First and Tension: The NFL Gets Offensive

If you follow sports at all, you've probably heard about the controversy surrounding the team name of the Washington Redskins. Many Native American activists find the term "redskin" to be racially insensitive. Now, I'm not a Native American (aside from the 1/16th Cherokee that every white person in America seems to be) so I don't know how the term would make me feel. What I do know is that almost anything can be offensive if you allow it to be. Here a look at how each of the other 31 NFL franchises are offensive in their own ways:

Atlanta Falcons: Insensitive to penguins, ostriches, kiwis, and other flightless birds... and to humans, most of whom also can't fly. The city of Atlanta itself is offensive to the descendants of one William Tecumseh Sherman, whose ancestor worked tirelessly 150 years ago to burn the city to the ground.

Arizona Cardinals: Offensive to Protestants, Jews, and other non-Catholics as well as Musketeers and lower-ranking members of the Catholic church. Arizona itself is offensive to anyone who enjoys temperatures in the double digits.

Baltimore Ravens: Annoying to Miss -Symoné, who, thanks to Baltimore, must pretend to be impressed and flattered by the plethora of fantasy football teams named "That's So Ravens."

Buffalo Bills: Offensive to Misters Clinton, Cosby, Murray, and Nye the Science Guy, who would prefer not to share their first name with a team that lost four straight Super Bowls.

Carolina Panthers: Wait, how come no one is offended by a team who shares a mascot with a militant socialist organization?

Chicago Bears: Offensive to husky, gay men and Stephen Colbert.

Cincinnati Bengals: Insulting to house cats, who would like a more accurate representation of a Bengal as the team's logo.

Cleveland Browns: Everyone feels too sorry for the Cleveland Browns to be offended by them.

Dallas Cowboys: Hurtful to cowgirls, cowmen, and cowwomen, who feel neglected by the team name. The city of Dallas is offensive to those who prefer the show Dynasty.

Denver Broncos: Insulting to anyone who think OJ got off easy -- which is everyone -- including OJ. Also offensive to Land Rovers, Escapes, and Grand Cherokees.

Detroit Lions: Irritating to Simba, Nala, Mufasa, and the rest of the lions of Pride Rock, who feel they are better at football than the Detroit Lions -- except for Calvin Johnson.

Green Bay Packers: I got nothing here. The name Packers couldn't possibly be construed into anything offensive.

Houston Texans: Galling to the populations of all 49 other states who are sick and tired of being told not to mess with Texas. We get it, it's a large state and "mess with" and "Texas" kind of rhyme -- how wonderful for you.

Indianapolis Colts: Surely the horseshoes on their helmets are offensive to animal rights activists -- no respectable colt would be caught dead wearing such hideous footwear.

Jacksonville Jaguars: I'm pretty offended by those new two-toned helmets of theirs.

Kansas City Chiefs: Offensive to Native Americans? Nope. Offensive to grammar lovers who treasure the "I before E except after C" rule.

Miami Dolphins: Offensive to no one. Dolphins are adorable.

Minnesota Vikings: Biased against Viqueens.

New England Patriots - Upsetting to Loyalists of King George. Also offensive to any team who does not like having their closed practices illegally taped.

New Orleans Saints: Offensive, but not very defensive. Also unsettling to those who don't like to have their ACLs destroyed by linebackers after the whistle.

New York Giants: Neglectful to little people who would very much like an NFL team named after them, though they do dominate TLC programming.

New York Jets: Disrespectful to the New York Mets, whose rhyming team name is the original benchmark for futility on the field.

Oakland Raiders: A little confusing as to why no one opposes to naming a team after a group of marauders. It honestly is weird which team names come under fire. I can see Redskins being offensive because that particular term has a negative connotation, but what's with the heat on teams named the Chiefs, Braves, Indians, etc. Those aren't negative, they're just... groups of people. Raiders, on the other hand, are bandits, burglars, thieves, and scoundrels, which aside from describing the city of Oakland fairly well, isn't the most enlightened of team names.

Philadelphia Eagles: Hated by fellow Philadelphia franchise, the Phillies, who are envious that Eagles players are equipped with helmets with which to protect themselves from the constant barrage of bottles, batteries, and other projectiles hurled their way by Philly fans.

