Hipster Olympics

Mean girls

If there's one thing I learned from watching the first season of HBO's Girls, it's that hipsters are terrible human beings -- well, at least 75% of them. Aside from adorable Shoshonna, the girls of Girls are selfish, pretentious, and void of nearly all redeemable qualities. Alas, maybe that's the point of the show -- that even the trendiest, most self-aware young adults are wanting and lost. Maybe that idea isn't even limited to hipsters -- it could very well be that their style and general pretension are simply easier to mock. Maybe the point of Girls isn't to glorify the hipster subculture at all, but to pity it. BUT, just in case I'm completely wrong -- let's make light of it.

Whether it's because of the sight-impairing Raybans, constrictive skinny jeans, or because sports are too popular to be cool, hipsters are some of the most unathletic people on the planet. It's a sad truth, because I think the world of sports could use a thrift store makeover. Regrettably, the world isn't going to see Tom's cleats anytime soon. Unless...

Unless there existed a sport in which hipsters could excel. Nay, not just a single sport -- a collection of sports. What if there were such a thing as the Hipster Olympics?!

Sound cool? Well, I thought it sounded cool before you did.

Hipster Olympic events would include:

• 100m Dash: Just like the regular 100m Dash, except instead of a track, it's on vinyl.

• Arm Wrestling: Competitors are pitted against each other in a classic arm wrestling match according to their weight in instagrams kilograms. All competitors must have at least three tattoos on their forearm, one of which must be in a different language from the others. Any attempt to recreate Sylvester Stallone's signature move from Over the Top will result in disqualification.

• Cycling: A bike race through Williamsburg in which competitors must have one hand on the handlebar and the other on their iPhone (4s only) throughout the race. Fixed gear bikes only.

• Biathlon: The most open-minded of all athlons. It used to be the triathlon, but as we all know, hipsters don't like to tri.

• Soccer: Like regular soccer except that you can touch the ball with your hands as long as you do it ironically. 

• Volleyball: Because it's so accepting of liberos. 

• Decathlon: The ultimate test of hipsterdom. Competitors compete in 10 offbeat events including Excessive Hash-tagging, Mustache-off, PBR chugging, Listen-to-the-Entire-Animal Collective-Discography-A-Thon, Zooey Deschanel Spelling Bee, Wet Ironic T-Shirt Contest, Independent Film Festival, Kurt Vonnegut Trivia, Name That Piercing, and Shotput.

Abby Wambach prefers headers to conformist kicked goals

I Have A (Ice)Dream

Hot-button issues that make their way into the realm of Facebook and Twitter are the worst. It doesn't matter what the issue is, whether I feel strongly about it or not, it's the worst. Extremists on both sides regurgitating quips from strangers, constantly trying to outdo each other -- it always just turns into a shouting match.

Gay or straight, Hot Browns are fabulous

The current Chick-fil-a debacle is no different. Chick-fil-a COO, Dan Cathy, has recently come under fire for admitting that his company supports the traditional family, thereby implying that the restaurant's stance on homosexuality is... well, against. You've got your liberal left-wingers screaming intolerance and your conservative right-wingers yelling family values and while I have my opinions on the subject, I mostly just hate both sides for being such jerks about it. I get why the liberals are upset and I understand where the conservatives are coming from, but mostly I just want this all to blow over.

A person's a person, no matter how small

Just as I don't let the political ideologies of my favorite bands affect the way I feel about their music, I couldn't care less about the political ideologies of my favorite fast food chains -- especially restaurants like Chick-fil-a. Chick-fil-a is freaking delicious. Their stores are always clean, their employees are always friendly and competent, and oh my gosh, have you ever tasted Hot Brown? I don't even know what's in a Hot Brown, but I know that if all the people arguing over this anti-gay issue would eat one that the fight would end. Also, Chick-fil-a does a lot of good in the community -- have you seen all the houses they've built for dwarfs?

