Sesame Straight

Bert and Ernie have been in the headlines recently thanks to this campaign to have the two Sesame Street residents wed on the popular children's program. As expected, this has caused quite the ruckus as gay puppet marriage is indeed a hot button issue in today's society. Now as much as I enjoy muppet drama, I feel like Sesame Street has more important issues to deal with than the legal union of its mismatched pair... such as:

The giant yellow bird terrorizing the neighborhood streets. It may seem harmless enough, but I don't trust anything that's seven feet tall and can't dunk.

The purple vampire living in the anachronistic castle down the street. The creature is sure to wreak havoc on the Sesame youth once he grows tired of enumerating. Count on it.

The homeless green monster rummaging through the neighborhood garbage. What if he unsorts the recycling?

The streets are teeming with monsters... none of whom have eyelids. This means they're always watching.

A political debate over gay puppet marriage seems kinda silly compared to these alarming facts... or, you know, just silly in general. Like "brought to you by the letter S" silly.

Sprucing Up the Ol' Résumé... Part 2

More special skills...

21. Good at lunch breaks.

22. Allergic to not succeeding.

23. Fills that hard-to-fill "white male" quota.

24. Always picks tails in a coin flip... so, loyal.

25. Never used steroids. Well, I never inhaled.

26. Never joined Pen 15 club in high school.

27. Tolerant... except of lactose.

28. Looks both ways before crossing anything (the street, t's, picket lines).

29. Never ends a sentence in a preposition.

30. Has ability to make anyone look tan simply by standing next to them.

31. Doesn't like cake very much, so more for others on co-workers' birthdays.

32. Good with children.

33. Great with adults.

34. Hasn't cut wisdom teeth yet, so could possibly get even wiser.

35. Keeps up with current events/Kardashians.

36. Doesn't know the meaning of the word quit... but willing to learn.

37. Snazzy dresser.

38. Snazzy armoire.

39. More humble than anyone.

40. Can tell you how to get to Sesame Street.

Here's Part 1 if you missed it

Black History Month in July: Part V

Okay... it's not July anymore, but whatevs. 2nd to last installment:

Black History Month Great Black Person 
#21 of 28: law-abiding rappers

With rap and hip-hop at an all-time high in popularity, youngsters have really started looking up to rappers. Unfortunately, many rappers have sordid pasts and bad reputations... so this installment of Great Black Person goes out to all those lyricolosists who have never been arrested or served time. Sadly, this means no:

waka flocka, ja rule, wiz khalifa, kid cudi, akon, big lurch, black rob, c-murder, capone, dmx, da brat, eve, flesh n bone, gucci mane, foxy brown, lil boosie, lil wayne, lil kim, lloyd banks, mystikal, odb, prodigy, r kelly, p diddy, vanilla ice (blackness under review), slick rick, snoop dogg, steady b, styles p, suge knight, t.i., travie mccoy, tupac, or jeezy. 

So pretty much the honors today go to will smith and kanye west... and kanye, you were mean to taylor swift, so you don't get to be part of this either. Happy BHM, will smith!

Black History Month Great Black Person
#22 of 28: the Famous Jett Jackson

Long before Hannah Montana, there was the original Disney Channel star who had the best of both worlds... Jett Jackson. Jett managed to seamlessly transition between a life as a normal high school student and the life of a famous actor. Unlike Miley Cyrus, Jett wasn't afraid of his own celebrity and didn't need to live a double life. Also unlike Miley, he didn't feel it necessary to burden the world with an auto-tune heavy singing career. Thanks Jett, for entertaining us with your show... and for entertaining us with the show inside your show... also you were in Friday Night Lights.

Black History Month Great Black Person 
#23 of 28: the smoke monster from Lost

Even without speaking, the Smoke Monster struck fear into the hearts of the Lost castaways for 6 whole seasons. If that doesn't deserve an Emmy, I don't know what does. Just steal one from Mad Men... they'll never know. Not very many people know this, but the Lost Island isn't exactly the most open-minded of places. For years and years, it only employed white smoke monsters... making the black smoke monster's triumphs all the more astounding. So happy BHM, smoke monster from Lost, you are to be celebrated... as is Lost as a whole cuz it's pretty much the best show of all-time.

Black History Month Great Black Person #24 of 28: Ollie the Weatherman

"It's gon rain!" The first time I saw that, I laughed so so hard. Though Ollie is a fairly minor character in Family Guy, his abbreviated outbursts are loved by all. I can't say for sure, but I think Ollie is probably a pretty great weatherman too... he's been at the same station since 1999 after all. Thanks for all you do Ollie... every second you're on the screen is one less second that Peter is singing "The Bird is the Word."