Pittsburgh Steelers: Disliked by descendants of the Rockefeller and Vanderbilt families.

St. Louis Rams: Misogynistic toward ewes. The city of St. Louis is also offensive to those who are flat-footed.

San Diego Chargers: Discourteous to those who prefer to pay in cash.

San Francisco 49ers: Dismissive of pioneers who took part in the Silver Rush in 1843, the Bronze Frenzy of 1847, and Pewter-Palooza 2010.

Seattle Seahawks: You would think Airhawks would be offended by not being chosen as the Seattle mascot, but as always, it's those Sandhawks who are really whining about it.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers: See: Raiders, Oakland.

Tennessee Titans: Offensive to greek gods who worked hard to defeat and control the giant race.

Sports: A Love Story

This is my 200th entry in this blog. After 2+ years of Black History, Hipster Santa, and lots of randomness, I decided to mark this occasion by writing about something near and dear to my heart: sports.

It's easy to become disillusioned with anything, even something you love. I love sports, but with all the steroids and money and illegal activities and egotism and media involved, even someone like me, who truly enjoys sports, can get a little cynical. When the best players are cheaters and the best teams are the ones with the most money and the best programs are the ones that "recruit" the best, it's not hard to fall out of love with sports -- and sometimes I almost do -- until I realize one important thing: that's not what sports are all about.

I'm as guilty as anyone when it comes to letting ESPN cloud my perception of sports. Watching sports television can quickly make you lose sight of the essence of sports and view it as an unfeeling business full of overpaid clowns. Even though that's not a completely inaccurate description, it is an incomplete one. The essence of sports is competition and hard work and will and overcoming adversity and all that good stuff you can find on a motivational poster. It's corny, it's cliche, but it's true.

Though it's fun to watch LeBron James dunk over a defender, or see Miguel Cabrera launch a 450-foot home run, or witness Tom Brady throw a 60-yard touchdown pass, that isn't what sports are to me.

It's spending weeks breaking in your glove until it feels like an extension of your own hand.

It's not leaving the gym until you hit five jumpers in a row.

It's getting hit so hard that it actually feels good.

It's catching a ball in the gap that you didn't think you had a snowball's chance at getting to.

It's knowing the basketball's going in as soon as it leaves your hand.

It's when scrappy and persistent defeats talented.

It's turning the ball over, then hustling back to make a play on D at the other end.

It's the chubby guy struggling to run a mile on his neighborhood streets, but never quitting.

It's the undersized kid that works and wills his way into the starting lineup.

It's playing your heart out, not just for you, but also for your teammates.

It's beating my dad in one-on-one after hundreds of losses and knowing it's the first time he's glad he lost at anything.

It's a million personal, intangible moments you experienced on the practice court or the playing field that aren't just memories, but part of who you are.

Sometimes I ask myself questions like, "why does it matter so much to me that the Braves win?" When you get down to it, it's just a bunch of grown men playing a game. I think it's because, at some level, everybody on that team and every athlete on any team also loves sports. They could read this story and know exactly what I'm talking about, how I feel. They were also kids who liked the smell of the diamond and the feel of the bat in their hands. They're like me, just way better at baseball.

Call me crazy, but I think God loves sports too. I honestly believe He put that spark inside us that fuels competition and drives us to be better, to endure, and to overcome. It's like Olympian Eric Liddell says in Chariots of Fire: "I believe God made me for a purpose, but he also made me fast. And when I run I feel His pleasure." I think loving sports is embracing something God put inside of me and I honestly feel that, in a way, sports can give us a better understanding of the Lord -- and that's something worthy of a 200th blog post.

