Strengths and Weaknesses: Christopher Columbus

In honor of my 4th favorite explorer's eponymous holiday, I'm introducing a new segment called Strengths & Weaknesses, where I'll assess someone's, um, strengths and weaknesses. Maybe the name needs some work.

CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS

STRENGTHS

• Made 1492 way the best year of the 1400s.
• Has his own holiday. Suck it, Magellan.
• Made it across ocean without GPS.
• Reincarnated as famous director.
• Italian, but not the fist-pumping kind.
• Would probably have won gold medal for long-distance sailing if such a thing existed.
• First and last name start with same letter, so twice as likely to have been a superhero.
• Sturdy sea legs, including ridiculously well-defined sea calves.

WEAKNESSES

• Always thought the term was "circlonavigate."
• Mistook Bahamas for Indies... and his girlfriend for not a whore.
• Little known 4th ship, The Columbinator, sank on 2nd day of voyage.
• Lost race to be "1st to discover New World" to the indigenous people of New World.
• Forgot to pack sun-tan lotion.
• Kinda destroyed an entire civilization.
• Never could remember which side was starboard.
• Is dead.

And The Winner Is... Everyone: Part 3

Everybody likes movies, but not everybody likes the same kind of movie. Some folks enjoy critically acclaimed films while others prefer a special effects driven flick. Sadly, it seems like Hollywood rarely puts out a movie that satisfies both crowds. That's why we here at The Kids Are Aight are working hard to petition Hollywood for the following remakes and mash-ups that will help bring the two crowds together.

Snow White and the Se7en Dwarfs - One of Disney's darker animated features, the film centers around an innocent young maiden who must overcome the infamous seven deadly dwarfs: Greed, Gluttony, Envy, Sloth, Pride, Lust, and Doc.


Never Say Neverending Story - Bieber Fever makes its way to Fantasia as Justin teams up with Atreyu to fight against the evil Nothing. With nothing but their courage and their hoodies, the two crushworthy teens embark on a perilous adventure to try to save the world... 2.0.

127 Rush Hours - The 127th installment in the Rush Hour series might not be as far off as you think as Jackie Chan and Chris Tucker's careers outside of Rush Hour are stuck worse than James Franco's character's arm in 127 Hours.


Breaking Red Dawn -  Bella... dead. Edward... dead. Jacob... dead. Thanks Russians. Werewolverines!


Hangover the River Kwai - After a night of debauchery in Japan, the Woflpack awake to find themselves inexplicably in the middle of World War II. Sure, it doesn't sound like much of a plot, but there's not really much to the real Hangover movies either.

Rules For Riding In My Car

Car, girls, and flags pictured may or may not actually be mine

1. No smoking.

2. If you're a hot girl, disregard Rule #1. Do whatever you want.

3. If Hey Ya is on, don't change the station.

4. Don't open the glove compartment. Everything will fall out.

5. Don't put your feet on the dashboard.

6. If you're a hot girl, disregard Rule #5. Do whatever you want.

7. Always wear a seat belt.

8. Never wear socks with sandals.

9. No country music.

10. You can eat, but make sure the food gets in your mouth. Also, if you're eating fries, every fifth one goes to me.

11. If they're Checkers fries, every third one goes to me.

12. If you're a hot girl, Rule #11 still applies. You can't possibly think you can just do whatever you want.

13. If we stop at a gas station, you're not obligated to buy me anything from inside, but I sure do like watermelon Slush Puppies.

14. Don't scream if I'm about to hit an animal unless it's a cat or a dog or something that could mess up my car. I don't want to swerve and kill myself over a chipmunk.

15. Don't scream if I'm about to hit a Justin Bieber. I don't want to swerve and kill myself over a Justin Bieber.

16. Black people have to ride in the back.

17. Totally kidding.

18. Don't throw trash out the window. The wind could catch it and it could fly back in and hit a black person sitting in the back.

19. Totally kidding again. Not about the trash. Don't litter.

20. No Nickelback.

21. Don't break up with your boyfriend while I'm driving you to his house. (This actually happened once.)

22. If you're a hot girl, disregard Rule #21.

23. On road trips, check to make sure I'm paying attention. I'll drive 100 miles in the wrong direction without noticing.

24. Seriously, I was 100% kidding about Rule #16.

25. Seriously, I was 100% not kidding about Rule #20.