Ugly Baby Protocol

"What an ugly baby."

How often do you hear those words? Almost never. But let's face it, some babies look like they would have benefited from a longer stay in the oven. So why do people usually refrain from telling a parent that their child looks like it got a full scholarship to attend Ugly University where it'll major in Hideous? Because it's mean. The baby can't help that it fell from the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down, then got stuck on the bottom branch where it was repeatedly beaten by some attractive children who mistook it for some kind of grotesque pinata. That's why people don't say mean things about babies... cuz they can't help it. Seems to me like maybe this Ugly Baby Protocol should be applied to people of all ages. Words can hurt (especially the word "sword"), so why say mean things to anyone about things they can't help? It's like Thumper's step-mom says (yes, it's actually his step-mom... the Blu-ray edition of Bambi has some in-depth bonus features, one of which details Thumper's ancestry) "if you can't say something nice, don't say nothing at all."


This all kinda reminds me of a joke by Demetri Martin:

"There’s a saying that goes: “People who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones.” Okay. How about “Nobody should throw stones”? That’s crappy behavior. My policy is: “No stone throwing regardless of housing situation.” Don’t do it. There is one exception though: If you’re trapped in a glass house, and you have a stone…then throw it! What are you, an idiot? So maybe it’s “Only people in glass houses should throw stones, provided they are trapped…in the house with a stone.” It’s a little longer, but yeah."

Potterless

Pottermore. I'm not exactly sure what Pottermore is, but wikipedia describes it as a place online where:  

Users will be able to participate in interactive reading experiences or "moments" beginning with the first book Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone. After choosing a username, the users will move through the chapters and "follow" Harry. Among other things, users will be able to visit Diagon Alley, be sorted into houses, and learn spells. 

Essentially, it doesn't matter what it is... it's Harry Potter and I'm interested. So when I find out that there's early registration, of course I'm game. This registration, however, is not for the faint of heart. Long story short, I had to be awake at 5AM and had to jump through all sorts of hoops just to register. But I did. At the end of registration, you get to pick a username. Sadly, you don't get to pick your own, but you do get five choices to pick from. Here's where the story turns sour.  The best, the BEST option I was given was FlameKey. Yes, Flamekey. FlameKey... the answer to the question, "what opens a gay lock?" FlameKey... the username that 2nd graders think is juvenile. FlameKey... the username that's too ostentatious for Elton John and Richard Simmons. UGH. I stayed up until 5AM and I get to be FlameKey. And what do my friends get? CatSkull, PotionMaster, OwlStud, UnicornBludger. Why couldn't I get UnicornBludger? This is codswallop.

I bet all the other Pottermore users are gonna call me LameKey. I'll get auto-sorted into Hufflepuff and become a librarian's apprentice... or the guy that empties Mrs. Norris' litter box. I'll have a toad as a pet, a wand made from a smelting stick, and I'll be a Mudblood born of some sort of wizard rape. I'll be the first wizard to die in a game of exploding snap, causing Zonko's to recall the product and everyone will forever hate FlameKey for ruining a super fun game. No one will come to my wizard funeral except for Ivan Karkaroff and that's just to rob my grave.

Thanks a lot, Pottermore.

You're a Great Guy... But

I've never heard this myself or anything, but I hear, um, from a friend, that the 4 words a guy never wants to hear from a girl are "you're a great guy" because they're always followed by "but... (insert something bad here.)" For instance:

From a girl you like: "You're a great guy... but I just don't feel that way about you."

From that girl you just proposed to: "You're a great guy... but I'm already married."

Even from a cop: "You're a great guy... but you were going 25 over and I'm gonna hafta give you a ticket."

We've all been there... except for me, I mean. So I propose a change on my friend's behalf... never again shall the words "you're a great guy" be followed by anything that isn't also great. For instance:

From a girl you like: "You're a great guy... so let's do it."

From that girl you just proposed to: "You're a great guy... so yes. Oh, I forgot to tell you, my family is super rich."

From the cop: "You're a great guy... wanna fire my gun?"

D.A.R.E. You To Move

The following took place at 2:13 pm at the Kedron Kroger in Peachtree City, Georgia:

I finish checking out and walk toward the automatic doors to exit Kroger, trying to avoid the loud-looking lady manning the D.A.R.E. booth strategically placed right next to the exit. The loud-looking lady eyes me eagerly and jumps in front of the aforementioned automatic doors.