So, why write this piece if I'm more interested in a side of waffle fries than a side of the argument? Because I think I have a way to resolve this. As everyone knows, the fast food industry is like a big family. McDonald's is the dad, Burger King is the mom, and Wendy's is the red-headed step child. On second thought, maybe Burger King should be the dad and Dairy Queen should be the mom and... you know what? Never mind. Just know that fast food restaurants love each other dearly. That's why, with Chick-fil-a under the gun, it's time for the rest of the family to pitch in to take some of the heat off their brother. How? By taking one for the team -- by being so intolerant that any perceived intolerance on Chick-fil-a's part doesn't seem so bad:

Burger King proudly presents: The Whites-Only Whopper! 

Repeal your hunger along with the 14th Amendment! Purchase one and get a separate but equal Whites-Only Whopper at half price!

McDonald's introduces: The Bigot Mac!

Two all-beef patties (Hindu intolerance), special sauce, lettuce, cheese (lactose intolerance), pickles, onions on a faith-like-a-mustard-seed bun (religious intolerance). Oh, and bacon! (Antisemitism)

Taco Bell announces: Doritos Loco Border Control Tacos!

You won't be able to conquer this huge wall of beef, lettuce, and cheese! All customers must provide proof of citizenship and speak English.

Obviously, this idea wouldn't work. Burger King doesn't have the power to repeal amendments to the United States Constitution and even if they did, it would greatly upset a large number of people who worked hard with another King one half-century ago to guarantee African-Americans the right to eat Whoppers... and, you know, to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. I guess the real purpose of this post (other than to show off my knowledge of the Chick-fil-a menu) is to make light of a situation that is being taken way too seriously -- at least in my opinion. I have a (ice)dream, that one day we will once again live in a nation that simply wants to Eat Mor Chikin.

P.S. - No need to thank me, Chick-fil-a. It was my pleasure.

In Defense of Channing Tatum

Hey, I like basketball too!

Channing Tatum is not a great actor. He's probably not even a good actor. He'll never win an Oscar (unless Best Abs becomes a category) and he'll probably never make a movie that lands anywhere near my Top 10... or 20... or 100. He's a good-looking guy and a pretty good dancer, but that's about it. He just doesn't have the acting chops of a Clooney or a Pitt or even a Galifinakas. But that's okay. Why? Because he knows it.

Judging by the roles he takes, Channing Tatum knows he's not the world's best actor... and I admire that. How often do you see him in challenging dramatic roles? Not often, if ever. For the most part, Channing sticks to his bread and butter: comedies, chick flicks, and action movies. Are some of these movies terrible? Yes. In fact, a great deal of his movies are gosh awful, but you know why I don't care? I rarely see them. Good ol' Channing does me the courtesy of being in movies that are largely unappealing to me. If I see a Channing Tatum, that's on me... not him.

Now I've been roped into seeing a few of the stinkers. I saw Dear John and The Vow on dates and they were pretty terrible, but it's not Channing's fault that the girl I was with got to pick the movie. Those two movies would have stunk with any other actor in the lead role anyway. However, Tatum's more recent work has been noticeably better -- Haywire was pretty good, 21 Jump Street was funny, and Magic Mike is getting good reviews. Is it possible that Channing is actually becoming a better actor? Maybe. Still, he's not fishing for Oscars, he's playing cops and strippers and he's taking his shirt off and that's what he does best. Can't hate him for that.

In my continued defense of Mr. Tatum, I'd like to bring up something that most Channing-bashers probably don't take into account: he seems like a nice guy. If the interviews I've seen and stories I've read are any indication, he's fairly down-to-earth -- especially for someone who has pretty much every girl in the free world drooling over him. Sure, all the articles are accompanied by a shirtless Channing picture, but I'd rather deal with that than with the vanity and conceit that oozes from most Hollywood actors. Also, the guy's got dyslexia -- it's pretty amazing that he's able to go shirtless all the time with a disease like that.

So while I can't say that I particularly like Channing Tatum, I do respect him... and I certainly don't hate him. There are far worse things in the world than a poor actor with a propensity for wearing wife-beaters  -- why waste my time hating on him?