First and Tension: The NFL Gets Offensive

If you follow sports at all, you've probably heard about the controversy surrounding the team name of the Washington Redskins. Many Native American activists find the term "redskin" to be racially insensitive. Now, I'm not a Native American (aside from the 1/16th Cherokee that every white person in America seems to be) so I don't know how the term would make me feel. What I do know is that almost anything can be offensive if you allow it to be. Here a look at how each of the other 31 NFL franchises are offensive in their own ways:

Atlanta Falcons: Insensitive to penguins, ostriches, kiwis, and other flightless birds... and to humans, most of whom also can't fly. The city of Atlanta itself is offensive to the descendants of one William Tecumseh Sherman, whose ancestor worked tirelessly 150 years ago to burn the city to the ground.

Arizona Cardinals: Offensive to Protestants, Jews, and other non-Catholics as well as Musketeers and lower-ranking members of the Catholic church. Arizona itself is offensive to anyone who enjoys temperatures in the double digits.

Baltimore Ravens: Annoying to Miss -Symoné, who, thanks to Baltimore, must pretend to be impressed and flattered by the plethora of fantasy football teams named "That's So Ravens."

Buffalo Bills: Offensive to Misters Clinton, Cosby, Murray, and Nye the Science Guy, who would prefer not to share their first name with a team that lost four straight Super Bowls.

Carolina Panthers: Wait, how come no one is offended by a team who shares a mascot with a militant socialist organization?

Chicago Bears: Offensive to husky, gay men and Stephen Colbert.

Cincinnati Bengals: Insulting to house cats, who would like a more accurate representation of a Bengal as the team's logo.

Cleveland Browns: Everyone feels too sorry for the Cleveland Browns to be offended by them.

Dallas Cowboys: Hurtful to cowgirls, cowmen, and cowwomen, who feel neglected by the team name. The city of Dallas is offensive to those who prefer the show Dynasty.

Denver Broncos: Insulting to anyone who think OJ got off easy -- which is everyone -- including OJ. Also offensive to Land Rovers, Escapes, and Grand Cherokees.

Detroit Lions: Irritating to Simba, Nala, Mufasa, and the rest of the lions of Pride Rock, who feel they are better at football than the Detroit Lions -- except for Calvin Johnson.

Green Bay Packers: I got nothing here. The name Packers couldn't possibly be construed into anything offensive.

Houston Texans: Galling to the populations of all 49 other states who are sick and tired of being told not to mess with Texas. We get it, it's a large state and "mess with" and "Texas" kind of rhyme -- how wonderful for you.

Indianapolis Colts: Surely the horseshoes on their helmets are offensive to animal rights activists -- no respectable colt would be caught dead wearing such hideous footwear.

Jacksonville Jaguars: I'm pretty offended by those new two-toned helmets of theirs.

Kansas City Chiefs: Offensive to Native Americans? Nope. Offensive to grammar lovers who treasure the "I before E except after C" rule.

Miami Dolphins: Offensive to no one. Dolphins are adorable.

Minnesota Vikings: Biased against Viqueens.

New England Patriots - Upsetting to Loyalists of King George. Also offensive to any team who does not like having their closed practices illegally taped.

New Orleans Saints: Offensive, but not very defensive. Also unsettling to those who don't like to have their ACLs destroyed by linebackers after the whistle.

New York Giants: Neglectful to little people who would very much like an NFL team named after them, though they do dominate TLC programming.

New York Jets: Disrespectful to the New York Mets, whose rhyming team name is the original benchmark for futility on the field.

Oakland Raiders: A little confusing as to why no one opposes to naming a team after a group of marauders. It honestly is weird which team names come under fire. I can see Redskins being offensive because that particular term has a negative connotation, but what's with the heat on teams named the Chiefs, Braves, Indians, etc. Those aren't negative, they're just... groups of people. Raiders, on the other hand, are bandits, burglars, thieves, and scoundrels, which aside from describing the city of Oakland fairly well, isn't the most enlightened of team names.

Philadelphia Eagles: Hated by fellow Philadelphia franchise, the Phillies, who are envious that Eagles players are equipped with helmets with which to protect themselves from the constant barrage of bottles, batteries, and other projectiles hurled their way by Philly fans.

Pittsburgh Steelers: Disliked by descendants of the Rockefeller and Vanderbilt families.

St. Louis Rams: Misogynistic toward ewes. The city of St. Louis is also offensive to those who are flat-footed.

San Diego Chargers: Discourteous to those who prefer to pay in cash.

San Francisco 49ers: Dismissive of pioneers who took part in the Silver Rush in 1843, the Bronze Frenzy of 1847, and Pewter-Palooza 2010.

Seattle Seahawks: You would think Airhawks would be offended by not being chosen as the Seattle mascot, but as always, it's those Sandhawks who are really whining about it.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers: See: Raiders, Oakland.

Tennessee Titans: Offensive to greek gods who worked hard to defeat and control the giant race.

Who Let the Dogs In?

It seems like stories about "rescued" dogs or dogs that need "rescuing" are taking up an increasing amount of space on my Facebook and Twitter feeds. "Rescue" has become the watchword for dog lovers, but I've found that my definition of rescue is quite different than theirs.

It's easy to wanna rescue this guy...

Here's what I picture when I think of someone rescuing a dog:

A dog and a man go skydiving. After jumping from the plane, the dog's parachute doesn't open. Apparently the dog didn't pay attention during the mandatory training course because it's not even reaching for its emergency chute. Realizing the dog is in peril, the man darts down, grabs the dog, pulls his own ripcord, and holds the dog until they both land safely on the ground.