Go Ahead, Drink the Haterade

Haterade isn't a real product. You can't buy it in stores or even purchase it online. As much as the word Haterade is thrown around these days, it's a surprise and a shame that it's not an actual drink. You would think some eccentric person with money to blow would take a chance on this gimmick and start mass producing some delicious Haterade for the world to enjoy -- or maybe to hate. Maybe it's just that no one has thought up a solid assortment of Haterade flavors. That's where I come in. Here are some of my ideas for Haterade flavors:

Sour Grape
Passion-Aggressive Fruit
All Lemon, No Lime
Orange Crushed Spirit
Pink Gripefruit
On Mountain Blast
Melondrama 
Fruit Punch (some things don't change)

That's a good start, but what sports drink is complete without famous athlete endorsements? Gatorade boasts well-liked athletes like Michael Jordan and Peyton Manning to advertise their products. Haterade should go in the opposite direction -- special flavors endorsed by the most hated athletes in all of sports:

Lance Armstrong's Blood Orange Transfusion
Ray Lewis' I'm a Changed Mango
Metta World Peach
Brett Favre's Trouser Dragonfruit
OJ Simpson's Guilt-Tea
Alex Rodriguez's Lifetime Banana
Tiger Woods' Apricot With Your Pants Down
Mike Tyson's Tropical Punch
Manti Te'o's Lemon Lie
Kobe Bryant's Alleged Grape

I wonder which of those flavors would sell the best. Certainly not Brett Favre's Trouser Dragonfruit.

Humble, Young Man, Humble

By far my least favorite part of pick-up basketball games are the rare times when I'm a captain and have to pick my own team. It's hard to judge the talent and athletic ability of guys you've never played with before. With little to go on, you would think I'd simply pick the tall guys or the muscular guys or, let's face it, the black guys; but really it's a crap shoot as to what you get. Sometimes the tall guys can't shoot. Sometimes the muscular guys are slow. Sometimes the black guys can barely dunk from the free throw line. You really just don't know what you're gonna get. That's why I only have one rule when picking a basketball team... or any kind of sports team for that matter: don't pick the guy wearing the braggy Nike shirt.

You know what I'm talking about. Those shirts emblazoned with the big, bold font that reads something obnoxious like, "YOU'VE BEEN SERVED" or "I GOT GAME" or heaven help me, "BEASTMODE." It's not that I hate the shirts -- well, I kinda hate the shirts -- it's that without fail, the guy wearing the shirt is never any good. In fact, the more boastful the shirt, the less "GAME" he got. Trust me, if you're ever picking a basketball team at your local gym, don't pick the dude in the "BEASTMODE" shirt. You'll be down by ten points wondering if his three bricks, seven turnovers, and five Gatorade breaks are part of "BEASTMODE" or if he's waiting for just the right time to start playing some gosh dang defense.

Aside from my dislike of the slogan shirts within the context of a pick-up basketball game, I just don't like the idea of self-aggrandizement. It's a no-win situation. If you can't back up your own crowing, you look bad, and even if you are as good as you say, you still come off looking like a jerk. That's why I propose Nike should produce a new line of slogan shirts; tees with meek, self-effacing slogans such as:

TWO-INCH VERTICAL

SET SHOT HERO

LAY-UP MASTER

NO, I'M NOT LEFT-HANDED

I KEEP BENCHES WARM

SECOND-STRING THEORY

I GOT GAME... OF THRONES ON DVD

LEASTMODE

Leastmode. Now that's a shirt I could wear. If I stink up the gym, well, at least I warned you. If I score a few buckets, hey, everyone's impressed. Either way, I don't look bad. I doubt Nike would get behind an idea like this. Cockiness sells, humility doesn't. In the end, I guess there are worse things in the world than a few guys at the gym wearing unsubstantiated t-shirts. Still, I think the sports world could use a little less Nike -- and a little more Just Do It.

Black History Month Great Black Person #15 of 28

Black History Month Great Black Person #15 of 28:

NOT the 3-Point Line

Sometimes it's not only what you include, but also what you exclude that's important when making a list. The three-point line is definitely not included in my BHM celebration. The arc was clearly invented by the white man as a means to maintain a Caucasian presence in the NBA. There's no way players like J.J. Redick and Steve Novak would be in the league without it. The only time those guys are useful in the paint is when they're being used as human props to jump over during the Slam Dunk Contest. Now, I'm not saying that black people can't shoot threes... obviously Reggie Miller, Ray Allen, and everyone with the last name Curry have it figured out... but white guys don't always possess the complete skill set (or handsomely bald head) of a Miller or Allen. When you think about it, three is just a bad number for African-Americans in sports. It's how many points a field goal is worth in football... but since all kickers are white, black people have to settle for touchdowns. It's the percentage of black players in the NHL... and that's rounding up. It's the number of strikes black hitters get in baseball before they are called out... talk about prejudice! Shame on you number three and shame on you three-point line.. no BHM honors for you!