LLL: Hello there! Can I have a moment of your time?

Me: Sure, I guess.

LLL: Are you familiar with D.A.R.E.?

Me: Yeah sure, that's when the one kid challenges the other kid to do something they wouldn't normally do.

LLL: Yes... well, I meant the school program D.A.R.E.. Do you have any little ones?

Me: Not since the accident.

LLL: Oh, I'm so sorry. What kind of accident?

Me: Abortion.

LLL: Oh, funny... well you see...

Me: There's nothing funny about abortion ma'am.

LLL: Oh, um, well, yeah... anyway...

Me: Don't worry ma'am, I used my kroger plus card at the clinic.

LLL: I see. Well, never mind then sir...

Me: Wait... how much are you selling the shirts for?

LLL: Oh... the D.A.R.E. shirts are normally $25, but there's a special today. 2 for $35.

Me: Oh wow. That's kinda hefty. It's almost cheaper for kids to just buy drugs.

Okay, so only some of that is true... mainly the part about jumping in front of the door and the price of the shirt, but don't you wish you could say stuff like that to those people? I guess I shouldn't be so critical... keeping kids off drugs is generally a good thing...

WNBA Jam

What's the least popular sport in the entire world? Is it field hockey? Is it jai-alai? Is it non-alcoholic beer pong? No. It's women's basketball. And why is this? Is it because women can't dunk? Is it because they can't shoot real jump shots? Is it because sometimes when you're watching Sportscenter to see if the Hawks won, it pops up on the screen that Atlanta won and and you get all excited because you thought it was the Atlanta Hawks, but it was really the Atlanta Dream... and then you get mad because the Dream is just a really stupid name for a team... and really most of the WNBA teams have stupid names... the Liberty, the Shock, the Sky, the Sun... is pluralization un-ladylike? No. None of those reasons. The reason the WNBA is so unpopular is because they don't have their own video game. So, being the equal rights opportunist that I am, I decided to design the game myself. Here's what the controller layout looks like:

I tried to make it as realistic as possible. I think this could be a big hit. I mean, if all 12 WNBA fans bought a copy, I'd have enough money to buy court-side seats to a real basketball game.

All These Things That I've Done

Georgia Tech just got their 2009 ACC Championship revoked, fined $100K, and placed on four years probation by the NCAA because a former player received $312 worth of free clothes. As a Tech fan/alum, this is obviously disconcerting, but for more than just the obvious reasons... I believe I too have committed several NCAA infractions. I mean, if covering up $312 worth of clothes is grounds for that much punishment, what I've done could severely hurt our athletic program, so I'm gonna report the following violations to the NCAA as a show of compliance and hope they go easy on my Yellow Jackets:

Infraction #1: When I was in the 5th grade, I got bored while taking notes in class and proceeded to doodle the Georgia Tech "GT" logo on my notebook paper without the expressed written consent of the NCAA.

Infraction #2: Former Tech RB Tashard Choice was on my little league baseball team of which my father was the coach. After the game, my father took the team to Dairy Queen where he bought Choice an ice cream cone, free of charge.

Take this trophy, the Heisman's still named after us.

Infraction #3: I had a PSYCH 1000 class with Chris Bosh during my freshman year. We had to put on a two-minute skit with three other people. Bosh didn't show up for the performance, so I did his lines as well as my own. We all got A's.

Infraction #4: Former Tech basketball player Theodis Tarver once missed a test in ENG 1101. I told the professor that Tarver was away at a road game... it was football season.

Infraction #5: Two members of the Tech cross-country team were on my intramural flag football team. They bought their own jerseys, but I paid a dollar each to get numbers put on them.

Infraction #6: On numerous occasions at Tech football, basketball, baseball, and volleyball games, I vocally expressed my displeasure with NCAA sanctioned referees, umpires, and officials. I was never punished for said comments.

Infraction #7: In the last 24 hours, I've said some pretty negative things about the NCAA, including the next few sentences. Hey NCAA, why don't you go punish some actual violations? Georgia Tech's ridiculous academic standards already put us at a disadvantage athletically, you don't have to add to it by punishing the smallest violation in the history of college sports. Perhaps you could look into, I don't know, illegal recruiting, thousand-dollar bribes, assault charges, drug deals, memorabilia sales, or the 150+ incarcerated Miami Hurricanes. Basically, get your head out of your NC double A.