Fantasy WNBA

Last month, I attempted to help the WNBA become more mainstream by creating a WNBA video game. It didn't work. The game didn't sell very well (though Ellen Degeneres did buy several copies) and I was left more confused than ever about how to achieve my life's goal of making the WNBA popular. Then it hit me. Video games are good, but fantasy sports is where it's really at. I mean, who's not in a fantasy league these days? Surely an online fantasy WNBA game will propel the beautiful (on the inside) sport into unprecedented popularity. I can't believe I didn't think of this before. (Duh-ble U NBA)

If you're not familiar with fantasy sports (aka a girl), this is how they work. You pick real players to be on your team and earn points based on their performance. You get points every time they score a point, points for rebounds, points for assists... you get the idea. At the end of the season, if your fantasy team has more points than anyone else's in your league, you win. Easy enough. Now I just have to tailor this format to the WNBA. The scoring should look something like this:

• Point = +1 point
• Rebound = +2 points
• Assist = +2 points
• Steal = +2 points
• Turnover = -1 point

Pretty standard... but it needs something that sets it apart from other fantasy games... something unique. Maybe a few more categories that are WNBA-specific:

• Finishes game without breaking a nail = +3 points
• Mascara runs = -2 points
• Dunk = +1,000,000,000 points
• Misses beginning of 3rd quarter because she had to finish watching Sex and the City in the locker room = -5 points
• Bakes referee brownies = +2 (brownie) points
• Last name is too long to fit on jersey because she got married in the offseason and refused to simply take her husband's last name, but instead turned it into one of those long, hyphenated double names as some sort of expression of feminism = -10 points
• Goes entire game without asking if her uniform makes her look fat = +3 points
• Fails drug test = -5 points
• Fails pregnancy test = +5 points
• Wears "Air Stilletos" on the court = -10

I'm pretty excited about this. I hope I get first pick in my draft so I can take... um... ummmm... yeah, I don't know a single WNBA player.

Ugly Baby Protocol

"What an ugly baby."

How often do you hear those words? Almost never. But let's face it, some babies look like they would have benefited from a longer stay in the oven. So why do people usually refrain from telling a parent that their child looks like it got a full scholarship to attend Ugly University where it'll major in Hideous? Because it's mean. The baby can't help that it fell from the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down, then got stuck on the bottom branch where it was repeatedly beaten by some attractive children who mistook it for some kind of grotesque pinata. That's why people don't say mean things about babies... cuz they can't help it. Seems to me like maybe this Ugly Baby Protocol should be applied to people of all ages. Words can hurt (especially the word "sword"), so why say mean things to anyone about things they can't help? It's like Thumper's step-mom says (yes, it's actually his step-mom... the Blu-ray edition of Bambi has some in-depth bonus features, one of which details Thumper's ancestry) "if you can't say something nice, don't say nothing at all."


This all kinda reminds me of a joke by Demetri Martin:

"There’s a saying that goes: “People who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones.” Okay. How about “Nobody should throw stones”? That’s crappy behavior. My policy is: “No stone throwing regardless of housing situation.” Don’t do it. There is one exception though: If you’re trapped in a glass house, and you have a stone…then throw it! What are you, an idiot? So maybe it’s “Only people in glass houses should throw stones, provided they are trapped…in the house with a stone.” It’s a little longer, but yeah."

And The Winner Is... Everyone: Part 2

Everybody likes movies, but not everybody likes the same kind of movie. Some folks enjoy critically acclaimed films while others prefer a special effects driven flick. Sadly, it seems like Hollywood rarely puts out a movie that satisfies both crowds. That's why we here at The Kids Are Aight are working hard to petition Hollywood for the following remakes and mash-ups that will help bring the two crowds together.

The Fast and Furious Case of Benjamin Button

- Benjamin Button lives his life a quarter-mile at a time... in reverse! His car can only be driven backward, but life must be lived forward.

Tyler Perry's Diary of a Mad Black Swan

- Latisha Portman gives an Oscar-worthy performance as a ballerina who can do battement all by herself. Halleluyer!

Waterfront For Elephants

- "I coulda been a contender!" No you couldn't. Sorry Robert Pattinson, you'll never win an Oscar... you couldn't even win the Tri-Wizard Tournament.

Dark Knight, and Good Luck
- Batman has triumphed over the Penguin, Two-Face, and the Joker, but can he prevail over Senator Joseph McCarthy? Yeah, probably.

West Side Toy Story

- When Buzz Lightyear of Star Command and Jessie from Woody's Roundup fall in love, nothing can keep them apart... except for that members of Star Command and Woody's Roundup hate each other! Oh no! But would not a rose by any other name still smell as sweet? Yeah, probably.