Hipster Olympics

Mean girls

If there's one thing I learned from watching the first season of HBO's Girls, it's that hipsters are terrible human beings -- well, at least 75% of them. Aside from adorable Shoshonna, the girls of Girls are selfish, pretentious, and void of nearly all redeemable qualities. Alas, maybe that's the point of the show -- that even the trendiest, most self-aware young adults are wanting and lost. Maybe that idea isn't even limited to hipsters -- it could very well be that their style and general pretension are simply easier to mock. Maybe the point of Girls isn't to glorify the hipster subculture at all, but to pity it. BUT, just in case I'm completely wrong -- let's make light of it.

Whether it's because of the sight-impairing Raybans, constrictive skinny jeans, or because sports are too popular to be cool, hipsters are some of the most unathletic people on the planet. It's a sad truth, because I think the world of sports could use a thrift store makeover. Regrettably, the world isn't going to see Tom's cleats anytime soon. Unless...

Unless there existed a sport in which hipsters could excel. Nay, not just a single sport -- a collection of sports. What if there were such a thing as the Hipster Olympics?!

Sound cool? Well, I thought it sounded cool before you did.

Hipster Olympic events would include:

• 100m Dash: Just like the regular 100m Dash, except instead of a track, it's on vinyl.

• Arm Wrestling: Competitors are pitted against each other in a classic arm wrestling match according to their weight in instagrams kilograms. All competitors must have at least three tattoos on their forearm, one of which must be in a different language from the others. Any attempt to recreate Sylvester Stallone's signature move from Over the Top will result in disqualification.

• Cycling: A bike race through Williamsburg in which competitors must have one hand on the handlebar and the other on their iPhone (4s only) throughout the race. Fixed gear bikes only.

• Biathlon: The most open-minded of all athlons. It used to be the triathlon, but as we all know, hipsters don't like to tri.

• Soccer: Like regular soccer except that you can touch the ball with your hands as long as you do it ironically. 

• Volleyball: Because it's so accepting of liberos. 

• Decathlon: The ultimate test of hipsterdom. Competitors compete in 10 offbeat events including Excessive Hash-tagging, Mustache-off, PBR chugging, Listen-to-the-Entire-Animal Collective-Discography-A-Thon, Zooey Deschanel Spelling Bee, Wet Ironic T-Shirt Contest, Independent Film Festival, Kurt Vonnegut Trivia, Name That Piercing, and Shotput.

Abby Wambach prefers headers to conformist kicked goals

Strengths and Weaknesses: I'll Have Another

Next Saturday, 3-year-old colt, I'll Have Another, can become the first horse since 1978 to win the coveted Triple Crown of Thoroughbred Racing. We'll examine his chances of success in this installment of Strengths and Weaknesses:

I'll Have Another

STRENGTHS

• Always puts the team on his back
• Has twice as many legs as the world's fastest man
• Able to be converted into glue
• In talks with Nike to develop own horseshoe
• Proud Chestnut-American
• Pretty successful for a 3-year-old
• Always finishes the race before his jockey
• Only racehorse anyone in America knows the name of

WEAKNESSES

• Terrible at post-race interviews
• 67% of the way to the Triple Crown, which is still an F
• Name isn't so much a name as it is a sentence fragment
• Has surprisingly little horse sense
• Is a colt, which is the worst team in the NFL
• Thinks Belmont Stakes are cuts of meat
• Like NBA teams, doesn't try hard until the end
• If he loses at Belmont, this entire post will be irrelevant in less than a week

Odds and Ends

Vegetarian

Whenever I hear that someone's a vegetarian, I automatically feel bad for them. I picture them eating celery and lettuce all day every day. I bet that's not the case though. I bet vegetarians eat a ton of candy. I bet it's like, "I can't have a hamburger for dinner, sooooo I'll just have 18 bags of skittles instead!" I bet all the characters from Candyland are vegetarians.

