Fantasy WNBA

Last month, I attempted to help the WNBA become more mainstream by creating a WNBA video game. It didn't work. The game didn't sell very well (though Ellen Degeneres did buy several copies) and I was left more confused than ever about how to achieve my life's goal of making the WNBA popular. Then it hit me. Video games are good, but fantasy sports is where it's really at. I mean, who's not in a fantasy league these days? Surely an online fantasy WNBA game will propel the beautiful (on the inside) sport into unprecedented popularity. I can't believe I didn't think of this before. (Duh-ble U NBA)

If you're not familiar with fantasy sports (aka a girl), this is how they work. You pick real players to be on your team and earn points based on their performance. You get points every time they score a point, points for rebounds, points for assists... you get the idea. At the end of the season, if your fantasy team has more points than anyone else's in your league, you win. Easy enough. Now I just have to tailor this format to the WNBA. The scoring should look something like this:

• Point = +1 point
• Rebound = +2 points
• Assist = +2 points
• Steal = +2 points
• Turnover = -1 point

Pretty standard... but it needs something that sets it apart from other fantasy games... something unique. Maybe a few more categories that are WNBA-specific:

• Finishes game without breaking a nail = +3 points
• Mascara runs = -2 points
• Dunk = +1,000,000,000 points
• Misses beginning of 3rd quarter because she had to finish watching Sex and the City in the locker room = -5 points
• Bakes referee brownies = +2 (brownie) points
• Last name is too long to fit on jersey because she got married in the offseason and refused to simply take her husband's last name, but instead turned it into one of those long, hyphenated double names as some sort of expression of feminism = -10 points
• Goes entire game without asking if her uniform makes her look fat = +3 points
• Fails drug test = -5 points
• Fails pregnancy test = +5 points
• Wears "Air Stilletos" on the court = -10

I'm pretty excited about this. I hope I get first pick in my draft so I can take... um... ummmm... yeah, I don't know a single WNBA player.

WNBA Jam

What's the least popular sport in the entire world? Is it field hockey? Is it jai-alai? Is it non-alcoholic beer pong? No. It's women's basketball. And why is this? Is it because women can't dunk? Is it because they can't shoot real jump shots? Is it because sometimes when you're watching Sportscenter to see if the Hawks won, it pops up on the screen that Atlanta won and and you get all excited because you thought it was the Atlanta Hawks, but it was really the Atlanta Dream... and then you get mad because the Dream is just a really stupid name for a team... and really most of the WNBA teams have stupid names... the Liberty, the Shock, the Sky, the Sun... is pluralization un-ladylike? No. None of those reasons. The reason the WNBA is so unpopular is because they don't have their own video game. So, being the equal rights opportunist that I am, I decided to design the game myself. Here's what the controller layout looks like:

I tried to make it as realistic as possible. I think this could be a big hit. I mean, if all 12 WNBA fans bought a copy, I'd have enough money to buy court-side seats to a real basketball game.