Potterless

Pottermore. I'm not exactly sure what Pottermore is, but wikipedia describes it as a place online where:  

Users will be able to participate in interactive reading experiences or "moments" beginning with the first book Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone. After choosing a username, the users will move through the chapters and "follow" Harry. Among other things, users will be able to visit Diagon Alley, be sorted into houses, and learn spells. 

Essentially, it doesn't matter what it is... it's Harry Potter and I'm interested. So when I find out that there's early registration, of course I'm game. This registration, however, is not for the faint of heart. Long story short, I had to be awake at 5AM and had to jump through all sorts of hoops just to register. But I did. At the end of registration, you get to pick a username. Sadly, you don't get to pick your own, but you do get five choices to pick from. Here's where the story turns sour.  The best, the BEST option I was given was FlameKey. Yes, Flamekey. FlameKey... the answer to the question, "what opens a gay lock?" FlameKey... the username that 2nd graders think is juvenile. FlameKey... the username that's too ostentatious for Elton John and Richard Simmons. UGH. I stayed up until 5AM and I get to be FlameKey. And what do my friends get? CatSkull, PotionMaster, OwlStud, UnicornBludger. Why couldn't I get UnicornBludger? This is codswallop.

I bet all the other Pottermore users are gonna call me LameKey. I'll get auto-sorted into Hufflepuff and become a librarian's apprentice... or the guy that empties Mrs. Norris' litter box. I'll have a toad as a pet, a wand made from a smelting stick, and I'll be a Mudblood born of some sort of wizard rape. I'll be the first wizard to die in a game of exploding snap, causing Zonko's to recall the product and everyone will forever hate FlameKey for ruining a super fun game. No one will come to my wizard funeral except for Ivan Karkaroff and that's just to rob my grave.

Thanks a lot, Pottermore.

Bigotry in Wizardry

Started reading Deathly Hallows again. The beginning got me thinking... I've always kinda equated pure blood love to racial bigotry. Like, Lucius Malfoy would be someone who hates interracial marriage big time, like Jim Crow style. But where there are those in real life who are firmly against interracial relationships, but not against equal rights, there doesn't seem to be a middle ground in the wizarding world. It'd be like:

Wizard 1: Hey, my daughter's getting married to a muggle tomorrow.

Wizard 2: Oh, um, cool.

1: Um?

2: Oh nothing. So you're, y-you're cool with muggle marriage.

1: Yeah, why wouldn't I be?

2: Oh. No reason. I mean to each his own. I just wasn't raised that way.

1: Are you saying you don't approve of muggle mixings?

2: Well, I mean, not really. Wizards, muggles... we're different for a reason you know. Good for your daughter man, but I'd never do it.

1: Holy crap. You're a death eater.

2: What? No! No way. I just, you know... I'm traditional.

1: Expelliarmus! Help! HELP! This guys a &$#@^$# death eater!

2: Dude, no! Far from it. He Who Shall Not Be Named is evil, man.

1: Roll up your sleeve!

2: I'm not a death eater!

1: I said roll up your &$#@^$# sleeve!

2: There! Nothing! Are you happy?!

1: You must have magicked it away!

2: Look. I'm not a death eater. I just don't really agree with diluting the wizard bloodline. Now I'm gonna grab my wand slowly...

1: Expelliarmus!

2: Really? Expelliarmus? What are you, 12? Someone's definitely a Hufflepuff.

1: You just stay put. Don't move a muscle. I'm calling the NAAMB.

2: Just like a mudblood.

1: What was that?

2: Nothing. Look bro. Not every pure blood supporter is a death eater, okay.

1: Oh really? Name one who isn't.

2: Let's see, um... well there's Dawlish. No wait... saw his tat in the pool last summer. Yaxley.

1: Death eater.

2: No &$#@? Really?

1: Yeah dude.

2: Wow. Did not know that. Well there's Avery, but he might be.

1: Totally is.

2: Real talk. Real talk. Codswallop. Maybe you're right.

1: Dang skippy.

2: Wait til the guys in knockturn alley hear about this.

1: Dude. See? Only death eaters shop there.

2: What? No. They just have some cool stuff there that they don't have in diagon. You know, like darker stu... holy &$#@, all my friends are death eaters.

1: Man, you really aren't a death eater are you?

2: I'm really not. Wow. I can totally see why you thought that now.

1: Yeah. Sorry.

2: No no, I totally get it. Dang. I gotta go home and re-evaluate my lifestyle.

1: Hey man, why don't we go hit up three broomsticks, grab a few fire whiskeys and talk this out?

2: Y-yeah. Thanks man.