Tolerant advice-giver

There's a commercial sponsored by the NBA, starring NBA players, that urges viewers not to use the word "gay" in a negative light. The commercial shows kids playing basketball and trash-talking, with the first three lines going something like, "the last time you blocked somebody was online" or something dumb like that. Then the fourth line says something like, "your moves are gay," then the NBA players step in and scold the gay comment. I'm fine with trying to get people to not use gay in that way. It probably is hurtful to some people. What I'm not fine with is the NBA telling me not to say it. Really? The NBA? Where the players can't go five minutes without swearing, fighting, and getting arrested? Where the season started a month late because its members are all greedy? THAT NBA is telling me what to say? Right. I'll refrain from calling things gay because it can hurt feelings, not because of your ridiculously lame, hypocritical commercial. Quit calling others out and call some travelling.

Is that you, Ev?

I'm 90% sure the waitress at the Village Cafe in Clayton is Ev from the Real World. To be certain, next time I go, I'm not gonna be polite and see if she starts getting real.

Totally deserves it.

How did the hand-dryer come about? Was the inventor like: "Ugh, these paper towels are getting my hands way too dry. I just gotta invent something that leaves them inconveniently wet so my hands are all drippy like they're meant to be."? I guess they're more eco-friendly, but I'm willing to kill some trees for dry hands. Forests are overrated. And we only have to kill the bad trees, like the one that eats Charlie Brown's kite or the evil one from Lord of the Rings or maybe the Whomping Willow if need be.

Toast on drums

How come rappers hardly ever form bands? It's always like T.I. featuring Drake/Lil Wayne/Snoop Dogg/Kid Cudi/Vanilla Ice/Rick Ross/Young Jeezy/50 Cent/The Game. Just form a band. It's like breakfast. They call it breakfast, not Pancakes featuring Eggs/Bacon/Toast/Grits/Applesauce/Milk.

The key to a woman's heart

I think if I could somehow combine Pinterest, the Bachelor, and Ryan Gosling, I could control 95% of the women of the world.

Birthday Wishes

Friday is my birthday. This, dear reader, is obviously very important to you. Okay, it's not. But I find that if people know it's your birthday, they're a lot nicer, kinder, and more generous toward you... and that's never a bad thing. I can feel the good vibes already.
Anyway, I just wanted to share with you some of the birthday wishes that I'll be making as I blow out the candles on my cake this year in hopes that they'll come true. I know that supposedly wishes don't come true when you share them with others, but I wished for a dinosaur 12 straight birthdays without telling a soul and never got one, so maybe blogging your wishes is the way to go.

Wish #1: To be able to listen to the radio for five minutes without hearing Adele.

I don't dislike Adele. I'm fine with her and her music, but I've heard "Rolling in the Deep" 374 times... today. Adele, I appreciate the fact that there's a fire starting in your heart and all, but I'd kinda like to listen to some music from someone with a last name for a change.

Wish #2: That a Taco Bell would open up nearby.

Good for the heart... attack

The closest Taco Bell to my house is over 30 miles away. That's straight up un-American. Sure, having not eaten Taco Bell in the last six months has probably added 10 years to my life, but sometimes you just need a 99 cent chicken burrito.

Wish #3: Katy Perry

Russell Brand? C'mon. You can do better than that. I'm funny, I can do a British accent, AND I wash my hair. What exactly do I want with Katy Perry? All that free Proactiv... duh.

Wish #4: For just one, ONE of my teams to win a title.

No need to wrap, there's already a bow

No team I cheer for has won a major title since 1995. That's 16 years. My fan title drought now has a driver's license.

Wish #5: Share

If you like the blog... and let's face it, if you've read this far down, you probably do a little bit... then share it with your friends. Heck, share it with your enemies. Follow the blog, like the facebook page, tweet it, re-tweet it, re-tweet that, #overkill. All that good stuff. It's my birthday, you kinda have to. Thanks to everyone who does keep up with the terribly-titled TKAA... I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I do writing it.

