Odds and Ends

Vegetarian

Whenever I hear that someone's a vegetarian, I automatically feel bad for them. I picture them eating celery and lettuce all day every day. I bet that's not the case though. I bet vegetarians eat a ton of candy. I bet it's like, "I can't have a hamburger for dinner, sooooo I'll just have 18 bags of skittles instead!" I bet all the characters from Candyland are vegetarians.

Tolerant advice-giver

There's a commercial sponsored by the NBA, starring NBA players, that urges viewers not to use the word "gay" in a negative light. The commercial shows kids playing basketball and trash-talking, with the first three lines going something like, "the last time you blocked somebody was online" or something dumb like that. Then the fourth line says something like, "your moves are gay," then the NBA players step in and scold the gay comment. I'm fine with trying to get people to not use gay in that way. It probably is hurtful to some people. What I'm not fine with is the NBA telling me not to say it. Really? The NBA? Where the players can't go five minutes without swearing, fighting, and getting arrested? Where the season started a month late because its members are all greedy? THAT NBA is telling me what to say? Right. I'll refrain from calling things gay because it can hurt feelings, not because of your ridiculously lame, hypocritical commercial. Quit calling others out and call some travelling.

Is that you, Ev?

I'm 90% sure the waitress at the Village Cafe in Clayton is Ev from the Real World. To be certain, next time I go, I'm not gonna be polite and see if she starts getting real.

Totally deserves it.

How did the hand-dryer come about? Was the inventor like: "Ugh, these paper towels are getting my hands way too dry. I just gotta invent something that leaves them inconveniently wet so my hands are all drippy like they're meant to be."? I guess they're more eco-friendly, but I'm willing to kill some trees for dry hands. Forests are overrated. And we only have to kill the bad trees, like the one that eats Charlie Brown's kite or the evil one from Lord of the Rings or maybe the Whomping Willow if need be.

Toast on drums

How come rappers hardly ever form bands? It's always like T.I. featuring Drake/Lil Wayne/Snoop Dogg/Kid Cudi/Vanilla Ice/Rick Ross/Young Jeezy/50 Cent/The Game. Just form a band. It's like breakfast. They call it breakfast, not Pancakes featuring Eggs/Bacon/Toast/Grits/Applesauce/Milk.

The key to a woman's heart

I think if I could somehow combine Pinterest, the Bachelor, and Ryan Gosling, I could control 95% of the women of the world.

Odds and Ends

• Before the Civil Rights Movement, I bet there were a lot of mix-ups over colored pencils. How could you tell the difference between colored pencils (colorful pencils for whites) and colored pencils (regular pencils for blacks)? I bet this was one of the things that pushed Dr. King over edge.

• You know how in Fight Club they have that ongoing conversation about who they would wanna fight if they could pick anyone in the world? I'd pick Jay-Z. I don't have anything against him, but it'd probably be nice for him to have a nice round 100 problems for once. Actually, I do kinda hate Jay-Z.

• If Kirsten Dunst is struggling to tell you bad news, I think it's a good idea to tell her to Bring It On. The resulting laughter would help ease the tension.

• If a DJ does a Duran Duran double play on the radio, it's like Duran Duran Duran Duran... and if Karen O ever joined forces with the Flaming Lips it'd be the Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeahs.

• I have a bad habit of saying "you too" to the person at the drive-thru window, regardless of what they say...
  
  
  Sometimes it works: 
• Have a nice day
• Thank you
• Who sings Sunday Bloody Sunday?

        Sometimes it doesn't: 

• Enjoy your meal
• Need any ketchup?
• We're closed

Odds and Ends

• I love Words With Friends, but I wonder if Words With Enemies isn't a better idea. Sure, beating your friends is cool, but how bout dropping QUARTZ on a triple word score on someone you've hated your whole life?

• Kraft needs to create some sort of Adult-Style Mac & Cheese. Instead of dinosaur shapes, there can be little briefcases, ties, bills, reading glasses, etc. This way, I get all the enjoyment of eating cheesy shapes with none of the judgmental glances from the cashiers at publix.

•  I wonder if the temperature is always 98 degrees at Nick Lachey's house. His girlfriend is over and is sweating and dying of heat exhaustion and is all begging Nick to turn the air on and he just won't do it and she's all like 'you don't cherish me' and he's like 'I do cherish you' and then he laughs cuz he realizes the inadvertent pun and she passes out and he misses Jessica Simpson a little.
  

• Anything with pumpkin in it is good... pumpkin pie, pumpkins muffins, pumpkins lattes... the list goes on and on. Yes, I think I'd eat anything with pumpkin in front of it. Now am I saying I'd eat pumpkin poop? No. But I'm not gonna just rule it out. Depends how poop-heavy the dish is.
  

• Check out the old and new Hawaiian Punch mascots:

       Thoughts on the updated version:
       Pros: He's wearing pants.
       Cons: Everything else.


       What a terrible change.

       (Did you ever think the red hat on the original was his hair? I did.)

Odds and Ends

• Why do oatmeal cookies always have to have raisins in them? It's like, "Hey David, want a delicious oatmeal cookie? Well, prove it by eating around these shriveled up grapes."

• After enjoying a purple Gatorade, I saw on the bottle that the flavor was called "Fierce Grape." I wonder if the "Fierce" is necessary. Like do people go to the store and catch a glimpse of a purple sports drink, excitedly pick it up, then put it back in disgust when they discover the bottle of grape fluid is devoid of ferocity?

• You know how when someone says, "It's hot in here," somebody else inevitably quips, "Okay, I'll leave."? How come that person never leaves?

• Almost every promo for a show about football has the analysts standing around holding, twirling, spinning, or tossing a football. Is the football necessary? It must be... I challenge you to find a promo that doesn't have a guy with a handful of pigskin. That was a terrible way to put that.

• I feel like there are way too many songs telling me to put my hands in the air. Kanye West, Taio Cruz, Chris Brown, Miley Cyrus, Flo Rida... I'll put my hands in the air when I'm good and ready... and don't even think about telling me that they should stay there, DJ Khaled... that's my decision too.