighting, and getting arrested? Where the season started a month late because its members are all greedy? THAT NBA is telling me what to say? Right. I'll refrain from calling things gay because it can hurt feelings, not because of your ridiculously lame, hypocritical commercial. Quit calling others out and call some travelling.

Is that you, Ev?

I'm 90% sure the waitress at the Village Cafe in Clayton is Ev from the Real World. To be certain, next time I go, I'm not gonna be polite and see if she starts getting real.

Totally deserves it.

How did the hand-dryer come about? Was the inventor like: "Ugh, these paper towels are getting my hands way too dry. I just gotta invent something that leaves them inconveniently wet so my hands are all drippy like they're meant to be."? I guess they're more eco-friendly, but I'm willing to kill some trees for dry hands. Forests are overrated. And we only have to kill the bad trees, like the one that eats Charlie Brown's kite or the evil one from Lord of the Rings or maybe the Whomping Willow if need be.

Toast on drums

How come rappers hardly ever form bands? It's always like T.I. featuring Drake/Lil Wayne/Snoop Dogg/Kid Cudi/Vanilla Ice/Rick Ross/Young Jeezy/50 Cent/The Game. Just form a band. It's like breakfast. They call it breakfast, not Pancakes featuring Eggs/Bacon/Toast/Grits/Applesauce/Milk.

The key to a woman's heart

I think if I could somehow combine Pinterest, the Bachelor, and Ryan Gosling, I could control 95% of the women of the world.

Strengths and Weaknesses: Drake

Drake made "headlines" by dropping his sophomore album Take Care last month. Let's take a look at some of the rapper/actor/model's strengths and weaknesses.

DRAKE

STRENGTHS

• Is indeed a rapper/actor/model, which are 3 of the best things you can be.
• Able to find your love.
• Half-Jewish, making him the most fiscally responsible rapper on earth.
• Was my Great Black Person of the Day for February 5, 2010.
• His character on the TV show Degrassi was confined to a wheelchair in season 5, proving he could act both standing up and sitting down.
• Knows G4 pilots on a first name basis.
• Also knows the G4 pilots' last names.
• Tucks napkin in shirt/good manners.

WEAKNESSES

• Canadian
• Says the N-word way too much for only being half black.
• Too attractive to be taken seriously as rapper. Needs to learn to be as ugly as sin like Lil Wayne.
• Announces "I'm Goin' In" whenever he opens a door.
• Like most rappers, only started rapping because he wasn't good at basketball.
• Real name is Aubrey.
• Thinks Young Money is a viable form of currency.
• Won't ever let anyone else be first player on his Xbox 360.

Taste the Rainbow

  

The food pyramid is no more. It's gone. I had no idea. Was it even sick? I would have sent flowers had I known. Poor food Egyptians. Anyway, the food pyramid is no longer the go-to reference for youngsters looking to make healthy food choices. (All one of them.) Its replacement? MyPlate. Instead of the tried and true triangle diagram, it's a circle with different sized wedges. Whatevs. I guess that's fine. No big deal, right? WRONG.

You see, it's not just the shape that's changed. My mom, who teaches 2nd grade and has to share the new MyPlate with her students, tells me that the biggest change is the focus on color. In an effort to simplify things for the kiddies, children are now told to simply try to make their plates colorful. A healthy plate is one with lots of different colors.

Now, I know what they're getting at. Most veggies are green. Grains are brown and white. Dairy is yellow or white. Fruits are red, orange, purple, blue. Meat is red or brown. You could construct a pretty healthy meal by going with the color idea. But if I'm a kid and I know I'm supposed to fill my plate with different colors, here's what my diet would look like:

Dinner is served?

BREAKFAST: Jolly Ranchers

LUNCH: Rainbow Sherbet w/ Sprinkles

DINNER: Fun Dip

And remember, these are kids. Kids put all kinds of things in their mouths. I could easily see MyPlate backfire into this diet:

BREAKFAST: Crayons

LUNCH: Glitter

DINNER: An Eric Carle book

Maybe I don't give kids enough credit, but I don't think the whole color thing is a good idea. And what if the kid's colorblind? Can you say eating disorder? I say bring back the pyramid. And while we're bringing back things from my youth, how bout Legends of the Hidden Temple? Now there's something that promotes healthy living. Challenging physical activities, brain-stimulating quizzes, teamwork, blue barracudas... the show had it all. Surely there's room on TV for a show with that much to offer. Do we really need another "cycle" of America's Next Top Model? Haven't we had enough trips down Project Runway? Would anyone miss the Lifetime channel?

Sesame Straight

Bert and Ernie have been in the headlines recently thanks to this campaign to have the two Sesame Street residents wed on the popular children's program. As expected, this has caused quite the ruckus as gay puppet marriage is indeed a hot button issue in today's society. Now as much as I enjoy muppet drama, I feel like Sesame Street has more important issues to deal with than the legal union of its mismatched pair... such as:

The giant yellow bird terrorizing the neighborhood streets. It may seem harmless enough, but I don't trust anything that's seven feet tall and can't dunk.

The purple vampire living in the anachronistic castle down the street. The creature is sure to wreak havoc on the Sesame youth once he grows tired of enumerating. Count on it.

The homeless green monster rummaging through the neighborhood garbage. What if he unsorts the recycling?

The streets are teeming with monsters... none of whom have eyelids. This means they're always watching.

A political debate over gay puppet marriage seems kinda silly compared to these alarming facts... or, you know, just silly in general. Like "brought to you by the letter S" silly.

American Idol Ice Cream

I found this on my old xanga site. Apparently in 2007 there was some kind of contest to come up with a name for an American Idol-themed flavor of Dreyer's ice cream. Here are some of the flavors my friends and I submitted: (Keep in mind, this was 2007, so there had only been like 5 or so seasons of the show at that point)

• Clay Aiken's Rainbow Sherbet
• Ruben Studdard's Chicken & Waffle Cone
• Kelly Pickler's New Peaches & Cream
• Katherine McPhee-nut Butter Cup
• Kelly Clarkson's Behind Those Hazelnuts
• Clay Aiken's Tutti Frutti
• Ruben Studdard's Fat Free (Just Kidding) Double Chocolate Fudge
• Daughtry's Mint Chocolate Chip On His Shoulder
• Clay Aiken's Twinkie Lovers
• Fantasia's Chocolate
• Strawberrie Underwood
• Randy Jackson's Black Man Ice Cream
• Straight From the Cowell
• Paula Abdul's Rocky Road

and my very favorite...

• Bo Bice Cream

I haven't kept up with American Idol very much since then, but if there were another contest there could be:

• David Cookies & Cream
• Adam Lambert's Openly Grape
• J-Lo Calorie Vanilla
• Steven Tyler's Dude Looks Like Spumoni
• Steven Tyler's Lime In An Elevator
• Steven Tyler's Sweet Emotion (that's a freebie)
• Lee DeWyze Cream
• David Choculeta
• Karamel DioGuardi

But what do I care? I'm lactose intolerant.

Also, apologies to Clay Aiken.