One Fine Day

Deadly is the foot that wears the crown

A few weeks ago, the young lady above, Brianna Amat, did something I thought was pretty incredible. Both a kicker for her high school football team and a member of the Homecoming Court, Brianna managed to win Homecoming Queen at halftime, then proceed to kick a game-winning field goal a short while later.

I've never been able to do either of those things... much less in the same night.

Brianna's accomplishment got me thinking about some of the great "in the same day" accomplishments I've read about.

Thomas Jefferson - July 4, 1776

1. Wrote the Declaration of Independence.

2. Finally conquered lifelong fear of writing a Declaration of Independence.

Papa John - October 2, 1984 

1. First thought of ubiquitous slogan, "Better Ingredients. Better Pizza. Papa John's."

2. Stole the CEO of Pizza Hut's girlfriend by telling her, "Better Personality. Better Hair. Papa John."

Some high school student somewhere - April 14, 2009

1. Used the correct spelling of "you're" in a sentence.

2. Used a semicolon properly in a sentence.

(Just kidding. This has never happened.)

Rosa Parks - December 1, 1955

1. Defied racial inequality by refusing to sit in the back of a bus.

2. Found a dollar under her seat at the front of said bus.

Tiger Woods - April 10, 2005

1. Won the Masters for the 4th time.

2. Didn't cheat on his wife that day.

Jimmy Carter - October 11, 2002

1. Won Nobel Peace Prize

2. Won a free large french fry playing the Monopoly game at McDonalds.

David Hammock - May 13, 2004

1. Caught a home run ball bare-handed at the Braves game.

2. Totally didn't let on that said baseball destroyed my hand and hurt for like 10 hours.

10(+) Things I Hate About UGA

It's Hate Week for Georgia Tech fans and you won't find a bigger Tech fan than me. Hate Week is the week leading up to the big GT/UGA football game where students and alumni air their grievances about the rival school. Yes, I know it's not good to hate others, but while there certainly are some good Georgia fans out there, there are far too many bad ones for me to feel the least bit bad about all the animosity I feel toward the university[sic]. The following is a little poem I wrote to celebrate my hate for all things UGA:


I hate the way your fans all bark and how you misspell dogs
I hate the way your Sunday best is camo overalls
I hate the way your mascot drools and how you live off beer
I hate how half your football team ends up in jail each year
I hate how you don't count those wins from war years when we played
I hate how I took harder classes in the 7th grade
I hate how half your fan base has never seen your school
I hate how you call Techies nerds, as if farming is cool
I hate your hedges, Herschel Walker, hate black and hate red
I hate how Larry Munson's voice makes me wish I were dead
I hate the way your redneck school brings down the whole darn state
I hate you so much UGA, clean old-fashioned hate

Tragedy in Pink

If you read this blog regularly, you know that it's not exactly the most serious site in the world, falling somewhere between CNN.com and DancingBabyAnimals.gov... yes, dot gov. Today is different. The following is all true and hopefully the fact that this post is adjacent to one about butts doesn't detract from its sincerity:


My grandmother died of breast cancer in February of this year. She was a kind and compassionate lady. She loved her son. Her son, my dad, loves basketball. He's coached high school girls basketball for the last 15 years and it's a big part of his life. Throughout his coaching career, my grandmother was a proud, supportive parent and fan of his teams. On many occasions, she donated money to help out with extra costs that the school couldn't provide for, like new uniforms, equipment, etc. She attended games, even when she was sick, until she physically couldn't anymore. The girls on the team knew her and loved her. Some even made the three hour drive to attend her funeral.

Because of the special relationship between my Grandma Pat and his team, my father and the girls decided to dedicate the upcoming season to her memory. He bought new uniforms, home and away, that boast a small, pink ribbon on the middle of the collar. This pink ribbon is a tasteful, heartfelt tribute to a wonderful lady as well as to the other countless victims of breast cancer.

When the season tips off tomorrow, however, these pink ribbons may be hidden behind an irreverent piece of white tape.

