Strengths and Weaknesses: Kim Kardashian

Kim Kardashian is in the headlines again after filing for divorce from her husband after only 72 days of marriage. Let's take a look at some of the voluptuous socialite's strengths and weaknesses.

KIM KARDASHIAN

STRENGTHS

• Easy to keep up with.
• Actually looks pretty hot when standing next to her sisters.
• Marriage lasted longer than most of NBC's new fall lineup.
• Fake tan consistent with fake personality.
• You can't get STDs from being a media whore.
• Single-handedly keeping the airbrushing industry in business.
• While dating running back Reggie Bush, scored more fantasy points than Reggie Bush did.
• Surprisingly good at Call of Duty.

WEAKNESSES

• Made a sex tape with Ray J.
• Made a SEX TAPE with RAY J.
• Married the least famous person in the entire NBA.
• If middle name also starts with K, she's got a lot of monogrammed stuff she needs to burn.
• Giant butt probably means giant farts.
• If you don't count the wedding reception or honeymoon, only married 14 seconds.
• Always wants to jump out of own birthday cake.
• Just all kinds of whorish.

Strengths and Weaknesses: Frankenstein

It's Halloween and who better to focus on today than one of history's most prolific monsters, Frankenstein? Let's take a look at some of the big guy's strengths and weaknesses.

FRANKENSTEIN

STRENGTHS

• Only Jewish monster besides Jedidiah the Friendly Ghost.
• Bolts on neck good for hanging earphones when not in use.
• Comprised of separate body parts... just like celebrities.
• Doesn't get angry when people mistake him for the Hulk,  Shrek, or the Phillie Phanatic.
• I think he mighta been the guy who just married and divorced Kim Kardashian. (Maybe this should go under weaknesses)
• Never has to dress up for Halloween.
• Doesn't have a mother, so no chance of developing an Oedipus complex.
• Colors inside the lines.

WEAKNESSES

• Lost out on lucrative cereal endorsement deal to Frankenberry.
• Scar on forehead really should have cleared up by now.
• No one cares his full name is Frankenstein Jones.
• Still uses MySpace.
• Doesn't understand why everyone at Fenway Park is always talking about him.
• Angry mob always following him with pitchforks, yet hardly any followers on Twitter.
• Complicated relationship with father, human race. 
• When at parties, refuses to do any dance besides the monster mash.
  
  
  And since it's Halloween, have a look at my pumpkins from the last 2 years. The one on the left is supposed to be Ke$ha. Supposed to be. I went with a far less ambitious approach this year by simply carving the Varsity V and then drawing delicious Varsity food around it.
  

All A Twitter

Twitter has become the go-to medium for the rich and famous to communicate with the masses. As much as I like hearing about Kim Kardashian's day, it's too bad Twitter wasn't invented earlier so we could follow some interesting historical figures instead of vapid celebrities. Here's a look at what could have been:


HonestAbe Abraham Lincoln
@slaves, good news... ur free! #13thAmendment
149 years ago Favorite Retweet Reply


MLKdoesthabodygood  Martin Luther King Jr
crazy dream last nite. daughter wuz playin wit a white girl. hopefully a sign of things 2 come cuz i really wanna use that 'whites only' twitter
48 years ago Favorite Retweet Reply


FiReSiDeCHATTA  Franklin Delano Roosevelt
New Deal... on Groupon!
65 years ago Favorite Retweet Reply


I<3Cleo Mark Antony
@Friends @Romans @Countrymen... R.I.P. Julius Caesar
2050 years ago Favorite Retweet Reply


ReforMartin  Martin Luther
I've got 95 Theses but a b*#$% ain't one! JK... but srsly check 'em out http://t.co/NuxqZVQ
594 years ago Favorite Retweet Reply


theRealHelenKeller  Helen Keller 
rioasndaiog asdojfsj asdogj 2390jsalgj q09wejpasdjfgj aspoegjiapsdjg pasjdgpj!
47 years ago Favorite Retweet Reply


PatsFan1776  Nathan Hale
I regret that I have but 140 characters to type for my country
235 years ago Favorite Retweet Reply


hearmeroar  Sappho
UGH! Guyz are SO confuuuuzing!
2590 years ago Favorite Retweet Reply


TheRaven  The Raven   by Edgar_Allen_Poe
"Nevermore."
166 years ago Favorite Retweet Reply