BHM 2014 Honors: Brown M&Ms

When ranking the most ethical candies, M&Ms are pretty low on the list. They're colorful and they're delicious, but they're round, little liars -- except for the brown ones. Unlike the more vibrant M&Ms, brown M&Ms never try to fool you with their coating; they have the decency to give you a preview of what's inside -- more brown. Not the other colors. There's no telling how many snacks/lives have been ruined by red M&Ms who would have the eater believe there's some sort of cherry or strawberry filling inside their candy shells. But not brown. Brown M&Ms have too much integrity to be something they're not -- too much pride to go all Skittle like the other colors. That's why I, like Matthew McConaughey in the Wedding Planner, only eat the brown ones. Thanks brown M&Ms, for not sugar-coating it.

BHM 2014 Honors: The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air

Now this is a story all about how

A show helped me fit in in town

So I'd like to take a minute, just sit right there

I'll tell you how I became a fan of a show called Bel Air

In West Riverdale I was born and raised

On the sofa is where I spent most of my days

The hood kids were black, didn't think I was cool

So I was stuck watching TV alone after school

Then I saw this one show and I thought it was good

So did all the black kids in my neighborhood

I quoted one little line and the kids all stared

Said "Dave I didn't know you were down with Bel Air"

I whistled the theme song, the kids all cheered

They said that I was fresh, I didn't know that they cared

If anything I thought they thought I was weird

But now they thought different, all thanks to Bel Air!

We. Played. Outside my house till like seven or eight

Then I yelled to my friends, "Yo guys, see you later!"

I had finally done it, I was finally there

I was part of the hood. Thanks Fresh Prince of Bel-Air!

Hipster Santa 2013

Don't call it a comeback! Hipster Santa returns to spread holiday irony, apathy, wit, and cynicism. Isn't that cool? Well, he thought it was cool before you did.

Hipster Santa has an apathetic attitude toward jingling as well as ring-ting-tingling. He does, however, like politics -- he's a card-carrying member of the Ugly Christmas Sweater Party.

Hipster Santa remembers Elmo before he went all mainstream. Back in the day, Elmo would have never allowed The Man to tickle him. Guess the money changed him. Not Hipster Santa... he refuses to be part of the system.

Hipster Santa doesn't follow mainstream sports like football, basketball, and hockey. He only likes sports that no one cares about, like figure skating and New York Mets baseball.

Hipster Santa never knew his father, but who needs a dad when you have every Elliott Smith record on vinyl?

Hipster Santa has a style all his own and American Apparel is his store of choice for all his wardrobe needs. American Apparel just so happens to be the store of choice for all other hipsters too... all of whom shopped there before the other. Not to brag, but Hipster Santa shopped there most first.

The Trayvon case deeply affected Hipster Santa... much more so than it affected you. Now he's extremely involved in the gentrification of the North Pole.

Hipster Santa would tell you his favorite bands, but you've probably never heard of them. Ho ho oh, what the heck... he likes Death Sled For Cutie, Christmas Eve 6, North Interpol, Cookies Milk Hotel, LCD Snowsystem, Elf Elf Cool J, Sleet Foxes, and Hanson.

Hipster Santa is aware of the current controversy over his skin color, but he honestly doesn't know if he's black or white -- he's too tolerant to notice things like that.

Hipster Santa doesn't touch that generic stuff. If it's not from a microbrewery, it gets a lump of coal.