Between the time the new jerseys were purchased and now, the Georgia High School Association passed a rule stating that pink may not be worn on uniforms unless they are official colors of the school. That's basically every school in the state, including my dad's team, Tallulah Falls. It seems during football season, many high school players took the privilege to wear pink for breast cancer awareness to extremes by decking themselves out in pink socks, cleats, gloves, etc in a gaudy manner. I don't blame them. They're kids and they were just emulating what they saw on TV in the NFL. They just lacked the discernment to keep it tasteful.

But the Tallulah Falls tribute to breast cancer is tasteful; not to mention more poignant and heartfelt than probably almost anything during football season. These are girls. Girls who, God forbid, may have to deal with breast cancer someday themselves. This is a team who is honoring a departed friend. This is a one-and-a-half inch pale pink ribbon. This is a tragedy.

The new rule states than any player who enters the game wearing pink will receive a technical foul. That means if Tallulah Falls doesn't tape over the ribbon, the opposing team will shoot 10 free throws to start the game. They'll also shoot two free throws anytime a sub comes into the game. That's an awful lot of free points.

It seems to me that there should be some sort of grandfather clause to this rule. That a team who already bought their uniforms before the rule should be allowed to wear them. The rule is meant to keep players from wearing bright pink headbands and wristbands, surely they can make an exception in this case. But that's not likely.

Still, there's hope for the pink ribbon tribute. Ultimately, the decision whether or not to enforce the rule is made by the head referee each game. Hopefully, those individuals will display some common sense and compassion and let the ribbon slide. Or maybe the opposing team will miss their free throws on purpose like in some cheesy Lifetime movie. I'm not particularly optimistic.

I'm looking forward to cheering on the Lady Indians tomorrow, and for the sake of the girls, my dad, and my grandmother, I hope I don't see that unholy white tape.

Not To Be Cynical...

On the frontpage of ESPN.com, there's a story about a Texas commit who has "great stats and even better character." The tagline says something about his relationship with a young girl who has leukemia. (Wow, I spelled that right on the first try.) Anyway, it says he visits her in the hospital regularly and what not and that's nice and I'm sure he's a standup guy and all, but here's the picture of the sickly little girl:

I think a lot of guys probably showed up at the hospital for her.

It's not that it's not nice, it's just that the way the story began made me expect a much, much younger girl. Good for him though and best of luck to the redhead.

Odds and Ends

• Why do oatmeal cookies always have to have raisins in them? It's like, "Hey David, want a delicious oatmeal cookie? Well, prove it by eating around these shriveled up grapes."

• After enjoying a purple Gatorade, I saw on the bottle that the flavor was called "Fierce Grape." I wonder if the "Fierce" is necessary. Like do people go to the store and catch a glimpse of a purple sports drink, excitedly pick it up, then put it back in disgust when they discover the bottle of grape fluid is devoid of ferocity?

• You know how when someone says, "It's hot in here," somebody else inevitably quips, "Okay, I'll leave."? How come that person never leaves?

• Almost every promo for a show about football has the analysts standing around holding, twirling, spinning, or tossing a football. Is the football necessary? It must be... I challenge you to find a promo that doesn't have a guy with a handful of pigskin. That was a terrible way to put that.

• I feel like there are way too many songs telling me to put my hands in the air. Kanye West, Taio Cruz, Chris Brown, Miley Cyrus, Flo Rida... I'll put my hands in the air when I'm good and ready... and don't even think about telling me that they should stay there, DJ Khaled... that's my decision too.

Fantasy WNBA

Last month, I attempted to help the WNBA become more mainstream by creating a WNBA video game. It didn't work. The game didn't sell very well (though Ellen Degeneres did buy several copies) and I was left more confused than ever about how to achieve my life's goal of making the WNBA popular. Then it hit me. Video games are good, but fantasy sports is where it's really at. I mean, who's not in a fantasy league these days? Surely an online fantasy WNBA game will propel the beautiful (on the inside) sport into unprecedented popularity. I can't believe I didn't think of this before. (Duh-ble U NBA)