OR

A woman stands in the middle of a long hallway. At one end sits an adorable puppy. At the other end stands Michael Vick. The woman sprints and scoops up the puppy, somehow outrunning the fleet-footed, dog-abusing quarterback down the hall. Still on the run and about to get caught from behind, she launches the puppy through an open window and safely into the arms of Sarah McLachlan, who happened to be standing outside... and singing Angel.

OR

At long last, a dog-loving housewife has booked an appointment for her and her Pomeranian to see Cesar Millan, the Dog Whisperer. Halfway through the session, Cesar reveals he's actually a Cylon and, in addition to wanting to kill all humans, wants to also rid the planet of canines. The housewife somehow evades the Cylon, hurries home, watches the entire Battlestar Galactica series on DVD, learns how to kill Cylons, drives back to Cylon Millan's office and takes him out, saving the Pomeranian's life.

Those are some terrific examples of rescuing a dog.

The following is an example of the "rescue" stories I read online:

I saw a dog in the park and he didn't have a leash so I was like "OMG, this dog is homeless. I gotta rescue it." So I coaxed him into getting into my car with a dog treat and took him home, but my husband is allergic to dogs so I can't keep him. Can someone please rescue this poor pup? He's super cute and only 150 lbs and even though he doesn't exactly understand the difference between dog food and human flesh, he's a sweetheart... as long as you don't get him around other dogs... sometimes he eats other dogs. So please rescue this sweet puppy before my husband goes into anaphylactic shock and dies. Me and BWAAAAAAAARG would really appreciate it! :) 

P.S. - I named him BWAAAAAAAARG after the cute sound he makes when he's chasing my toddler around the house. lol

Sadly, that's not even that much of an exaggeration. A good half of the rescue stories I see on Facebook are people who take home strays, realize they can't keep it, then try to pawn the dog off on someone else. I understand dogs can be cute and it's great to have a sympathetic heart and to want to help animals, but you can't just take in every sad-looking puppy you see on the street.

... but what about BWAAAAAAAARG?

I've got good news though -- you don't have to!

Dogs happen to be animals and animals happen to be... wild! This means they don't need humans to take care of them. They can feed themselves. They can find their own shelter. They can even get exercise by running around on their own... without a leash! Pets are pets for the owner's sake, not for the animal's. Animals could get along fine without humans -- I mean, have you seen DuckTales or Chip 'n Dale: Rescue Rangers? Sure, maybe without you as an owner your dog might start hanging with the wrong dog crowd, pick on innocent little cats, and blow his shot at getting into a good dog school, but it would find its way.

Obviously, I'm not much of a dog-person, but I'm not really this heartless. I know dogs can be fun, loyal pets and I think it's great that dog lovers enjoy their dogs. Still, the whole "please rescue this dog" thing is getting pretty tired. Dogs can fend for themselves, be happy on their own, and sometimes even solve crimes with a gang of meddling kids -- they rarely need to be rescued.

Sports: A Love Story

This is my 200th entry in this blog. After 2+ years of Black History, Hipster Santa, and lots of randomness, I decided to mark this occasion by writing about something near and dear to my heart: sports.

It's easy to become disillusioned with anything, even something you love. I love sports, but with all the steroids and money and illegal activities and egotism and media involved, even someone like me, who truly enjoys sports, can get a little cynical. When the best players are cheaters and the best teams are the ones with the most money and the best programs are the ones that "recruit" the best, it's not hard to fall out of love with sports -- and sometimes I almost do -- until I realize one important thing: that's not what sports are all about.

I'm as guilty as anyone when it comes to letting ESPN cloud my perception of sports. Watching sports television can quickly make you lose sight of the essence of sports and view it as an unfeeling business full of overpaid clowns. Even though that's not a completely inaccurate description, it is an incomplete one. The essence of sports is competition and hard work and will and overcoming adversity and all that good stuff you can find on a motivational poster. It's corny, it's cliche, but it's true.

Though it's fun to watch LeBron James dunk over a defender, or see Miguel Cabrera launch a 450-foot home run, or witness Tom Brady throw a 60-yard touchdown pass, that isn't what sports are to me.

It's spending weeks breaking in your glove until it feels like an extension of your own hand.

It's not leaving the gym until you hit five jumpers in a row.

It's getting hit so hard that it actually feels good.

It's catching a ball in the gap that you didn't think you had a snowball's chance at getting to.

It's knowing the basketball's going in as soon as it leaves your hand.

It's when scrappy and persistent defeats talented.

It's turning the ball over, then hustling back to make a play on D at the other end.

It's the chubby guy struggling to run a mile on his neighborhood streets, but never quitting.

It's the undersized kid that works and wills his way into the starting lineup.

It's playing your heart out, not just for you, but also for your teammates.

It's beating my dad in one-on-one after hundreds of losses and knowing it's the first time he's glad he lost at anything.

It's a million personal, intangible moments you experienced on the practice court or the playing field that aren't just memories, but part of who you are.

Sometimes I ask myself questions like, "why does it matter so much to me that the Braves win?" When you get down to it, it's just a bunch of grown men playing a game. I think it's because, at some level, everybody on that team and every athlete on any team also loves sports. They could read this story and know exactly what I'm talking about, how I feel. They were also kids who liked the smell of the diamond and the feel of the bat in their hands. They're like me, just way better at baseball.

Call me crazy, but I think God loves sports too. I honestly believe He put that spark inside us that fuels competition and drives us to be better, to endure, and to overcome. It's like Olympian Eric Liddell says in Chariots of Fire: "I believe God made me for a purpose, but he also made me fast. And when I run I feel His pleasure." I think loving sports is embracing something God put inside of me and I honestly feel that, in a way, sports can give us a better understanding of the Lord -- and that's something worthy of a 200th blog post.