If you're not familiar with fantasy sports (aka a girl), this is how they work. You pick real players to be on your team and earn points based on their performance. You get points every time they score a point, points for rebounds, points for assists... you get the idea. At the end of the season, if your fantasy team has more points than anyone else's in your league, you win. Easy enough. Now I just have to tailor this format to the WNBA. The scoring should look something like this:

• Point = +1 point
• Rebound = +2 points
• Assist = +2 points
• Steal = +2 points
• Turnover = -1 point

Pretty standard... but it needs something that sets it apart from other fantasy games... something unique. Maybe a few more categories that are WNBA-specific:

• Finishes game without breaking a nail = +3 points
• Mascara runs = -2 points
• Dunk = +1,000,000,000 points
• Misses beginning of 3rd quarter because she had to finish watching Sex and the City in the locker room = -5 points
• Bakes referee brownies = +2 (brownie) points
• Last name is too long to fit on jersey because she got married in the offseason and refused to simply take her husband's last name, but instead turned it into one of those long, hyphenated double names as some sort of expression of feminism = -10 points
• Goes entire game without asking if her uniform makes her look fat = +3 points
• Fails drug test = -5 points
• Fails pregnancy test = +5 points
• Wears "Air Stilletos" on the court = -10

I'm pretty excited about this. I hope I get first pick in my draft so I can take... um... ummmm... yeah, I don't know a single WNBA player.

WNBA Jam

What's the least popular sport in the entire world? Is it field hockey? Is it jai-alai? Is it non-alcoholic beer pong? No. It's women's basketball. And why is this? Is it because women can't dunk? Is it because they can't shoot real jump shots? Is it because sometimes when you're watching Sportscenter to see if the Hawks won, it pops up on the screen that Atlanta won and and you get all excited because you thought it was the Atlanta Hawks, but it was really the Atlanta Dream... and then you get mad because the Dream is just a really stupid name for a team... and really most of the WNBA teams have stupid names... the Liberty, the Shock, the Sky, the Sun... is pluralization un-ladylike? No. None of those reasons. The reason the WNBA is so unpopular is because they don't have their own video game. So, being the equal rights opportunist that I am, I decided to design the game myself. Here's what the controller layout looks like:

I tried to make it as realistic as possible. I think this could be a big hit. I mean, if all 12 WNBA fans bought a copy, I'd have enough money to buy court-side seats to a real basketball game.

Texts From M Night

If you don't know what Texts From Last Night is, then you were probably born before 1980 or are without internet access, but just in case you don't, here's the wikipedia summary:

Texts From Last Night (TFLN) is a regularly updated blog that re-posts short text messages sent in by people who wake in the morning "to find regrettable messages sent to or from their mobile phones". Since the texts are often similar to late night drunk dials, they're often graphic and sexual in nature.

So, Texts From Last Night is wildly popular... and rightly so. Here are a few of the less-risque examples I could find:

^{(401): Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'}

^{(219): rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them}

^{(305): i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.}

<sup>Good stuff... and it got me thinking... the "texts from" market is far from cornered. There's gotta be something besides "last night" that people would enjoy some "texts from." Enter M Night Shyamalan:
  

Texts From M Night: a regularly updated blog that re-posts short text messages... with a twist! They're all from M Night Shyamalan, director of the Sixth Sense and Signs.</sup> 

<sup>(401):Party in the Village! This thing show no Signs of stopping!


(219): bout to finally get this fine Lady in the Waterbed... can't believe this is Happening!

(305): i could TOTALLY be a rapper. MC Night Shyamalan. "writer, director, my style is unmistakable... my flow and my movies are both Unbreakable"</sup>

Who doesn't love text puns from fading Indian-American directors? Probably some people... which is why there are also Texts From Dark Knight for super hero fans:

^{(815): some joker crashed my party. he actually seemed cool at first, but is quickly becoming the bane of my existence. i hate it when people are two-faced. i am batman.}

And if that's no good, then there's some for sports fans... Texts From Bobby Knight:

(328): Much harder to throw recliner across living room than I thought

And even some for the older folks... Texts From Gladys Knight:

(414): SO hungry... gonna run a Midnight Train on these chicken & waffles.